Category: Be Kind

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What’s your story?

Inspire YouI think about a lot of stuff, which you know if you’ve read my blog at all.  It all flows out of my brain and lands here.  It’s sort of how I process stuff.  It’s like processing out loud and it’s a little therapeutic.  Today I’m thinking about my story, and what I want it to be 15 years from now.  Of course, it’s not one of those things where the answer has leapt out.  I wish it was that easy.

Here’s the low down as I see it so far.  Did all the planned stuff.  Grew up in the woods, great family, normal ups and downs like any other family.  We were the family that was always doing.  Winters, we were skiing.  Summers, we were horseback riding in the backcountry, sailing, boating.  Bottom line, lots of doing.  Not a lot of downtime.  And we had a great time. So when I had my kids, I felt like I should always be doing.  I wasn’t content to just sit around the house. It made me antsy, anxious, feeling like I was missing out.  But I stayed busy doing stuff, just stuff, nothing that really made me happy.  Ok, of course hanging with my kids was fun, but there was still more I felt I should be doing.

Then, somewhere in my late 30’s, I found I could ride a bike, a long way, and I was in love.  At first, 20 miles was a long way.  I thought I’d die.  But it got easier, and I kept going.  I discovered that I really like to ride a long way, seemed like my body was meant for it.  I had great friends and we had some crazy adventures!  Overnight bike trips, double centuries, competing, riding with fast guys…things I never would have thought I could do.  I meant so many kind, amazing, inspiring people.  People who accomplished much more than I ever could, who rode in with me on some of those rides that were tough, encouraging me along the way.  Cycling was my passion.

Then life threw me a few curve-balls.  So what else is new, right?  That’s what life does.  Ok, so now what.  Well, you adjust, that’s what.  I slowed down. I hated it, but I slowed down.  But I got used to it and as much as I still had passion for cycling, not spending all day on my bike wasn’t a bad thing.  Except, I missed my bike. I missed getting out in nature, in God’s creation. Getting out and exploring, pushing my body, seeing what I can do.

So I started swimming, and I can’t run, but started walking, fast.  And if endurance was good for cycling, I’d better do that for swimming and walking.  So into the Bay, onto Half-Marathons, Marathons (or, marathon, one…but I’m not done).  I don’t know what it is, but I really like endurance events.  I love the camaraderie, I love pushing my body, and I love the adventure.

I think today this is spilling out my head because it has to do with my story.  At least my story so far.  And I don’t know that it matters, but here’s what I think.  I think that anyone could do what I’ve done and all that I still have on the list to do.  I honestly do.  I think too often we self-impose limits on ourselves.  We listen to what other people say, or what we say in our own heads, about what we can’t do rather than what we can do.  This is where I am thankful.  I had my foot amputated when I was 4, and my story could have been much different.  But my parents never treated me like I was any different than every other little girl.  So all that “doing?” I was doing, I didn’t have a hall pass, I didn’t get out of PE, I did everything everyone else did.  And what a difference that made, it set me out on the right course.  So it never occurs to me that I can’t do something.

That’s the same challenge I’d put out for anyone else.  The only thing limiting you or anyone else is that voice in your head – or maybe it’s someone’s voice – but you can ignore it, that’s ok.  And I think I want that to part of my story. I want to find ways I can help shape someone else’s story.  Help some other woman believe in themselves and believe that those big dreams they have don’t have to be dreams, they can really happen.

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Slowing Down

I recently had minor surgery and the doctor said that afterwards I needed to take it easy.  Take it easySeems simple enough, but no.  I immediately had questions.  “So when you say take it easy, what does that mean?” He says I can take short walks but otherwise spend time resting.  So again, I have to ask, “short walks, does that mean a few miles?” Because to me, that seems like a short walk.  Apparently not.  More like around the block or less.  And are you sure I can’t swim? That’s seems like taking it easy.  No.  Not, just a little bit, just straight up no.  It’s going to be a long six weeks…

As an athlete (of sorts) I push myself – I push to test the limits of my own body as much as anything else.  So when I have to take it easy – it messes with my mojo, and in more ways than just physically.  Take it easy also means that I don’t need to get up at 4 a.m. which is what I normally do to swim or bike or walk before work.  It means I don’t get my daily dose of endorphins. It means my routine is completely thrown off, and I thrive in routine – I cannot emphasize that enough, thrive – especially when things around me are uncertain or changing.  Keeping my routine keeps me grounded. Likely I’m not alone in that.  But what I notice is that it throws me off kilter in a big way.

