Author: Lisa@bbrave

Posted on

Sorry seems to be the hardest word…

How utterly, truly, cliché.  Really. Dates me because I remember that song, Elton John stuck in head forever.  I think what might be harder though is to say I forgive you – and mean it.  SayiSorry Seems to be the hardest wordng  you’re sorry can be hard, but it’s really about what you’ve done.  Telling someone you forgive them, well that’s about them.  It’s about you releasing them from your heart.  In reality, it releases you more than them because carrying around the bitterness and pain doesn’t hurt the other person, it hurts you.  This is not new news to anyone. Even so, it’s still hard.  I recently forgave someone and it was hard.  But I’m happy, I feel freer, lighter.  I didn’t forget, but that pain isn’t inside me anymore.

So you would think that if I needed to forgive myself, it would come a little easier.  In fact, it’s not easy, no, not easy at all, in fact, it’s like that Elton John song, or the Barney theme song when my kids were little, it will not go away.  The mistakes I’ve made run over and over and over.  I think I’ve forgiven myself – because I know God has – but then I bring them all up in my mind again.  And I’m right back there, in shame, in guilt, in beating myself up.

I was thinking about this more today, really wanting to once and for all be free and forgive myself.  I can’t move forward if I keep bringing all that baggage along.  Not only does it occupy a lot of my mind but it’s heavy, and depressing, and makes me sad.  But yet I keep playing through it all in my head again.  Then today, I was in a different place. I think one of the reasons I may hold on to it – similar to staying in a bad relationship – is that I know it.  It’s familiar.  It’s not comfortable – but it’s a comfortable feeling per se because I know it.  I know what to expect.  The emotions that run through my head are known – nothing new.  So as much as it’s painful, it’s an old bathrobe.  I know the holes (ok…metaphorically only…I would never own a bathrobe with holes…seriously) and I know how much it wraps me up, but man o man, I need to throw it away.

Arriving at this thought, I remembered that if I roll along comfortable all the time, I’m not experiencing anything new.  I’m not growing.  I’m not reaching.  Yeah, I may also have disappointment in the unknown, but the joy I can feel is worth so much more.  And I know that God doesn’t call me to be comfortable.  He wants me to experience the life He’s created for me.  So maybe I’m ready.  I feel ready. I really feel ready to forgive myself once and for all.  I mean, God has, and I didn’t hide anything from Him.  He’s knows all the ugly.  I’ve learned but it’s time to go forward and say what really are the hardest words, I forgive me.

 

Posted on

What is pretty?

Pretty FlowerI’m a fairly girly-girl.  I like makeup, I like dresses and twirling, I like doing things to make myself feel pretty.  At the same time, I’ll live all day in my workout clothes, happy in my sneakers after a long morning walk, or after a ride or swim.  But given my choice? Girly-girl.  Even so, I don’t actually feel pretty.  Yes, outside things make me feel that way, but deep down, do I think I’m pretty?  Well the truth is, I skirt the subject and don’t really think about it.

I’ve read those self-affirmation posts, articles, etc. that talk about self-image and loving ourselves as we are.  Often, there are suggestions such as, stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself, “I love you,” or, “You are beautiful.”  The mere thought makes my stomach knot.  I don’t know why but it makes me horribly uncomfortable.  If I push enough towards the truth of it, it’s likely that I have a hard time feeling that way about myself, self-doubt, or the feeling that someone else should tell me.  So, it never really happens.

But this weekend, I did think about it.  It was interesting really, thinking more about being comfortable with who I am.  Happy with my life and the direction I’m heading. And it led me back to thinking about what it really is to be pretty.  I think most women, if they’re honest, want to be told they’re pretty, early on by their parents, then later by boyfriends and husbands. I’m coming to realize though that, although it might feel good to hear that, if I don’t really feel it on the inside, the words wash over me without really sinking in.

What I think is that being pretty is more about who I am than how I look.  I’ve got wrinkles and grey hairs you can see and scars and wounds on the inside you can’t.  But if I truly care about myself and take care of myself as I believe God has called me to do, I really owe it to myself to allow feelings of being pretty, of living like I am beautiful.  That, I think, is part of being a good steward of the gifts God has given me.  He’s given me the gift, the ability, to let His beauty shine through me. So really, it’s less about me being pretty, or beautiful, and more about the beauty that comes from within from God.

