Tag: Authenticity

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What happens when anxiety takes over

I had an anxiety attack last week. It arrived out of the blue and blindsided me. Visiting with my family, planning a trip to the beach that day, easy peasy, lemon squeezy. Our beach departure time was unexpectedly bumped up and upstairs preparing to go, I found myself unable to think straight. I could sense my thoughts jumbled and my stomach knotting up. Making a feeble attempt to determine what I needed to do, I froze. One thought dominated my mind which was, get out of this. In that moment, escaping the situation was the answer. Without thinking twice about it, I made my way downstairs to deliver the news. Anxiety had taken over.

Being chased by a tiger

Anxiety is a bear to describe to anyone who doesn’t have the clinical variety. It’s like teaching a dog to knit a sweater. The feelings that arise within you are not because of anything per se. I used to be asked if there was a precipitating event. A) that was fancy-pants talk; B) No. And no, I can’t accurately describe it or ‘relax.’ Because in that moment, if you’re having an anxiety attack, you’re being chased by a tiger.

In truth, hours later I can describe it because I may as well play a doctor on TV. Literally. I love all things medical and research accordingly.

When you are experiencing an anxiety attack, your brain has switched all functioning to the amygdala, otherwise known as your lizard brain. Its function is to ‘save you from the tiger.’ It releases adrenaline which floods your brain and functioning is reduced to fight or flight. I choose flight. Anxiety takes over and I want out of whatever situation I’m in. Escape the tiger.

Take a breath

In that moment, one of the only solutions is to take a breath, then another, and another. Your brain needs time to allow the flood to recede. For your pre-frontal cortex to resume functioning and think. That’s the solution.

But circumstances don’t always allow that space. Sometimes, you must push forward. Situations where, either in your mind or in fact, you have no choice. In which case, emotions start to fly. For me, tears. Others may exude anger, frustration, sadness. It’s the bodies way of trying to release the fight or flight hormone, the cortisol. The same thing happens when someone is angry or ‘seeing red,’ they can’t think their way out of it because they’re flooded. Likely, in fight mode.

You understand me

Fortunately, in my beach scenario, I was given a chance to take a breath. Departure time released, giving me space to breath and wade through the jumbled thoughts in my head. I had time…the only thing that calmed the tiger and allowed the flood of adrenaline to recede.

I don’t speak for anyone else how has anxiety, but I’ve learned that when I’m under stress, I’m far more prone to experience it. Particularly if my routine is thrown off. Routine provides me with security. When a situation has an increasing number of unknowns, the tiger gets restless. But with processing time, I can feed the tiger a snack, think through the situation and Tetris it all into place.

When we were driving to the beach and the tiger was safely back in its cage, thanks in part to time and in part to medication, I explained the neuroscientific cause of anxiety and it helped. Answers for my family who were always in my corner, but with information could better support me in the future.

We need to own our wellbeing

Those who struggle with anxiety, or other mental issues generally hide it from friends and family. Because shame.  A general feeling of embarrassment or being flawed permeates those afflicted. You can’t see a mental challenge the way you may observe a physical one. People often don’t understand it. And yet, mental issues are equally impactful, perhaps more so because of the stigma tied to it.

But there is no shame in having a mental issue, it’s an illness. And honestly, those who are afflicted must own our wellbeing around it. For me, medication, meditation and breathing help. Talking about it after the fact helps. Being pushed in the moment? Does not help. It’s like the tiger invited their lion buddies to join the chase. If you struggle through a mental issue, my hope is that you have someone to talk to about it and that you obtain information that helps you understand what’s happening inside you.