When I’m off kilter, off center, in this case because of the shake up to my routine (oh, and that surgery thing, that didn’t particularly make me feel fantastic), I’m more susceptible to triggers.  Things that I normally would just roll through can cause me to fall apart.  That happened this week.  But in the midst of it, really in the midst of feeling like I was having a melt down (admit it – we’ve all had melt downs), I came to a better place.  I took a few chances.  Normally I am not someone who would ever admit, much less talk about, feeling like I’m less than 100%.  It’s scary, and I have to be vulnerable – not my favorite. But I did this week, I talked to someone I really trust.  Someone who I know has my best interest at heart and whose advice I know is the truth. It’s like she held up a mirror for me.  Showing me all thing things that are going on right now– that take it easy stuff – and how that impacted me.

 

And she’s right.  Here’s what I’m learning through this experience. It’s ok to take it easy.  The world is not ending.  Yes, I’ll lose fitness, yes, my routine is wonky, but it’s ok. It reminds me of when I was cycling a lot and could hold my own.  When faced with a situation where I had to slow down on the bike, it was hard, and I mean really hard. Going my own pace was so much easier.  But the joy in slowing down, in being a buddy to someone else on the bike, was that I got to know them better.  I think maybe that’s the opportunity we have when we slow down.  You get to know other parts of yourself. The parts you just skate by in the midst of busy, in the midst of routine.  Slowing down gives space to be still, to see what comes up.  In truth, it’s somewhat of a gift for those of us who push, who thrive in the known.  It gives a chance to be still.  So for me, with four more weeks to go – I’m going to settle in – I’m going to enjoy the still – I’m going to see what God brings up – and I’m going to embrace it.

 

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Stronger Together

Stronger WomebnI have the luxury of spending the weekend with girlfriends from high school – a very rare thing for me. We came together to do the Disney Tinker Bell Half Marathon – and this is where my major disclaimer comes in – I am not against Disney, but I am Universal Studios loyal.  But to hang with my friends, down I drove yesterday to Anaheim.  How people drive in the LA traffic I have no idea.  It took me over 9 hours and became increasingly painful through LA, barely moving.  Once I got here, all that was forgotten and we fell into the same easy conversation as the last time we were together.  Plus we have the bonus of my friend’s sisters and college room-mate being here too.

But this isn’t about that, per se.  I have a lot of friends around my age, which is slowly creeping up on 50.  What I’ve decided is that there is so much…and I can’t emphasize that enough, SO much… that as women, we are not told about what it’s like as we get older.  I look at my friends, my girlfriends at home, at we look great.  We’re in shape, active, healthy, all good stuff.  But the tricks our bodies play are insane.

Is it 150 degrees in this room? No, hot flash.  Did I sleep in a waterbed that exploded? No, night sweats.  How did that black whisker get on my chin? Where did my energy go? And don’t get me started on the female junk.  Why did I put the eggs away in the cabinet with the cooking spray?  Why do I cry all the time?  Having kids was great but leaves a mark on the body, just saying, especially at this age. Seriously, there is some hardwiring that goes sideways.  The funny thing to me is that most women go through it,  to some degree, but we don’t talk about it that often.  When we do, we always talk about how it seems to be some big secret that the women who came before us pledged to keep.