That’s the beauty I want to seek.  The comfort in my skin.  The glow that comes from contentment. The radiance that results from true happiness.  The confidence that I am exactly who I’m supposed to be, that taking care of myself is what I’m called to do and it’s ok.  Ok to be a girly-girl, to like makeup and dresses and twirling.  So maybe that look in the mirror should be to say I love you and you are beautiful…because God made me, and YOU, that way.  I, for one, want to let that part shine.

Posted on

This Life I Have

CD_blessedLifePreviewDo you ever think about your life? I mean really just sit and think about how blessed you are? Cut through all the noise and the nonsense that clutters your brain, your thoughts, your perspectives and just think about how blessed you are have the life that God has given you? Yeah, me neither.  But today, this week, I have.  I was reminded in the most difficult of ways how unfair life can be.  How, in an instant, what you know as reality can change and what appeared to be the next step really isn’t that at all.

Someone I’ve known my whole life, not someone I’d say I was close to, but still, a familiar person, someone I’d say hi to if I randomly ran into them, who I’d spend a few minutes catching up with, who had a full, happy life, had life taken from them unexpectedly. It makes me sad for their family, who I also have known most of my life, for their friends, their community.  But it also reminds me how life can change in a blink, in an instant.

This is nothing new, conceptually, we all know it.  But what do we do about it, or is there anything to do about it?  Well, I know that, other than physically taking care of myself, there’s not a lot I can do.  I don’t know how long God plans for me to be here, I hope a long time, but there’s no predicting it.  What I CAN do is more with what I have, those gifts, the talents that I have but that I may not fully be using. It makes me think about why I don’t use them.  Laziness? likely not. Busy-ness? More likely. Fear? Oh yeah, now we’re on to something.

Fear of what? Failing, feeling like I’m being indulgent in my own desires (ok wait, that’s not a bad thing), what else? Fear of what people might think if what I do is not “by the book.”  All likely culprits.  More and more so though I think about the fact that I’m just wasting time.  I rush to go here and there, to finish my “jobs,” my responsibilities, but don’t always enjoy that time, miss the experiences, miss the happy.

And so, I challenge myself, challenge anyone, to be intentional about my life.  Going through the motions is just that, motions, not emotions – and I want more of that.  More emotion, more happy, more joy.  Using the gifts and talents I naturally have.  Living my life, not just functioning.  Taking risks, blowing off fear, doing more and doing what it takes to make that happen.  It goes back to “just start” and stop waiting for who knows what.  Just like anyone else, my time is finite, and I want to get to the end knowing I’ve experienced, I’ve lived, I’ve given my best.   The truth is, I am blessed.  My life is good, my family is good, I have first world issues, sure, but overall, I am blessed.  So right now, I’m starting…I think I’ll go take a walk!

Posted on

Sporty goals

The funny thing about being an athlete…ok…side trip for a minute…I feel funny even callingOn the bike myself an athlete.  When I think about an athlete, I think of these studly men and women who are out their killing it, performing at crazy levels.  But really, think about the
population.  Comparing myself to other people who I see as athletes isn’t really a fair comparison.  I love my sports.  I love swimming, I love walking/running, I love my bike.  I devote a good chunk of time to those sports.  I study how to improve, I talk to people I can learn more from – who can help me get better, I talk to other people about it – I hope I can encourage other people to find a sport they love as much as I love mine.  I think part of accepting myself, of being the person God called me to be is to accept these different parts of me, and I think part of me is an athlete.  Still feel funny saying that, but I’m going to own it, at least work on owning it.

 

Ok, side trip over back to the funny thing.  Sort of relates to my side trip.  Being an athlete is different things to different people. For me, could be walking a marathon but for someone else, it could be a 5k or around the block. It’s all a matter of perspective. Yesterday I listened to a Skirt Sports podcast, Run this World, hosted by Nicole DeBoom – founder. She was talking with Erin Carson, owner of RallySport and pro-triathlete.  There were a few things she said that really got me thinking about this idea.  First, she talked about racing as a triathlete and how at the end of each leg of the triathlon she tells herself “I did the best I can.”  It resonated for me because it’s such a healthy approach to competing.  Last year when I started walking half marathons – I actually polled my friends on Facebook to see if it would be lame to walk these racings.  Resounding no.  I tried to shift my thought process to “completing” vs. “competing.” Perspective. I will admit it helped.  Isn’t what any of us want, whether at play, at work, in relationships, is to do the best we can?  I’m certainly not showing up to a race thinking “how can I suck at this today?”  Completing/competing at any level is largely a mental game.  Yeah there is the physical conditioning part – don’t get me wrong, that’s a big part of it – but the mental part is a big ta-do.  Being filled with doubt does not make an event easier. When I start any open water event, I have the 5 minute panic attack.  Why did I sign up? Why did I spend $100+ to do this? Can I really do this? But then, I settle in and remember that I’ll be ok and it’s my race, no one else’s.  I do the best I can just like anyone else does.