At the end of the day, anxiety took over, but it didn’t win. Tiger secured. Flood receded. That’s authentic me friends. The messy, brave, wholehearted, daring me. We’re on the journey together. Be brave. Lisa

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No really – I want to be in the moment

Me: Siting down to write, my monitor and any available real estate on my desk is littered with post-it notes. Specific, random, undecipherable…all pointing me to activities beckoning me that I’m inclined to forget. Also me: Focusing on being ‘in the moment,’ while swimming this morning, mindful. But in real life, playing through the entirety of the next month in my head (which was not entirely unproductive, I realized I forgot my wallet at home…hassle). But what I really want is to be in the moment

Goal 1- Mindfulness

For the loving life of me, for all the books, all the classes, all the meditations…mindfulness – truly staying in the moment – is akin to balancing on a tightrope. Wobbling every which way but ultimately, back on the ground again. Defined, mindfulness is a state of active, open attention to the present. It’s where you observe your own thoughts and feelings without defining them as good or bad. And truthfully, being mindful should be less work than the endless tasks in my head, but…I struggle.

Because life. And because I am a woman. I do not say this from a victim, or feminist perspective, but it is a fact that women carry a greater mental load than men. Why? Let’s consider an ordinary day. Women get up, in my case – work out, return home, empty the dishwasher, make coffee, get ready for work – endeavor at our 8-5 throughout the day, come home aka, walk into the other room, make dinner, clean up, straighten, mentally place items on a grocery list, unconsciously scan the room looking for what needs to be picked up, pick up, consider what’s coming on the horizon to prepare for, make a note, maybe read a little, watch some TV, get ready and go to bed so that I can work in my sleep.

What do men do? There are parallels, but the list generally ends at come home.

I do not exaggerate. Do you see why staying in the moment eludes me?

Goal 2- Reduce my mental load

In their riveting book Burnout – Unlocking the Stress Cycle, Emily and Amelia Nagoski talk about the different pressures on women. Unwritten rules add to our load disproportionately. We, by nature or through learning, manage the mental load of keeping up a home. While we may share functions with a partner, chances are we are the ones carrying the mental load. I know it’s part of my wiring. Flat out.

Moms have eyes in the back of their heads. Not a children’s story. And on both sides of our heads because we’re always scanning. Noticing. I’ve received more than one comment that I’m nitpicking by noticing the fuzz scattered around the floor, remnants of guts from inside our pup’s toys. Which, apparently, are purely for the purpose of being torn apart.

The post-it notes are an attempt to get the things out of my head.

Goal 3- F’real, Mindfulness

Ok but really, I genuinely desire to increase time spent in the moment and reduce the mental load. Being in the moment is more than physicality. Its not mentally wandering off, 10 steps ahead in our minds. Its slowing down and knowing that the moment will not repeat itself, breathing into the space. Noticing what surrounds us. Resisting creation of yet another post-it.

Remaining in that space creates clarity and focus. It’s not a ‘waste of time.’

Which means I can’t narrate life as I go either. Literally, I consider what I’d write about each situation. How to work it into a story, or on to these pages. A practice to reimagine and not allow to overshadow the moment surrounding me.

End of goals

I would be remiss not to return to my post-it notes, my helpers, my friends. Though they remain a visual reminder of tasks to be accomplished. They’re also a means by which I remove the thoughts from my mental space. Creating room to be in the moment. Absurd as it may sound, it works. Clearly not as well as I’d hoped, but baby steps…baby steps.

My question for you is: Are you living in the moment? If you are, I have two follow up questions. What is your secret? And…Are you lying? Because who does that consistently?!? If you find yourself like me, well, let’s say we’re in good company because I believe it’s a safe guess that 75% or more of us are striving towards being in the moment. Embracing our present over sculpting our future.

Today, for one day, one hour, one minute, what would be different if you remained in the moment? Mindful of yourself and your surroundings? Are you willing to give it a go? I think we both should. Our brave, authentic, wholehearted, daring life is before us, if only we stop long enough to notice it. It’s our journey friends. I’m on the path with you. Lisa

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Daring greatly for calm and stillness

Real life is the best classroom. No joke. As I transverse my way through the steps of life, and when I’m paying attention, it’s as though I’m observing myself. I know, I’m a little odd. Accepted. In this journey through my wholehearted year, with a focus this month on letting go of anxiety and embracing calm and stillness, I must admit a few of my own behaviors that get in the way of that. I’m learning that when I push through anxiety and dare greatly, as Brené Brown would say, the calm and stillness follow.