It makes me wonder why we don’t talk about it, for camaraderie and to normalize it.  I know that a lot of women, ok, me, believes that you have to be strong, have to persevere despite what’s thrown at me.  I don’t think I’m alone in that.  Women in general know tend to hold it together pretty well.  So I suppose it stands to reason that many don’t talk about what they’re going through except in close circles. I’m not suggesting that we embark on a free-for-all of over sharing, but wouldn’t it be interesting if it more common for women to come alongside each other to share and for support? Not to brave it out alone?  I can’t tell you how much better I feel when I realize I’m not alone, that others go through what I do.  And it doesn’t make us weak that we go through physical or other struggles, I think it probably makes us stronger to talk about it so that we can process and move forward.

What I’m learning is that women need women.  I think for me I’m realizing that more and more as I get older.  It’s a support system that I never realized would be so helpful and it was there when I needed it.  I think we need it.  So today, as I sit lounging by the pool at the VRBO house we’re staying at (super cute – despite the Disney theme), I am thankful.  Thankful that I have my friends, thankful for these friends and this weekend to enjoy our time just being and relaxing.  We may not be thankful for the tricks our bodies play on us, but we know each other, we can be real with each other – I think we all need people who we support and who support us.  Our lives are better for it.

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Teeter Totter

Oscillating

Ever play on the teeter totter as a child?  When you have someone on the other side that you trust, it’s awesome, easy flow, back and forth, up and down.  If you have the unlucky draw of someone who doesn’t like you, prepare for the sudden jerks up and down. Or if you got your parent, you could convince them to do all the work.  And when you look at it before climbing on, on good days, it’s got that perfect balance where both sides are even above the ground.

Sometimes it seems like life is a teeter totter. Ride it alone, you’re doing all the work.  You can propel yourself up, but you do have to keep doing the work to stay up.   So that can wear you out if you haven’t practiced, and you end up resting on the ground, hoping you didn’t fall too hard.  You can also have ups and downs when someone else is on it with you – there’s no controlling that. But in the end, if you work at it, you can end up back in the neutral space, and I think that’s a choice.  You don’t have to sit with your butt on the ground, you can do some work and get up.

I’ve thought about this over the last couple days.  I had a helpful suggestion given to me that was soooo well-meaning and kind.  I was so thankful for the friend who passed it along.  But there were other components that factored into it that I didn’t talk about, and those things got me feeling like I was on that teeter totter and kept dropping to the ground, of my own doing.  My mind started down the well-known path of doubt and questioning and second guessing.  Now, just the other day, I had vowed to not let myself go there anymore, but found there I was, awake for hours in the middle of the night, with my mind spinning.

But today, I got to a different place.  A healthy place.  I reminded myself that I didn’t have to make any decisions today, and that got me a little off the ground.  Then I decided to stick with not looking backwards because, a) I’d committed to it, b) it wasn’t going to answer or solve anything, and c) it keeps me stuck…ok, up a little more.  I also realized that I had no reason to feel shame or guilt with whatever I decided and that got me pretty close to that neutral space.  When I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and thought, “you are worthy of being happy,” I was on that upswing.  And that’s really the key issue.  I am worthy of being happy, and that doesn’t come from anyone else, it comes from within me and the choices I make.  I’m pushing the teeter totter.

So now I have the suggestion from my friend, and that’s it.  I can just live with it and leave it with God.  I’m open but know that I’ve got some work to do before I could act on it.  God and I have work to do and that’s ok, and I don’t know how long it will take.  But what I do know is that that ride on the teeter totter is back to normal and I got there pretty quickly.  That made it a YAY ME, “I got it!” kind of day.

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Table For One

IMG_2444[1]So I did it.  I took myself on a date! I’ve learned that what makes me happy is to have an adventure and that’s what I planned.  Here’s how it went.  I drove over to Tiburon and took the ferry out to Angel Island.  The island sits on the Marin side of the San Francisco Bay and is beautiful!  I knew that I wanted to do some hiking and had a couple of options.  I could walk around the perimeter or up Mount Livermore that sits in the middle of the island.  I flip flopped back and forth a couple of times and then decided to go up – better views and I’d be in nature.  The perimeter loop had lots of history – but I didn’t really care about that – apologies to my history loving friends.  Nature is more my thing.