 

I also liked a side comment Erin made at the end which was that it’s ok to set crazy ambitious goals.  I do that all the time.  I’m wired for it.  But in reality, even though the goals seem crazy, I’m not sure I set out to do anything that I don’t actually think I can do.  When I signed up to walk a marathon last year my Dad said, “Do you really think you can’t walk 26 miles?”  My answer was that I could, but I wanted to prove it to myself.  I think that’s part of the crazy goal is proving to myself I can.  Maybe this year – and especially for my Year 49 Bucket List currently in the making – I’ll look at goals that are likely achievable, but that are a stretch.  Things that will stretch my experience – bigger goals, bigger dreams.  Part of this for me is making sure that I’m not stuck on the “should” stuff.  I should do this or that.  Though I cave to that fairly regularly, my goal this year is to put an end to it, which for me in and of itself is a crazy goal.  That goes back to what I wrote about a few weeks ago though.

 

For today though I want to dream big, do the best I can, and think about those crazy goals.  I’d say that’s enough for one day.

#realwomenmove #skirtsports

Posted on

Get out of my way!

I know what I want

Yeah, I said it, get out of my way.  But the person who needs to get out of my way is ME.  I get in my own way all the time when it comes to doing things for myself – things that bring me joy and make me happy.  I procrastinate…my closet is never more organized than when I have something “frivolous” for myself to do. I blame my “responsibilities.”  Soooo much to do, floors, kitchens, bathrooms to clean, laundry, bills to pay, food to buy.  Especially when what I want to do is actually fun – I have a hard time putting it over my responsibilities.  I expect the worst…so I spend a bunch of time in risk avoidance mode, contingency planning, second guessing myself – trying to prevent being disappointed, or hurt.  So how’s that working for me?  Gotta tell you…not so great. I feel boring and serious way to often!

I’m good and setting crazy goals and hitting the mark, especially in my sports.  Why is it so hard for me to set plans for myself?  I get in my way, that’s why.  I end up feeling like it’s silly to go away for the weekend, to take myself out, to get a massage…stuff that is all good for me, that would really make me happy and bring me joy.  Now, I’m not 100% dull, I do get out, I do have friends, but man ‘o man, I’m a chicken when it comes to doing things to take care of me, to be loving to myself.

So I need to get out of my way.  The same way that I set goals for my sports – and I have big ones this year, I need to set goals to take care of me.  To spoil me ‘cause no one else is doing it!  What should be at the top of my list?  A massage after my next half marathon next month? A weekend away to refresh myself after a particularly challenging day I have coming up? A drive to the coast for the day – swim in the Bay? All I think, and more.  I want to dream bigger – indulge myself in other things besides shoes (though I bought a super cute pair of sandals just a little bit ago! I do love shoes).  So move over Lisa, there’s fun ahead.

Posted on

You haven’t walked in my shoes

be kind

So I’ve had a bunch of thoughts rolling around in my head that I want to write about. Get ready.  It started yesterday when I was in Starbucks (which I love, honestly, I only drink coffee but it relaxes me to be there). I was minding my own business, reading, journal-ing, enjoying my coffee.  Three ladies sat behind me after their morning run.  Right on – I’m all for that they were out running.  But I heard them proceed to talk about a mutual friend of theirs who apparently had been married four times. Now, I am a proponent of marriage, and staying married, but I’m in the midst of a divorce and the pain is raw.  I tried not to listen, but heard them making many, many comments about their friend.  From her judgement on the man to her choice to wear a white dress the fourth time.  What screamed in my head, so loud that eventually I couldn’t stay anymore and I packed up my stuff and left, was that they had no idea what she’d lived through.  Neither do I, but I know that it’s more than meets the eye.  It always is.

Today, back at Starbucks, I saw a woman who was homeless.  I was getting ready to buy her something to eat and then listened to her talk to another woman who checked on her.  It was clear she was schizophrenic.  I paused a minute, wondering if I really wanted to open myself up to whatever discussion would ensue.  But I did, avoiding would have been pretty chicken.  Julie was sweet and my heart ached for her.  I was sad that she was in that situation and no one was there to help her, care for her on Easter morning.