How much anxiety do we bring on ourselves?

If I’m honest, I’m fairly certain the amount of anxiety I experience in my life has a causal link to the inner workings of my mind. As someone who desires peace all the time (an unattainable standard admittedly), the tendency to avoid necessary conflict is ultimately detrimental to my sense of calm. When thinking about a conversation I need to have, for example, I think of the entire scenario. How many possible directions could it go, what will be my response, what will they say, is it worth it, can I survive without this conversation? You know, the full gamut.

As we spend those moments, ok, more like hours, in our own minds, the amount of good that comes from it is proportionately less as time goes on. There’s link between our mental gymnastics about an action, a conversation, a change, and how much anxiety we have about it. I’ve noticed that when I choose to dare greatly, it brings the calm and stillness I crave.

How to be daring…greatly…

In the quest for peace, and to be wholehearted in how I make my way through life, Brené Brown has been my patron saint. Because I connect to her and what she has to say. Reducing anxiety…and to be clear, I’m not talking about clinical anxiety, for which I fully endorse seeking whatever support you need…the anxiety we bring on ourselves, is choice. Albeit an unconscious choice. By overthinking, overanalyzing, we do everything except what we need to do. Take action.

Daring greatly is stepping into the arena. For me, it’s knowing that peace will be the result when I speak up, speak out, for what I believe. The truth is that on the way to peace, to calm and stillness, I might get a little bloody. In fact, I might get my ass kicked. Or not. We may find that the greatest confidence, calm and stillness, comes from stepping in and speaking about what we believe. It requires we take the first step when what we may want to do it pull back and stay ‘safe’ in our minds. At the end of the day, it’s not safe at all. It only brings on anxiety.

Take the first step, and the second, and third

Over the last week, I chose to dare greatly by having a conversation that intimidated me. Truth is, the only reason it intimidated me was the story I made up in my own mind. When I started speaking, pushing anxiety aside, at first, I felt flush in my cheeks and tightness in the pit of my stomach, But I became increasingly calm because I spoke about something I believed passionately in. All the uncertainty melted away. There was risk, most decidedly, but I refused to speak anything besides what was true for me.

And you can too. Daring greatly doesn’t require you to have any particular ability, it’s acquired skill learned by doing. It’s a decision to step in, not knowing the outcome. Understanding you might get your ass kicked and get bloodied. But you have not greater strength in that moment because you are being true to yourself. From that place, calm and stillness will evolve. We may not see it immediately, but…wait for it. Check in with yourself and I believe you’ll find a sense of calm, and peace, because you matter and what you have to say matters.

I am with you, my friends. We’re on the journey together. Be brave. Lisa

 

 

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Overcoming decision indecision

Upon stepping foot into the office, aka, my living room, these days, I am called upon to make decisions. Not mamsy pamsy decisions either. No. How much to pay people, should someone else be disciplined, another might need to go to the doctor, do we need to deep clean because of a COVID…and then flip a switch…how to reward someone, what to order, how do we do it, what’s the policy, do I really have to follow XYZ? On average, people make 35,000 decisions a day, using a wide range of techniques. Mental gymnastics throughout the day. By the time it’s 5 p.m. I’m cooked. Zapped. Nothing left in this brain of mine.

Not surprisingly for an Enneagram 9, the Peacemaker, I want to keep everybody calm and conflict free. Which means I hold space for whoever needs it.

Except me.

Someone else make the decision

Perhaps it’s making all the decisions in the course of my workday, but when it comes to my personal life, I’m decidedly indecisive. I’ll fret over what to order when I go out to eat to such an extent that I’d rather not go. I literally eat the same thing at home nearly every single day. I’ve wanted to redo my fireplace for a couple years, but can’t decide how I want it, so it remains whatever you called décor 20 years ago. I call it unsightly and drab. I drink the same coffee, black with Stevia, no need for fancy.