As I started up the hill, I realized I forgot my headphones, but then decided that was probably ok – more time to think and just be still in my mind.  Though I don’t know if I could live there, I love the Bay Area – especially the Marin side.  I trucked up the mountain

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and took time to enjoy the views along the way.  Although…I hiked at a pace that left me a little sore today – bonus! It was a picture perfect day and just stunningly beautiful – sunscreen would have been my friend since my running dress is super cute but sleeveless, talking about accelerated tanning. (Am I the only one that happens to? That first big sun exposure of the year and the aftermath – reminding me to wear sunscreen the rest of the year)   Afterwards, I went to a restaurant I like in Corte Madera for a big salad and then to the outdoor mall across the street where I dreamt of new shoes in Sundance and sampled perfume at Nordstrom.  I moseyed home later without being worried about the time, or any pressures at home.  Probably not a date someone else would choose, but super relaxing and therapeutic for me!

I had a great time and came home relaxed, but I think the better part of the day is what and what didn’t go on in my head. I made a choice not to dwell but to just let thoughts flow in my mind as I walked and see what came up. I’ve been going through a tough (stating it mildly) season, one that has caused me to spend a lot of time in self-reflection, more than usual and that’s saying a lot.  Looking back, trying to understand, being angry, wanting answers, wondering what I did or didn’t do, guilt, shame…you name it, I probably felt it at least once.  But here’s really sunk in yesterday, even though I already knew this… I’m not going to get answers, I’m not going to get “closure” of this situation from anyone but myself.  I have to make a choice to look at today, to look forward instead of looking back.  God has given me everything I need to move forward.  He forgives me when I need to be forgiven.  I need to choose to live happily, to choose joy, to be kind to myself.  God is not a micro manager – only I can change my story.  He’s given me everything I need to get to a different place.  I don’t want anyone to look at me and think my current story – or the story I would tell before yesterday – is my entire life.  It’s a chapter – the chapter some people met me in the middle of.  But there is so much more life for me, so much more that I have to give to others and give to myself.

That said, I don’t know what lies ahead, I really don’t.  But what I do know is that I can make choices about what I bring into my life. What I allow to swim around in my head, what I meditate on.  Continuing to rehash and re-evaluate won’t change anything and I don’t say that loosely.  It’s the truth.  I can’t change anything in the past, but I can choose, I am choosing, to see if different, from a different perspective, one whIMG_2445[1]ere I give myself and others mercy and grace.

I was asked if there will be a second date.  Yes, I would go out with me again and enjoy that table for one – I’m worth it.

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Getting my mojo back…or maybe finally getting it for real

title-bar-mojo-back-sm

So I’ve felt it in a few different ways… it’s being on my bike when feeling strong like I’m riding with a tailwind…like running downhill in great form and flying (like a rockstar!)…swimming and feeling like I could keep going and going… it’s that awesome feeling I have doing something I love and having it feel like childlike play it brings so much joy.  For me, that’s part of my mojo – but part that I lost for a long time. Why is a long story and while I could say that another person caused me to lose it, that’s really not true.  If I lost it, I consciously did so…I gave it away.  Maybe I gave it away as part of being a people pleaser or trying to do what I thought someone else wanted.  But did that make the other person or me happy? No, no it didn’t.  Instead, no one is really happy and for me, I’m not being myself and that’s frustrating, and sad and a rip off.  So I’ve been conscious of this and been working on getting back to the place where I have that joy again.  Crap, it’s hard! It’s a choice, it’s about what I choose to do with my time, my energy and just as importantly, what I choose not to spend my time on…thinking about…worrying about.

Which leads me to the second thing rolling around in my head.  That whole idea about letting myself feel confident in me, in who God made me to be, it’s a big deal.  I’m starting to notice that when I have and project that confidence, others see it in me too.  And that’s good, but not what I’m after.  Instead, I’m just aware of it.  Aware of how easy it is to talk to random people, to make conversation, to learn more about people.  How easy it is to be open to what’s around me and take it in – to really appreciate what’s around me – and be able to decide if I want to keep in that space.  But I’m also very aware of not getting too caught up in it.  That would distract me as much as anything.  I want to hold all these thoughts loosely.