These situations and others I’m going through have had me thinking. We can look at other people, and think we know what they’re going through.  Maybe we think that because we’ve been in a similar situation, or maybe the same situation, and we ‘know’ what they’re feeling and thinking. But that’s not the truth.  Everyone has a different truth, a different story that got them to today.  And the book we read on the outside doesn’t even begin to scrape the surface of the journey that got them there.  I know that’s true for me.  Even sometimes when we’re one of the people in a situation, our truth about it can be different than the other person’s.  That can hurt, a lot.  But it goes back to the same idea that we really don’t know what they’ve gone through.  We can think we do, but we really don’t.  We didn’t live their life, their joy, their pain.

I think the only thing we can do is have grace. Grace towards other people, grace to ourselves.  Grace like God gives to each of us.  And it can be hard, I know, it is for me at least. But we have to try because, at least for me, I know I’d want that, I’d pray for it. So the next time I’m tempted to comment on or chime in to someone else’s life, I’ll stop.  Stop and know that they need grace and understanding as much as I do.

Posted on

Oh the things we say

What if you really said all the things that were really in your head?  I had a conversation with a friend about this today.  Sometimes, I play out entire conversations in my head.  I’m witty, funny, brave, strong, forceful, all things I wish I would really be in conversations.  Other days though, I’m maybe a little catty, snarky, mean, but these are things I would never say in a conversation.  Why? Well a) I HATE conflict – I’m sorry is there not a stronger way to say that? Hate, hate, hate… turns my stomach…avoid it in my personal life a LOT; b) Reeeealy want to be seen as a nice person; c) it’s not kind or nice; and maybe more importantly, d)no good would come from it and I’d feel bad about it later. Ok, but these things I shouldn’t say are funny sometimes, but if there at someone else’s expense, I probably shouldn’t even be thinking it, much less saying out loud.

Do you ever have those days when you say something and have to follow up with “was that in my out loud voice?” for something that belonged in your head?  Yeah, that happens.  And sometimes because I process a lot out loud, I lose track and then the stream of consciousness continues when I didn’t mean it to, oh geezzzzz.

I know some people who think you should always say what’s on your mind, at the exact time you’re thinking or feeling it.  Even if it rains on your happy parade.  Even if it makes you cry.  Even when it’s rude, or bad timing, or just plain mean.  I don’t get that.  That’s either no filter, young and full of it, a lot of things.

I also think some of the things that pop up in our heads about ourselves we shouldn’t say out loud.  No, I’m not actually an idiot for forgetting to turn off my iron, or losing my keys, or the glasses on my face. No, I’m not lazy because I chose a 5k today not a half marathon. I’m not a failure because I didn’t clean my house this week.  It’s hard to feel good if I’m always mean to myself.  Yep, same that is true for others is true for how we are to ourselves.

Alright, gotta get to my so what.  Think about those thoughts that run through your head.  About others, about you.  Hold yourself in check.  Speak truth, speak up, but speak kindly, lovingly, particularly to yourself.  Be your greatest fan because you are the voice in your head – choose to listen to the good one!

Posted on

Yes, No, Yes…ugh boundaries

It seems like it should be so easy to maintain healthy boundaries in relationships.  But, not so much, it’s a lot trickier than it looks, especially for me.  I think a lot of the time, I’m have an internal fear that doing so will cause rejection – and goodness knows I would do anything to avoid that.  The trouble is, not speaking up, not setting or maintaining boundaries, leaves me cranky…with others and myself.  With others because I resent feeling pushed to do or accept something I don’t want to do.  With myself, because I didn’t express how I really felt about the matter.

I think part of this too is because I tend to be a people pleaser, yeah, I’m admitting that.  It’s that wanting to be a good girl thing.  Now, I can guarantee you, I don’t please all the people all the time, but if I can, I usually do.  What I’m learning is that when I’m trying to please others – or live to their expectations – I usually fail.  I sell myself short and in the process don’t live true to myself.  Not my greatest strategy.  I’ve read a couple books on the word YES.  One by Lysa Terkhurst “The Best Yes” and one by Shonda Rhimes (creator of my favorite guilty pleasure, Grey’s Anatomy – yes I still watch it) “My Year of Yes.”  Both spoke about saying yes to the right things, not everything.  That takes a lot of practice for someone like me so that I don’t feel guilty.