When I was married, I’d drive my husband nuts because he would ask where I wanted to go out to eat and I typically deferred. Truly, anywhere, I don’t want to decide.

What if it’s the wrong decision???

Literal fret fest. I had a moment today where I stepped outside myself and realized I was going down a wormhole picking out a new desk. I ordered one and when I set it up yesterday, my son told me it looked too small. Dammit, he was right and until I determined how to return it and what the replacement would be, my mind was on auto drive. If I make the wrong decision…what a waste…of time, of energy…possibly of money.

There was no peace, which I crave with all my soul, until I had restored order…in my house and mind.

Anxiety much?

All this decision indecision does nothing except produce anxiety. Exactly the opposite of what I desire. It winds me up inside like a top and although I endeavor to keep it at bay, the pinging won’t stop until I resolve what’s out of order. My son laughed at me the other day when he heard me on a call asking “is that something you need to share with me?” Not yet…”when will you share that with me,” When I can, “when will that be?” (new angle) “is there anything I need to prepare for?” He came downstairs and found much hilarity in the fact that I couldn’t get an answer.

Because too often when he and his brother were teenagers, I could tell something was wrong. “What’s wrong,” I don’t want to talk about it, “you’ll feel better if you talk about it,” I don’t want to, “I can help you if you talk about it,” No, “it’s not good to keep it bottled up. Talk to me about it,” sigh…fine. Akin to when my little brother would sit on my chest, pinning me down, when we were kids and poke, poke, poke my chest bone. Stoppppp.

It’s really not that big a deal

Granted, the desk situation literally happened today. Overall, though, here’s what I’ve learned. I offer this to my kindred spirits who may also struggle with indecision. I’ve realized that asking ‘what’s the worst that could happen?’ puts everything into perspective. The tough decisions? 75% of those I make at work. And I assure you, I can make a decision like nobody’s business at work.

It’s when the decision relates to us, that’s when the struggle bus shows up at the door and says, “jump on in.” But we don’t have to. It helps to simply start making decisions. They might be wrong, and that’s ok. The anxiety and fret that otherwise ensues is 1000% not worth it. Not one little bit. Or you can simplify areas of your life that would otherwise require an overabundance of decision making. That’s me and food. I no longer have the attachment to food I once did, and it is worth the peace of mind I have resulting from a repetitive menu.

If we give ourselves space and time, we can overcome decision indecision. Making the shift from choosing a lifestyle of anxiety and shifting to calm and stillness is part of the journey to Wholehearted Living. When we let go, peace and calm will flood in and anxiety will flow out. I’m on the journey with you my friends. Be Brave. Lisa

 

 

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Where comparison has a place

Wholehearted living has been my focus for living in 2020. And I’ve noticed it’s one of those attributes you don’t necessarily notice, until you do. And over the past few weeks, I have to say that I’ve noticed. Primarily with respect to a desire to show up authentically in each and every situation. Lest you believe I was faking it before this year, let me explain. The daily situations in which we find ourselves require a certain…evaluation. For example, you don’t show up to the office as your Saturday night self. You compare the two and determine exactly what impression Saturday self will leave in the strategic planning meeting you have at 9 a.m. Saturday self stays in bed and Monday morning self heads to work.

June has been focused on choosing creativity over comparison. I’m 1000% on board from the perspective on my creative life. And comparing any success I have to someone else’s? Fool’s errand.. don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. They will be lying, straight up lying. Our lives our uniquely ours and lived out best when we don’t compare to others.

A different way to look at comparison

But…the last few days I’ve been pondering that. Because I’ve noticed that when I am in situations where my perception – whether it’s stated or not – is that to fit in, to belong certain behavior is expected, I have a lower and lower tolerance. The tendency is to blame that on the other people. “They” – the infamous they – shouldn’t expect that you will conform. You should be accepted as you are. Ok, well, maybe.

