Author: Lisa@bbrave

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I earned this one…

Integrity, doing what I say I’m going to do, is a BIG deal to me.  I’m quite sure I hold myself to a much stricter standard than anyone else would expect.  So when I said I was going to do the Shamrock half marathon today, I was in.  But then it rained, a lot, for days leading up to today.  Doubt didn’t just creep in, it full on body slammed me.  Had I trained enough (no, not really), was I healthy enough (hmmm…debatable…had walking pneumonia about 6 weeks ago), who did I really have to prove anything to? No one was the answer to that last one, except to me.  I said I was going to do it, I laid out the cash, and didn’t really want to give myself permission to flake.  Yesterday, I’d gotten myself psyched, it wouldn’t rain much I figured, it was only a few hours of my life (I walk these, not run, so it takes a little longer), game on.

Then I woke up this morning to pouring rain and wind.  Waffling set in, big time.  My friend messaged me with encouragement and said she’d see me there.  I not so secretly had hoped she was texting to bail on the race, which I may have taken as a sign to roll over.  But no, an hour later I was headed downtown, thinking how it wouldn’t be that bad, the rain would stop, and I’d be with 3,000 of my friends out there running through Sacramento.  When I got into the venue, I ran into a few friends from work, and that always peps me up plus it gave me company while I waited.

When the race finally started, I was good.  Really, these things are great for people watching.  Because I walk, I’m usually with folks for whom it’s a BIG deal to run a half marathon.  I find that so encouraging.  They are all shapes, sizes and ages and they are gutting it out on a Sunday morning to get a finisher’s medal and a bag of chips – ok, there was beer at the end, I just didn’t have any, would’ve if I could’ve but beer is no friend of my tummy.  They are moms, dads, friends… and everyone is so encouraging of each other.  I love that about these races.  And there was rain, a good amount of it, and a lot of wind, but folks kept on going.  There were lots of people on the sidelines cheering for the friends and family and I’m pretty sure some of those signs were meant just for me.  Seeing the finish line was a spectacular feeling, I even ran the last hundred yards.  Funny thing was, it was the fastest race I’ve ever done and I definitely felt like I earned that finisher’s medal.  Rain and wind are great motivators to walk faster.

What holds true about a half marathon, or for any endurance type event I complete (not compete anymore, just complete), is that I persevere.  I run through a million excuses in my head, but I still do it, and quitting is never I choice I even consider.  It’s mental toughness training as much as anything.  Did it hurt? Yes, it hurt.  My stump killed me (I don’t have a left foot) for the last 5 miles, I prayed and breathed through that.  But really, a lot of things worth pursuing aren’t easy, there are ups and downs and then there’s the glorious finish line.  Or maybe there’s no finish line, just the joys and the lessons learned.  I truly believe each of us has the ability to get out there and push ourselves harder than we could have imagined.  Some do it in races, like mine today, but others do it by getting through life circumstances that seem insurmountable, and I’ve had those too.  I know God is with me through all of it and that gives me strength and encouragement.  And now I think I’ll go have a treat…I earned it after all.

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Go…ready…set

So a little over a year ago, I did an obstacle race with some girls at work, the Rocklin Ramble.  It was silly, and fun, and wet and I even ran a little.  So what, right?  Fun day, sunshine, girl time, yay Lisa.  But after, my mind, being what it is, thought the running wasn’t so bad.  Oh yeah, there was the fact that I’d run in the past with bad results.  I have a prosthetic leg and running about near killed my stump (there were tears folks, pain and frustration).  But I got it in my head that I walk pretty fast, so hey, maybe I could walk an event.  5k seemed like nothing, 10k, not much better…oh yeah, so I’ll just do a half marathon. I throw it out on Facebook, asking my running friends if I’ll be mocked for walking a half.  They assure me no, go for it.  Fast forward two weeks…no I did not stutter…and I’m at the start of the Avenue of the Vines Half Marathon in Lodi.  By then, I’d managed to lay out a good amount of money because, of course, you have to have all the right gear, and have to look cute…duh.  Gun goes off and so do I, running at first because I still worried about looking like a dork, but quickly settling into my fast walk.  I know its fast (or fast enough) because my new fancy Garmin multi-sport watch tells me so.  I manage to keep a decent pace all the way through and run into the finish because, again, the dork factor.  It was AWESOME!  Endurance events suck me in so I knew there’d be more, and there were, one a month the rest of 2015. But for that day, my achievement dial was way, way up.  AND, major bonus, my foot didn’t really hurt – ok maybe a little, but it passed.  Looking back, I’m reminded that some of my greatest joys come from not overthinking, from acting spontaneously and just going for it. If I planned for that race too much, got too much in my head, I probably wouldn’t have had as much fun. Definitely need to dial more not overthinking in, all part of that just start thing.

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Where am I going with this?