How does it show up with boundaries? Hard to keep boundaries when you say yes to everything. I say yes to people, I say yes to adventures, I say yes to half marathons, big swims, half ironmans, without always thinking it through.  Sounds fun? Heck yes – I’m in!  Oh wait…busy…expensive…not trained…well I’m not backing out soooo…not always my best yes.  Doesn’t mean I don’t usually have fun, but it comes with angst and anxiety.

What am I learning?  I can’t always say yes, I will disappoint people in the quest to be the best version of me. And sometimes I might initially feel like I’m disappointing or letting myself down. But the truth is if I’m the best version of me, I’ll be the best for me and the best for others.  It’s a journey, one that will force me to slow down, to consider boundaries, consider if my yes is a good one, and then? Well then I’m the person I’m really meant to be…the happy girl.

Posted on

On Slowing Down

It occurs to me that I tend to set my sights high as far as what I expect from myself athletically.  Walking-wise, if I’m not doing a half marathon, or training for a half marathon, why bother.  What I’m coming to realize is doing that can lead to missing out on opportunities to connect with other women who still want to get out there, but for whom going long isn’t part of their plan.  So earlier this week when my co-worker/friend asked me to do the local Run for Mercy, I was wishy washy about it – yes, no, ok I’ll sign up.  Only a 5k, geez, what’s the point (in my head, not out loud).  I fought a cold all week so I had a good excuse but decided to ignore it.

Yesterday morning was beautiful as I rolled over to the event.  The Run for Mercy is a fundraising event that benefits Mercy Multiplied, a nonprofit Christian organization dedicated to helping young women break free from life-controlling behaviors and situations.  It was inspiring to hear testimony from young women whose lives had changed because of the residential or outreach assistance from Mercy.  I saw a friend I’d been thinking about just last week and hadn’t seen in a while…things were looking up.

As we started the walk I realized it was going to be a time of connecting, not training.  While at first the driver in me tried to get my friends to walk a little faster, I settled in to their pace.  The thing that I was reminded of is that although I basically do “couch to half marathon”…but don’t always do the hard core training part…and don’t really think about the difficulty of the event…everyone has different.  That’s a good thing and great gut check for me.  I got to talk with my friends and as we walked through the beautiful park I also got to talk with a girl who told me she was 30 days sober.  WOW – that is an accomplishment.  To have the courage to change your life, to rely on God and then get out and walk a 5k…it gave me chill bumps.  She walked in with us and I saw her on the way out, thankful to have finished the race.

What’s my “so what” about all this?  For me, the so what is the reminder that I need to slow down at times or I’m going to miss the connections God puts in front of me.  I can get so focused on driving for the big goals in life that I ignore the beautiful rest stops along the way.  And if I want to be an encourager of others, I have to go at their pace, whether it be athletically or through other connection points. The same is true with my own life – that idea of slowing down and listening, experiencing, just being – I don’t take time to do that and I need to.

Turns out I did achieve a goal yesterday, it just looked different than I thought it would, but that’s how God works sometimes, it’s a good thing.

Posted on

Sometimes soldiers get broken

So I like to think that I do a pretty good job at soldiering on – that art of being a trooper and moving forward despite the fact my life might be falling apart.  Trouble?  Keep moving forward, it’s only a blip, this too will pass. I subscribe to this theory all the time.  And it’s ok, sort of, sometimes, but not really.  The challenge to soldiering on is that it causes me to roll past experiences in my life that hurt, a lot, and I don’t really deal it.

When you’ve been at this game for as long as I have, you’ve rolled past a lot of stuff and you think it’s gone, but it’s really not.  No, it’s actually lurking in the background, it’s like a cloud hanging over your head.  And then it starts to leak out, well, really is leaking out.  You don’t want to acknowledge what’s happening, so you don’t.  But other people start to notice, and you start to notice.  Things seem off, or you’re irritable for no reason, and then you’re crying again.  Crap.

So here I am, feeling like I’m in a washing machine, tumbled around, beat up and dripping out parts of me that no one needs to see. Not sure where I’m headed, but knowing that I can’t stay here.  I know God’s got a lot more in store for me.  I have the whole second half to live and I want joy, I want happy, I want fun! I’m reminded of what a friend once told me, “You’re not a good soldier when you’re injured.”  I think it’s time to get healed.