At the same time, groups of people form their normative behaviors that essentially govern the group. When an individual in the group changes, the group tries to ‘bring the back.’ Attempts to cajole their behavior back to what had been ‘acceptable,’ and garnered belonging. If that doesn’t work, they’ll resort to shame, or ridicule and may even expel the person if the behavioral change is dramatic. It’s a process known as tribal shaming. And if you find yourself in that experience, run, don’t walk.

When comparison leads to change

As I’ve pondered, compared my evolving confidence in my wholehearted authentic self, I find myself feeling like a fish out of water in certain situations where the behavioral norm is strong. And I’ve ‘compared,’ that norm, it’s the one example which I believe is not off limits. Because as your authentic self comes through – and it’s always there, it may simply take a while to feel comfortable emerging – to engage in any other way pushes you outside your values.

The comparison led to a realization that I’m engaged in a few situations where the norm is inconsistent with my authentic self. And I am of the belief that the decisions we make in our lives should be weighed against our true self, considered in terms of will it keep us within our values or push us outside of our values. Authenticity is one of my values, along with integrity, equality, inclusion, family, love.

Creativity and living your wholehearted life

Enter creativity. You can’t always walk away from every situation where you realize your wholehearted self has changed as you’ve shown up for yourself. That’s simply a fact. But you can influence, you can use your voice, impact your sphere with your authentic self. Your creative, unique, individual self.

Wholehearted living is not for wimps, and it’s not a cat poster. It’s not as simple as “Hang in there.” It’s digging in and doing the work. It’s hard and it hurts. But…it is worth it. This is your one and precious, beautiful life. I’m on the journey with you, lovlies. Be brave. Lisa

 

 

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How to take off your masks

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a doctor. Specifically, a baby doctor. Babysitter extraordinaire for my neighborhood, I could not get enough of the babies. At 14, the nuance that obstetrician also meant gynecologist, and that the only involvement with babies this girl would have was coming out, was lost on me. If my poor results in science classes hadn’t have dissuaded me from pursuing that passion, our current requirement to wear masks would have.

How doctors and nurses are wearing them all day long escapes me. I wear mine to the store and am half convinced I’m going to hyperventilate before I exit the produce aisle. If told I had to wear it continuously, I’d have to find a new profession. Which is why I will remain working at home as long as necessary to avoid donning my mask on a consistent basis.

You might be nodding along with me, high fiving me, yeah! Wearing a mask, while currently necessary in public, is not my dream come true.

So, why do we do it?

Why do we put forward a version of ourselves that guarantees belonging but is less than our true and authentic self? That is a mask. It’s not an act of deception, it’s an act of desperation. One we believe necessary. Because deep in our hearts, we’re afraid that if people saw who we really were, at our core, the messy, confused, questioning, silly, goofy self we are, they wouldn’t like us. If they saw that we aren’t convinced that what we’ve been told to believe our entire lives made sense, at least not 100% of it, we’d be out of the club.

And we desperately want to be part of the club.

We want to belong

As women, many of us are “faking it to protect our belonging,” according to Jen Hatmaker, and I agree. We don’t set out of wear a mask. It’s not one of the lessons we learn as a child. It’s not our heart to deceive anyone. But as we mature, we notice how people respond to us. We see what gains positive attention and what gains negative attention. We learn to fit in…to go along…to not make waves. And as we do, we’re slowly giving away parts of ourselves. Because the club…we think it’s everything.

The club wants to keep us as a member. They’ll double down if they see us start to ask questions. Or if we start to behave in a manner that isn’t ‘acceptable.’ “You’ve changed!” they cry, shaming us into circling back to our thoughts, our beliefs, our behaviors that fit in. And we do it. For a while. We continue wearing our mask, conforming, fitting in. Not voicing what the still small voice is telling us.

Healthcare workers on the front line have taken pictures showing the result of wearing their masks constantly. Marks, rashes, evidence of covering their face. Not dissimilar to what happens to our hearts, our inner self, our own souls, when we keep the mask on, covering who we are, it leaves a mark. Unlike healthcare workers, we have a choice, we can take off our mask.