I’m realizing that the more I can just notice what I’m experiencing and if I like it, if it brings me joy, or if it’s a definite no go, the more I get my mojo.  That joy, the cmojo-backhildlike joy, of doing and being with and around what I love. That just peps me up, no other way to put it. Today I was also encouraged to think about the idea that you’re never really alone – you’re with yourself and to enjoy that person! Super interesting to think about.  So getting my mojo back is partly about reclaiming my passions.  But it’s also about finding other parts of me that I hadn’t paid attention to before and enjoying those.  I think there’s a big “watch out world” in me getting ready to be unleashed.  It’s gonna be awesome!

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Talking to Myself

IMG_2438Not gonna lie. There is a constant stream of chatter in my head, seriously, ALL the time.  It ranges from deep thinking to random things…do I need the Jo Malone perfume…yes I do it’s a limited edition…well maybe not…but what about those jeans…maybe I’ll write a book…should I go to the movies today…ugh I need to clean the house… You get the picture and that was just in the last 5 minutes.  I wake up in the  middle of the night and have to tell myself not to start thinking or I’ll really wake up instead of just awake to go to the bathroom – which – ladies can I get a shout out  – that’s an aspect of getting older I could do without.

But I’m also very introspective so I think a lot about my life.  I think about my choices, again and again and again. I tend to question myself, to think through decisions from a million different angles.  To decide and then to rethink it again. I’m hard on myself.  Harder I think than anyone else would ever be.  Partially, I don’t know that that’s a bad thing.  I push myself to levels of excellence.  I push myself to do my best at whatever I set my mind to.  I strategize my choices and decisions. I’m a planner too, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, if it’s used for good rather than beating myself up.  Here’s how it played out today.  I wanted to get up at 5:30 a.m. to go for an 8 mile walk – I’m training for a half marathon.  Alarm goes off and I laid in bed for a minute – so cozy.  Next thing I know, it’s after 6 a.m.  Ok, so in reality, so what?  It’s 6 a.m. on a Sunday morning, I have nothing really to do today, but it wasn’t my plan.  The ensuing conversation I have with myself is actually talking myself off the cliff.  Ok Lisa, doesn’t really matter.  It’s ok if you’re day starts a little later.  Don’t let yourself be time driven, it’s not that big of a deal, let it go.  I did and it was, of course, fine.  But these are the things I think through, that I beat myself up about.  And I guarantee you that I’m in recovery and have actually gotten better – believe it or not.

When I make a mistake though or when I fall short of my own expectations – brutal.  Again, I’m trying to be in recovery about it, but it’s incredibly hard.  Can anyone relate to me on that?  The negative self-talk is crazy.  Truth is, I’m not perfect.  I make mistakes, and I’m learning that beating myself up about it doesn’t do me any good.  The over analyzing doesn’t do me any good.  It’s that idea of let your yes be yes and your no be no.  I need to do that even in my own mind about my own stuff (and I’ve got plenty).  I don’t think I’m alone in this.  I think a lot of people would maybe not raise their hand but silently giving me an “Amen Sister” to the idea that they tend to beat themselves up, just like I do.  Comes back to that self-forgiveness idea that I talked about  a while ago.  It’s ok to see a mistake, but have to accept, make amends with yourself or others, and then move forward.

This idea really smacked me across the head recently when a friend shared a bit of wisdom from a book she read.  “In your whole life nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself.  And the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit you will tolerate from someone else.” The Four Agreements – Don Miguel Ruiz. (Side note here – the basic principles in this book made a lot of sense to me – the spiritual aspects were not something I aligned with as a Christian – but the principles were great) So this was one of those things said to me at just the right time.  I think you can hear things from people at times and they might just bounce off.  But if they hit you at just the right time, you might be open to hearing and applying.  That’s how this hit me.  It really made me think about relationships I’ve had and the constant feeling of not being enough or not meeting that person’s expectations.

