In my head, the phrase is said scornfully by a ‘little old church lady’, “Don’t be prideful.” Usually with the intent of ‘putting someone in their place,’ or knocking them down a notch. I don’t know if men hear it, because I’m not one, but I’ve been on the receiving end as a female. Or, if not those exact words, the sentiment that one better not let their head swell with pride. But why not? Why has our culture, particularly what I’ll loosely call ‘church culture’ steered us away from having pride? Certainly, references abound in the Bible of pride leading to a person’s downfall. That would give you pause. Fundamentally though, shouldn’t we all have a sense of pride?
What is pride?
I think pride has a bad rap. It’s as though we see it as a gateway drug to a personal downfall. My programming, primarily a result of a woman’s perceived ‘place’ has led to pride being pushed way, way down. The other night, I was at a rare dinner with work colleagues. Out of the blue, I found myself being praised for a work problem I’d helped successful navigate. Did I shine? What do you think? No. I brushed it off as no big deal and downplayed my role. Unfortunately, I see women taking a similar stance over and over.
Consider the definition of pride. My trusty go-to Meriam Webster states:
- a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.
- consciousness of one’s own dignity.
Neither definition is negative. Why shouldn’t you be proud of an accomplishment, an award, a milestone? Honestly, why shouldn’t you have pride about who you are, about your own dignity? And yet, people are told to keep themselves buttoned up. Not to let too much of what’s on the inside leak out and into the light. We are told to let others shine. This recurrent message we receive is not benign. There’s a consequence.
How pushing our pride aside shows up
When we repeatedly take in the message that we shouldn’t be prideful or have pride, what do you suppose the translation is for any normal human person? Something about you is bad. To be hidden. Don’t allow people to see the ‘real’ you lest you be rejected. The result? Shame. Brené Brown provides a definition of shame I find instructive.
“The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It is “the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do…makes us unworthy of connection.”
It’s no wonder millions of women, and men for that matter – because shame does not discriminate – suffer under the weight of shame. Perpetuated upon them by systems which use shame to control the people under them. In the recently published book You are your best thing, an anthology of Black voices speaking to vulnerability, shame and the Black experience, embodiment teacher and founder of the Embodiment Institute (TEI) Prentis Hemphill shared “Shame is also the way oppression gets internalized.”
When I read those words, I had to return and reread them. More than once. Because the words, they speak to the Black experience, certainly. Pride pushed down, pushed aside, drilling into people that they do not have the right to personal dignity. They are ‘less than.’ All lies, all tools of control. But also, because they speak broadly to the stripping of pride from groups of people whose only flaw is that they are different.
We need to celebrate Pride
From June 28, 1969 to July 3, 1967, when I wasn’t yet 2 years old, people protested outside the Stonewall Inn, a gay bar in Greenwich Village. In what became a rebellion, the Stonewall Riots, the rioters advocated for gay rights. And because of their uprising, President Clinton began celebrating June first as Gay and Lesbian Pride month, which later became LGBTQ Pride month. I find it interesting that Pride is the term chosen to characterize this month because, at the core, that’s what’s needed. Celebration and a raising of consciousness in the dignity of LGTBQIA+ people.
Because these people, these human people, have been told they should have the exact opposite of pride. That the way they were designed by God is wrong. They’ve been shamed by our culture because of who they love. Denied rights and benefits, healthcare, decency…and sadly, that continues today. Instead, we should love, affirm, and celebrate the dignity of those in the LGTBQIA+ community. For that matter, we should be doing the same for those in the BIPOC community.
Pride is not the enemy
Maybe we should be rethinking how we characterize pride. Because pride is not the enemy, shame is. When you, or me, or any person believes they are ‘deeply flawed’ and unworthy of love and belonging, there’s a problem. And the structures that perpetuate shame as a tool to oppress those who are different? Different because of the color of their skin, their sex, who they love? We need to dismantle and rebuild those structures. And if you think shame is not used as a power tool, I ask you to simply listen and watch. To the words used by those in power, to the choices made by our systems, to the underlying messages that tell people they cannot show up in dignity, celebrate who they are, without consequence.
Be Prideful. Be conscious of and celebrate your dignity as a human being. Because you have qualities and characteristics that deserve to be celebrated. Because you are loved. Be Brave my loves. Lisa