What happens when the mask comes off

And it may very well have consequences. We need to re-navigate our relationships, some of which may not survive. When we step into our true selves, depending on the size of the step, we may lose relationships. Lose our club membership. But we maintain our integrity. If we continue to fake it, we will slowly be eaten up inside. I know, I’ve been there. I had simmering anger inside me that I couldn’t even name. Until I did. I had no other choice but to take off the mask. And it came with a high cost.

So, for you, what is the mask you’re wearing? Or better yet, what is your still small voice telling you? Has the time come that you listen? If it has, know that it is worth it. More than anything, it is worth it. To be at peace with yourself, with your integrity, it’s worth it. Know that you’re not alone on the journey, I’m right there with you. Be Brave.

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The first step towards self-compassion

Wholehearted. The word itself is simple but the meaning, expansive. With wholehearted as my guiding word, I’ve chosen to focus each month in 2020 on one of Brené Brown’s guideposts for wholehearted living. January was the month to Cultivate Authenticity and let go of what other people think. Nothing like starting off with a bang.

Focusing on this guidepost proved interesting. When you capture your thoughts and take a moment to consider where your internal chatter comes from, at least for me, there were loads of other voices. Past authority figures, people I have relationships with, voices influencing my actions.  Up to the last day of the month, I was aware of it. On January 31st, I received a text from someone providing a piece of information. A simple piece of information. Next thing I know, I’ve added in inflection, backstory and motive and am responding to the story I created! The thing is, from an intellectual standpoint, I could see I was doing it. I later talked it through with a trusted friend and we called B.S. on the story I’d created.

Enter Self Compassion

Given letting go of what other people think (or at least the story of what I believe they think) was going to be ongoing as I grow in authenticity, February’s focus arrives just in time.  The second Guidepost for Wholehearted Living is ‘Cultivate Self-Compassion – let go of perfectionism’. Boy howdy, do I have more than a few things to say about that.

On the surface, perfectionism sounds innocent, an ideal, a quality to strive for. That’s a straight up lie. Yes, striving to do our best is a good thing. What’s not a good thing is believing that our worth is tied up in exceeding in all that we do. Brené Brown describes perfection as a “self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgement, and blame.”

If I think back to the text that threw me off last week, it was not only tied to what someone else thought (or at least the story I created about that), I fell into the perfectionism trap. Had I failed? Done something wrong? I inflected judgement and criticism into the words. The ‘addictive belief system’ of perfectionism does just that. It fueled the belief that I wasn’t good enough, that I’d failed, and the familiar shame spiral showed up like a summer tornado in Kansas.

Which is why self-compassion is so important. First of all, I created that spiral all by myself. The words were pure information, nothing else. I inflected judgement, blame and invited the shame to park in my mind. When I talked to my friend about it, said it out loud, named it, and the feelings began to diffuse. My amygdala calmed down. No longer was my mind flooded and I returned to seeing the words for what they were, information. She spoke kindly to me, acknowledged how I was feeling, and together we spoke about the facts.

Don’t miss this point. The kindness and acknowledgement she spoke to me? That’s what we can, and must, do for ourselves and when we do, it’s self-compassion. Speaking to ourselves the way we’d speak to a friend. And we need it, desperately. In a culture that provides endless opportunities to compare, to strive for perfectionism and avoid blame, shame and judgement, self-compassion is the antidote.

It’s going to happen. You’re going to start down the perfectionism path at some point this week. You may not even name it, but it’s inevitable. Yet, not insurmountable. Catch it. Name it. And talk to yourself like you’d talk to a friend. Because you are your closest friend, worth love, worth compassion. Be brave friends, we’re on this journey together.

