Category: Loving the adventure

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Teeter Totter

Oscillating

Ever play on the teeter totter as a child?  When you have someone on the other side that you trust, it’s awesome, easy flow, back and forth, up and down.  If you have the unlucky draw of someone who doesn’t like you, prepare for the sudden jerks up and down. Or if you got your parent, you could convince them to do all the work.  And when you look at it before climbing on, on good days, it’s got that perfect balance where both sides are even above the ground.

Sometimes it seems like life is a teeter totter. Ride it alone, you’re doing all the work.  You can propel yourself up, but you do have to keep doing the work to stay up.   So that can wear you out if you haven’t practiced, and you end up resting on the ground, hoping you didn’t fall too hard.  You can also have ups and downs when someone else is on it with you – there’s no controlling that. But in the end, if you work at it, you can end up back in the neutral space, and I think that’s a choice.  You don’t have to sit with your butt on the ground, you can do some work and get up.

I’ve thought about this over the last couple days.  I had a helpful suggestion given to me that was soooo well-meaning and kind.  I was so thankful for the friend who passed it along.  But there were other components that factored into it that I didn’t talk about, and those things got me feeling like I was on that teeter totter and kept dropping to the ground, of my own doing.  My mind started down the well-known path of doubt and questioning and second guessing.  Now, just the other day, I had vowed to not let myself go there anymore, but found there I was, awake for hours in the middle of the night, with my mind spinning.

But today, I got to a different place.  A healthy place.  I reminded myself that I didn’t have to make any decisions today, and that got me a little off the ground.  Then I decided to stick with not looking backwards because, a) I’d committed to it, b) it wasn’t going to answer or solve anything, and c) it keeps me stuck…ok, up a little more.  I also realized that I had no reason to feel shame or guilt with whatever I decided and that got me pretty close to that neutral space.  When I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and thought, “you are worthy of being happy,” I was on that upswing.  And that’s really the key issue.  I am worthy of being happy, and that doesn’t come from anyone else, it comes from within me and the choices I make.  I’m pushing the teeter totter.

So now I have the suggestion from my friend, and that’s it.  I can just live with it and leave it with God.  I’m open but know that I’ve got some work to do before I could act on it.  God and I have work to do and that’s ok, and I don’t know how long it will take.  But what I do know is that that ride on the teeter totter is back to normal and I got there pretty quickly.  That made it a YAY ME, “I got it!” kind of day.

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Table For One

IMG_2444[1]So I did it.  I took myself on a date! I’ve learned that what makes me happy is to have an adventure and that’s what I planned.  Here’s how it went.  I drove over to Tiburon and took the ferry out to Angel Island.  The island sits on the Marin side of the San Francisco Bay and is beautiful!  I knew that I wanted to do some hiking and had a couple of options.  I could walk around the perimeter or up Mount Livermore that sits in the middle of the island.  I flip flopped back and forth a couple of times and then decided to go up – better views and I’d be in nature.  The perimeter loop had lots of history – but I didn’t really care about that – apologies to my history loving friends.  Nature is more my thing.

As I started up the hill, I realized I forgot my headphones, but then decided that was probably ok – more time to think and just be still in my mind.  Though I don’t know if I could live there, I love the Bay Area – especially the Marin side.  I trucked up the mountain

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and took time to enjoy the views along the way.  Although…I hiked at a pace that left me a little sore today – bonus! It was a picture perfect day and just stunningly beautiful – sunscreen would have been my friend since my running dress is super cute but sleeveless, talking about accelerated tanning. (Am I the only one that happens to? That first big sun exposure of the year and the aftermath – reminding me to wear sunscreen the rest of the year)   Afterwards, I went to a restaurant I like in Corte Madera for a big salad and then to the outdoor mall across the street where I dreamt of new shoes in Sundance and sampled perfume at Nordstrom.  I moseyed home later without being worried about the time, or any pressures at home.  Probably not a date someone else would choose, but super relaxing and therapeutic for me!