That’s a good question.  Anyone reading this might wonder about my random thoughts. Honestly I wonder about them too.  Sometimes, I’m going to write about them.  Other days, most days, I might write about my journey as a 40-something, often faking it but having fun, athlete.  No science to what I have to say, unless I claim otherwise, but I’ve been fortunate to learn a lot over the years and have a lot of random thoughts (yes…more of them) about it.  Mainly, I think that anyone can do it.  No, really, that simple.  The deal is, you just have to set your mind to it.  It’s not that hard.  You might think it is, but it’s not.  You just don’t start doing marathons day one, half’s maybe, but not full – kidding – or not – if you’re me.  I figure I only have one life and I’ve spent an awful lot of it doing what everyone else wants me to.  I love my sports, swimming, biking, walking (I want to say running but that’s not what I do).  They make me joyful, even when they hurt.  And I let someone slow me down from them for a while, and I got depression, seriously! Meds and all.  I’m done with that.  I want a balance between doing them as much as I want but not being a slave to training – that’s just a drag.  I would love for others to join me in this crazy journey, to tell me what they’re up to, there’s definitely more fun in numbers!

So I’m probably going to write about my adventures, and past adventures, and a lot of other stuff too, so thanks for your patience!

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Mom Land

So I’m a mom.  Have been for 23 years and counting, done it a couple of times.  My kids (though they don’t like me to call them that anymore because they’re in their 20’s) are awesome!  Each of them has qualities that if you combined them would make them a mini-me.  But those qualities they’ve adopted are not always the good ones.  My son called last night asking what an anxiety attack was like. I tried to describe it but did a much better job this morning when I was holding an attack of my own at bay.  I can see traits of perfectionism in each of them.  You might be thinking that would be great, and it is, on a good day.  On a bad day, it’s over thinking, worrying, second guessing, self depreciating…or maybe that’s just me.  That’s the thing, now that I’m in my 40’s, I’ve learned enough about myself to see the ups and downs of my traits.  I’d like to say that I always choose the ups, but the truth is I fight those downs too.  I think that’s the best we can do.  My kids might think I’m crazy but I try to bestow them with this knowledge, so it’s ok if they think I’m crazy.  Maybe it’ll save them a little therapy one of these days.

I also look backwards for myself and try to understand how the way I was raised affects how I show up.  What I CANNOT STAND is hearing people constantly blaming or citing their childhood as the reason why they act a certain way.  In therapy sometimes they call it family of origin issues.  Truth is, I got so tired of hearing about family of origin issues and other people trying to blame mine for how I was wired that I checked it.  Game over, check mate, see ya later.  I think a rebelled a little bit.  Yep, I was a child.  Yep, my childhood wasn’t like the Waltons.  But my childhood was great, in it’s own way.  It made me a little quirky and who I am.  If I can see the stuff that I need to be aware of, that stuff that triggers me, all the better.  But I am not going to sit around in a group and hypothesize about what went wrong, when nothing did. Phew, so that’s how I really feel about that, not that anyone asked.  Being a mom makes you think about stuff like that, I mean, understanding yourself so you can try and help your kids apply their skills for good…not evil.  Make them mini-me’s 2.0, better versions.

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Today’s Journey

Thinking about how life is just one continuous journey.  There are ups and downs and I think I just pray the downs become dips instead of valleys.  Some days, I feel like I’m about to burst with possibility.  Then, I’ll hit a dip, the voices in my head start screaming all the fear triggers I have and I feel like I dissolve into a crying mess.  Even when I can see it happening, I’m often not able to stop it.  Gotta work on that.  I feel like I had a tiny victory though.  When someone recently made a comment to me that was a dagger to my heart, I let myself be sad.  I didn’t dismiss it away, I sat in the space for a time.  But I was also sad for that person.  Sad that they were living in a negative space.  Praying they can move away from that space.

I think that what is helping me work through these feelings is that I have no time for being a victim and blaming.  What’s the point?  Say you think you’re a victim.  Wah, wah, woe is me, I certainly didn’t do anything to cause this situation.  Ok, so life did you wrong…you think.  The thing is, you can stay in that space or do something about it.  I tend to feel like in any situation, I had a piece of it, whether small or large.  Sitting back feeling like a victim doesn’t force me to look at my part.  That’s what I need to focus on.  Otherwise, it’s a huge time suck of crankiness that doesn’t resolve anything and doesn’t move me forward.  Blame or excuses are just lies I tell myself so I don’t have to face reality.  So I’ll accept my part and move forward…ok, maybe after I lose a few hours of sleep, but I still move forward.  It’s a journey, after all.

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Just start

That’s what I keep hearing in my head.  But I haven’t.  So much to plan, to figure out, to understand, all resulting in a bit fat nothing actually happening.  I’m sick of it.  Tired of being the uber responsible one who thinks through and plans for every possible pitfall, has a contingency for every possible risk, and who lets dreams go easily.  I’ve watched so many fall by the wayside because being responsible was so much more important than doing something I actually want to do.  Something that will actually make me happy (even though having a clean house makes me very happy, cleaning does not make me happy).  So I’m serious all the time.  I’ve heard it for years.  I look upset, unapproachable, just plain serious.  Honestly, it’s a huge drag.  But if I do what I like, what makes me happy, what will people think?

Well, it’s a new day.  I can’t control what other people think and really, that usually has more to do with them than me.  Other people’s expectations can be awesome, have driven me to many accomplishments, to be a better person, to success in some ways.  But I can’t live my life worrying about them all the time.  There’s still that place inside me that knows there is so much more I have to do, that God wants me to do.  So many more ways that I can live out my purpose. I can be an every better version of me.  I’m ready!  Now.  No more when….(fill in the blank) happens. I have so much in my head I want to say, to share, to do. So this is it.  This is the start.  Stay tuned Lisa.