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How to listen when intuition nudges

I can be a little over the top when it comes to cleaning. Last week was no exception. Staring mindlessly at the carpet, vacuuming, and I notice the filter looks gunky when I emptied it. EW! Easy remedy, I’ll rinse it off in my tub. I take the first step with the filter in hand, and next thing I know, my forehead is hitting the door, breaking my fall. As I lay there, dazed, my immediate attention went to my recently operated on foot. Miraculously, as the ground quickly approached, I managed to instinctively protect it. Small miracles. But my head…I paid for that for a couple days with a headache, and a clean vacuum filter.

You’d think I’d be treading lightly after that, and I thought I was. Sunday night, I was doing at home physical therapy. Using an exercise band around my foot, flexing against it. La-de-da, two, three, four, SNAP! Band off my foot and before I even knew it, smacked it in the face. What lesson was I missing that twice I’d narrowly escaped death?? (ok, maybe not death, but come ON!)

A few days later, facilitating a class at work, resting my leg on a chair while folks got organized for an activity. I go to take a step forward. Yep, say it with me. My toe caught on the chair and down I went, face first, knee then foot, stretching it farther than I had since surgery. I jumped up, shaking it off like a soldier but inside feeling rattled for hours. Again, what the heck??

Life gives us lessons

Isn’t that the way life goes sometimes? In my case, I was earnestly trying to be ultra-careful and baby my foot while it recovered. Yet my stumbles were not little. I was reminded of something my great grandmother used to say. I was fortunate to have her until my late teens and she’d visit a couple times a year. She was well known for remarking, “If you don’t listen, you’re going to have to feel.” Reminiscent of the times she grew up in. The last week had given me my fair share of “feel.”

But what was the “listening” I was missing?

Setting aside my week of painful reminders that I’m still in recovery and need to slow down, what do we do when those repeated nudges keep coming up in our lives? Think about it, you’re in a season of asking God, the Divine, what exactly the discontent that rumbles around in you means. You’ve put it out there, asking for guidance. Maybe you find an interesting opportunity reading a magazine you’ve never picked up before. Or you meet someone who happens to be going down the same path you want to walk. You have lunch with a friend you haven’t seen in ages, and the conversation opens new doors.

Why listen to our nudges?

What do we do with those nudges? All too often, we give a cursory, “oh, that’s interesting,” and mosey on with our life. Um, hello God, the Divine, why aren’t you giving me the down low on what to do? Chances are, it already happened, but you were too busy and missed the sign.

So now you get to feel. Growing discontent. Stress. Your body telling you to wake up and pay attention. Ok, fine. I’m sitting down. Done feeling.

Every single one of us can choose to listen. Open up to the nudges we’re looking for coming from the most unexpected places. We have a choice. When a thought pops into your head and you think, “I’m not smart enough to have dreamed that up,” yeah, that’s a nudge. Trust it. The Divine ‘speaks’ to you in unconventional ways, so long as you’re paying attention. Your authentic self knows the way, because that wisdom, the nudges, they’ve been inside you percolating for years. Trust you. It’s our journey, friends, and I’m on it with you. Be brave.

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Asking yourself, who ARE you?

Decide who you areBe a good girl. Words likely spoken to every little girl at one point or another. While I don’t specifically recall the moment the good girl message sunk into my conscious, it’s as attached as a small child is to an all-day sucker. While a “good girl” is never specifically defined, the message is clear. And the message starts with don’t.

Don’t get in trouble. Don’t stay out late. Don’t associate with the wrong crowd. Don’t get bad grades. Don’t be irresponsible. Don’t, don’t don’t. Depending upon who your parent was and their ideal for a “good girl,” you received variations of that message.

And they stick. Like the sucker. I never saw the external message as external to who I was. While slip-ups happened, on occasion, I followed the good girl model. Conceptually, it’s a solid model. The idea was to keep us on the straight and narrow so that we would become responsible adults. Which I am.

Yet, if we’re not careful, the good girl message becomes like a piece of Velcro in the dryer. Everything sticks to it. Descriptors that we may not want but which close enough to “good girl,” that a pile on effect happens. While we’re preoccupied with marriage, kids, career, other people narrative of what life “should” look like we stay in the rut. Honestly, it’s easier than bucking the system.