It really hit me from the standpoint of the tipping point.  The tipping point where I felt like my eyes opened to what was happening and that was not ok anymore.  The whole thing really made me think about the way I talk to myself too.  If I’m setting the standard for what’s ok, I need to change that standard.  I already know this but it helped drive home how important it is that I treat myself well, with kindness.  I need to give myself a break, remember that I’m not perfect, remember that making a mistake or bad decision does not make me a bad person.  IF I can shift the way I think about the way I treat myself then what expect from others will shift.  That may come with some tough decisions, decisions about whether a relationship is healthy or toxic and stopping if it’s the later.  BUT, if I can do that, if I can treat myself kindly and expect the same – I’ll be healthier, happier and more able to live out the life God designed me for…using all my gifts and abilities well, being a good steward what He’s given me.  That’s the end game, this is just one step along the way.

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Take me on a date…

Here’s wTake me on a datehat I’m up against.  I was told that as part of the process of learning to love myself, learning what I really like and don’t like independent of what I “should” like or not like, of experiencing more of me, I should take myself on a date.  I’m sorry, what?  Yes, take yourself out, plan it as though you are planning a date with another person, except that you get to do everything you want, there’s no one else to weigh in, to consider.  Get dressed up…for yourself and go and enjoy.  Experience your surroundings, enjoy your time with you, treat yourself!

In theory
, that didn’t sound too bad. Play along with me for a minute though.  So if you’ve lived around people, yeah, just around people, and made decisions, they usually factor in what others want to do as well as what you want.  If you’re me, often those decisions defaulted to what the other person wanted to do, or defaulted to nothing out of mutual indecision or neither of you wanting to do what the other did – and tell me that’s not frustrating – soooo frustrating.  So the thought of coming up with a date with myself was a pretty big task.

I will say that going through this process has been interesting.  It’s made me think about what I like and don’t like. I like to be creative.  I like to feel pretty and shoes and clothes.  I like being outside. I like pushing my body. I like chips and ribs and sweet potato fries. As my date (which is coming up soon) gets closer, I’m going to keep being aware, just noticing things that make me happy (even my new notebook for work makes me happy, it’s gold with silver flowers. How often though do any one of us take time to think about what we really like? Isn’t that selfish? Well, not according to the counselling I’m getting, and it makes sense.  If you don’t understand or aren’t aware of what you really enjoy, how are you going to represent that in a relationship? You’d always be deferring, be pleasing, and your true self could get buried deeper inside you at the same time.

I’m not going to lie and tell you I have it all figured out, but here are a few things that come to mind. Going for a swim in the Bay, going for a long hike/walk (or half marathon), riding my bike – I see a theme, outdoors doing something.  But really that’s fun for me.  Then last weekend, I got girled up in my new running dress and shorts and felt…well I felt girly and I like
it! So there’s something about getting dressed up that’ll be part of my date with me, because it makes me feel pretty and makes me happy. But where would I go eat because there must be food? That one I don’t really know yet.

I think part of the learning in all this is that there’s a balance between protecting your interests and others, not that that’s anything new.  In order for any relationship to succeed, there’s got to be two whole people.  Not one who doesn’t express themselves, or another who is always taking from the other.  Eventually the one being taken from gets depleted and has nothing left to give. So I get it. Taking myself on a date is a chance for me to be with me.  To explore what I really like, experience what’s around me without distraction, notice what I feel and think in the midst of it. I’m still nervous about it, but it’s coming at me.  I’m going to be brave, and YES, I will go out with me!

 

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Sorry seems to be the hardest word…

How utterly, truly, cliché.  Really. Dates me because I remember that song, Elton John stuck in head forever.  I think what might be harder though is to say I forgive you – and mean it.  SayiSorry Seems to be the hardest wordng  you’re sorry can be hard, but it’s really about what you’ve done.  Telling someone you forgive them, well that’s about them.  It’s about you releasing them from your heart.  In reality, it releases you more than them because carrying around the bitterness and pain doesn’t hurt the other person, it hurts you.  This is not new news to anyone. Even so, it’s still hard.  I recently forgave someone and it was hard.  But I’m happy, I feel freer, lighter.  I didn’t forget, but that pain isn’t inside me anymore.