I had a great time and came home relaxed, but I think the better part of the day is what and what didn’t go on in my head. I made a choice not to dwell but to just let thoughts flow in my mind as I walked and see what came up. I’ve been going through a tough (stating it mildly) season, one that has caused me to spend a lot of time in self-reflection, more than usual and that’s saying a lot.  Looking back, trying to understand, being angry, wanting answers, wondering what I did or didn’t do, guilt, shame…you name it, I probably felt it at least once.  But here’s really sunk in yesterday, even though I already knew this… I’m not going to get answers, I’m not going to get “closure” of this situation from anyone but myself.  I have to make a choice to look at today, to look forward instead of looking back.  God has given me everything I need to move forward.  He forgives me when I need to be forgiven.  I need to choose to live happily, to choose joy, to be kind to myself.  God is not a micro manager – only I can change my story.  He’s given me everything I need to get to a different place.  I don’t want anyone to look at me and think my current story – or the story I would tell before yesterday – is my entire life.  It’s a chapter – the chapter some people met me in the middle of.  But there is so much more life for me, so much more that I have to give to others and give to myself.

That said, I don’t know what lies ahead, I really don’t.  But what I do know is that I can make choices about what I bring into my life. What I allow to swim around in my head, what I meditate on.  Continuing to rehash and re-evaluate won’t change anything and I don’t say that loosely.  It’s the truth.  I can’t change anything in the past, but I can choose, I am choosing, to see if different, from a different perspective, one whIMG_2445[1]ere I give myself and others mercy and grace.

I was asked if there will be a second date.  Yes, I would go out with me again and enjoy that table for one – I’m worth it.

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Getting my mojo back…or maybe finally getting it for real

title-bar-mojo-back-sm

So I’ve felt it in a few different ways… it’s being on my bike when feeling strong like I’m riding with a tailwind…like running downhill in great form and flying (like a rockstar!)…swimming and feeling like I could keep going and going… it’s that awesome feeling I have doing something I love and having it feel like childlike play it brings so much joy.  For me, that’s part of my mojo – but part that I lost for a long time. Why is a long story and while I could say that another person caused me to lose it, that’s really not true.  If I lost it, I consciously did so…I gave it away.  Maybe I gave it away as part of being a people pleaser or trying to do what I thought someone else wanted.  But did that make the other person or me happy? No, no it didn’t.  Instead, no one is really happy and for me, I’m not being myself and that’s frustrating, and sad and a rip off.  So I’ve been conscious of this and been working on getting back to the place where I have that joy again.  Crap, it’s hard! It’s a choice, it’s about what I choose to do with my time, my energy and just as importantly, what I choose not to spend my time on…thinking about…worrying about.

Which leads me to the second thing rolling around in my head.  That whole idea about letting myself feel confident in me, in who God made me to be, it’s a big deal.  I’m starting to notice that when I have and project that confidence, others see it in me too.  And that’s good, but not what I’m after.  Instead, I’m just aware of it.  Aware of how easy it is to talk to random people, to make conversation, to learn more about people.  How easy it is to be open to what’s around me and take it in – to really appreciate what’s around me – and be able to decide if I want to keep in that space.  But I’m also very aware of not getting too caught up in it.  That would distract me as much as anything.  I want to hold all these thoughts loosely.

I’m realizing that the more I can just notice what I’m experiencing and if I like it, if it brings me joy, or if it’s a definite no go, the more I get my mojo.  That joy, the cmojo-backhildlike joy, of doing and being with and around what I love. That just peps me up, no other way to put it. Today I was also encouraged to think about the idea that you’re never really alone – you’re with yourself and to enjoy that person! Super interesting to think about.  So getting my mojo back is partly about reclaiming my passions.  But it’s also about finding other parts of me that I hadn’t paid attention to before and enjoying those.  I think there’s a big “watch out world” in me getting ready to be unleashed.  It’s gonna be awesome!