Perhaps you stay in groove. Or, if you’re like me, you reach the middle part of life and get curious. You expose yourself to different ways of thinking, approaches that challenge your status quo. Brené Brown was my gateway. In simple terms, her books opened my thinking and asked me to give the “good girl” a break.

In the pursuit of a wholehearted life, I’m using Brené’s Guideposts for Wholehearted Living, starting with Authenticity – Letting go of what other people think. The good girl is a byproduct of following what other people think. But if you don’t ascribe to the good girl, does that make you bad? It does not.

The truth is, when you drop the expectation, the label, you have the chance to look at who you are at your core and what you believe. It takes some work, digging around in your heart and mind, because other people’s expectations are entwined with your own by midlife.

It’s not a one and done activity. It’s a journey. Letting go of what other people think doesn’t mean abandonment of every last expectation you’ve adhered to. It means asking if you hold that ideal as one of your own. You might. Or you may not. It’s your choice. Your journey is not creating a new you, it’s discovering who your authentic self is, at your core. What you believe, how you want to show up in the world.

Don’t be surprised if others in your life notice that you’re changing, with mixed reception. You’re allowed to change. It’s healthy and it’s normal. Wholehearted living requires you to have courage, but each of us have that courage within us. YOU have the courage within you. Ask yourself today if you’re living wholeheartedly, or if you need to take time for reflection and sorting out who you are and what you believe. It’s our journey, friends, and I’m taking it with you.

 

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Accepting help brings us closer

Miracle of helpingDeep breaths. Last words I heard the anesthesiologist say to me shortly before I drifted off to la-la land for surgery. Anesthesia is the closest thing to time travel we have these days. One minute you’re in an operating room and the next? You hear your name through a fog, slowly clearer and clearer, until you’re wide awake and looking at the aftermath. I’ve had a few surgeries throughout my life and remember the fading off and waking up from each. Something cemented in my mind.

You listen to your discharge instructions, yeah, yeah, got it. The implication of “non-weight bearing,” only sunk in after I got home and realized the full scope. Particularly in light of the fact I can’t balance on my other leg. I had the uncomfortable feeling of being helpless. Not completely, but most definitely dependent on others. There’s only so much you can do when you’re told to not have your foot unelevated for more than five minutes at a time. Five minutes? Two of those today were spent brushing my teeth! Three more isn’t enough to do much of anything.

So, I have to ask for help. There’s something that happens when we ask for and receive help, for us and the other person. It’s disarming, neutralizing. Especially when the help is needed for physical assistance. Whatever baggage might exist between you and the other rapidly fades as you work together towards a common goal. If you had a conflict, it fades in favor of peaceful co-existence.

But why? If we can erase, or at least diminish, conflict with another person when they are helping us or visa-versa, why won’t it come sooner?

I don’t suppose to have the magical answer, but there’s a common interest, a shared humanity, when you’re in the situation to help someone. Particularly if you both lean in. Being in a position of needing help is a vulnerable place, one where the mere act of asking itself is courage. And when you’re meeting another person’s need for help when they’re in that vulnerable place, you see them differently.

You’ve moved in.

That’s when we see people. In the moments of vulnerability. No masks, no pretense. Raw. Open. Unguarded.

Which may not be what we normally see. We’ve been programmed to be tough, to handle our own challenges. So, when we can’t, it might be a different side of us than people are used to. It’s your authentic self showing up. But those can be the best moments. With someone you trust, sharing an experience.

What if we could recreate the feelings that arise when we’re helping or being helped in everyday life? If we could see people as their true self? Unmasked and leaning in. We’d find ourselves in deeper relationships and healing hurts that keep us apart. That’s where we’d find a miracle. One worth seeking in this journey of life we’re navigating through. Day by day. Moving in to closer relationship. You may not need the help I do right now, but please, let your authentic self be seen. It’s worth the risk. You can do it, your brave my friend, and we’re doing it together.