So you would think that if I needed to forgive myself, it would come a little easier.  In fact, it’s not easy, no, not easy at all, in fact, it’s like that Elton John song, or the Barney theme song when my kids were little, it will not go away.  The mistakes I’ve made run over and over and over.  I think I’ve forgiven myself – because I know God has – but then I bring them all up in my mind again.  And I’m right back there, in shame, in guilt, in beating myself up.

I was thinking about this more today, really wanting to once and for all be free and forgive myself.  I can’t move forward if I keep bringing all that baggage along.  Not only does it occupy a lot of my mind but it’s heavy, and depressing, and makes me sad.  But yet I keep playing through it all in my head again.  Then today, I was in a different place. I think one of the reasons I may hold on to it – similar to staying in a bad relationship – is that I know it.  It’s familiar.  It’s not comfortable – but it’s a comfortable feeling per se because I know it.  I know what to expect.  The emotions that run through my head are known – nothing new.  So as much as it’s painful, it’s an old bathrobe.  I know the holes (ok…metaphorically only…I would never own a bathrobe with holes…seriously) and I know how much it wraps me up, but man o man, I need to throw it away.

Arriving at this thought, I remembered that if I roll along comfortable all the time, I’m not experiencing anything new.  I’m not growing.  I’m not reaching.  Yeah, I may also have disappointment in the unknown, but the joy I can feel is worth so much more.  And I know that God doesn’t call me to be comfortable.  He wants me to experience the life He’s created for me.  So maybe I’m ready.  I feel ready. I really feel ready to forgive myself once and for all.  I mean, God has, and I didn’t hide anything from Him.  He’s knows all the ugly.  I’ve learned but it’s time to go forward and say what really are the hardest words, I forgive me.

 

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This Life I Have

CD_blessedLifePreviewDo you ever think about your life? I mean really just sit and think about how blessed you are? Cut through all the noise and the nonsense that clutters your brain, your thoughts, your perspectives and just think about how blessed you are have the life that God has given you? Yeah, me neither.  But today, this week, I have.  I was reminded in the most difficult of ways how unfair life can be.  How, in an instant, what you know as reality can change and what appeared to be the next step really isn’t that at all.

Someone I’ve known my whole life, not someone I’d say I was close to, but still, a familiar person, someone I’d say hi to if I randomly ran into them, who I’d spend a few minutes catching up with, who had a full, happy life, had life taken from them unexpectedly. It makes me sad for their family, who I also have known most of my life, for their friends, their community.  But it also reminds me how life can change in a blink, in an instant.

This is nothing new, conceptually, we all know it.  But what do we do about it, or is there anything to do about it?  Well, I know that, other than physically taking care of myself, there’s not a lot I can do.  I don’t know how long God plans for me to be here, I hope a long time, but there’s no predicting it.  What I CAN do is more with what I have, those gifts, the talents that I have but that I may not fully be using. It makes me think about why I don’t use them.  Laziness? likely not. Busy-ness? More likely. Fear? Oh yeah, now we’re on to something.

Fear of what? Failing, feeling like I’m being indulgent in my own desires (ok wait, that’s not a bad thing), what else? Fear of what people might think if what I do is not “by the book.”  All likely culprits.  More and more so though I think about the fact that I’m just wasting time.  I rush to go here and there, to finish my “jobs,” my responsibilities, but don’t always enjoy that time, miss the experiences, miss the happy.

And so, I challenge myself, challenge anyone, to be intentional about my life.  Going through the motions is just that, motions, not emotions – and I want more of that.  More emotion, more happy, more joy.  Using the gifts and talents I naturally have.  Living my life, not just functioning.  Taking risks, blowing off fear, doing more and doing what it takes to make that happen.  It goes back to “just start” and stop waiting for who knows what.  Just like anyone else, my time is finite, and I want to get to the end knowing I’ve experienced, I’ve lived, I’ve given my best.   The truth is, I am blessed.  My life is good, my family is good, I have first world issues, sure, but overall, I am blessed.  So right now, I’m starting…I think I’ll go take a walk!