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Sporty goals

The funny thing about being an athlete…ok…side trip for a minute…I feel funny even callingOn the bike myself an athlete.  When I think about an athlete, I think of these studly men and women who are out their killing it, performing at crazy levels.  But really, think about the
population.  Comparing myself to other people who I see as athletes isn’t really a fair comparison.  I love my sports.  I love swimming, I love walking/running, I love my bike.  I devote a good chunk of time to those sports.  I study how to improve, I talk to people I can learn more from – who can help me get better, I talk to other people about it – I hope I can encourage other people to find a sport they love as much as I love mine.  I think part of accepting myself, of being the person God called me to be is to accept these different parts of me, and I think part of me is an athlete.  Still feel funny saying that, but I’m going to own it, at least work on owning it.

 

Ok, side trip over back to the funny thing.  Sort of relates to my side trip.  Being an athlete is different things to different people. For me, could be walking a marathon but for someone else, it could be a 5k or around the block. It’s all a matter of perspective. Yesterday I listened to a Skirt Sports podcast, Run this World, hosted by Nicole DeBoom – founder. She was talking with Erin Carson, owner of RallySport and pro-triathlete.  There were a few things she said that really got me thinking about this idea.  First, she talked about racing as a triathlete and how at the end of each leg of the triathlon she tells herself “I did the best I can.”  It resonated for me because it’s such a healthy approach to competing.  Last year when I started walking half marathons – I actually polled my friends on Facebook to see if it would be lame to walk these racings.  Resounding no.  I tried to shift my thought process to “completing” vs. “competing.” Perspective. I will admit it helped.  Isn’t what any of us want, whether at play, at work, in relationships, is to do the best we can?  I’m certainly not showing up to a race thinking “how can I suck at this today?”  Completing/competing at any level is largely a mental game.  Yeah there is the physical conditioning part – don’t get me wrong, that’s a big part of it – but the mental part is a big ta-do.  Being filled with doubt does not make an event easier. When I start any open water event, I have the 5 minute panic attack.  Why did I sign up? Why did I spend $100+ to do this? Can I really do this? But then, I settle in and remember that I’ll be ok and it’s my race, no one else’s.  I do the best I can just like anyone else does.

 

I also liked a side comment Erin made at the end which was that it’s ok to set crazy ambitious goals.  I do that all the time.  I’m wired for it.  But in reality, even though the goals seem crazy, I’m not sure I set out to do anything that I don’t actually think I can do.  When I signed up to walk a marathon last year my Dad said, “Do you really think you can’t walk 26 miles?”  My answer was that I could, but I wanted to prove it to myself.  I think that’s part of the crazy goal is proving to myself I can.  Maybe this year – and especially for my Year 49 Bucket List currently in the making – I’ll look at goals that are likely achievable, but that are a stretch.  Things that will stretch my experience – bigger goals, bigger dreams.  Part of this for me is making sure that I’m not stuck on the “should” stuff.  I should do this or that.  Though I cave to that fairly regularly, my goal this year is to put an end to it, which for me in and of itself is a crazy goal.  That goes back to what I wrote about a few weeks ago though.

 

For today though I want to dream big, do the best I can, and think about those crazy goals.  I’d say that’s enough for one day.

#realwomenmove #skirtsports

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Get out of my way!

I know what I want

Yeah, I said it, get out of my way.  But the person who needs to get out of my way is ME.  I get in my own way all the time when it comes to doing things for myself – things that bring me joy and make me happy.  I procrastinate…my closet is never more organized than when I have something “frivolous” for myself to do. I blame my “responsibilities.”  Soooo much to do, floors, kitchens, bathrooms to clean, laundry, bills to pay, food to buy.  Especially when what I want to do is actually fun – I have a hard time putting it over my responsibilities.  I expect the worst…so I spend a bunch of time in risk avoidance mode, contingency planning, second guessing myself – trying to prevent being disappointed, or hurt.  So how’s that working for me?  Gotta tell you…not so great. I feel boring and serious way to often!

I’m good and setting crazy goals and hitting the mark, especially in my sports.  Why is it so hard for me to set plans for myself?  I get in my way, that’s why.  I end up feeling like it’s silly to go away for the weekend, to take myself out, to get a massage…stuff that is all good for me, that would really make me happy and bring me joy.  Now, I’m not 100% dull, I do get out, I do have friends, but man ‘o man, I’m a chicken when it comes to doing things to take care of me, to be loving to myself.

So I need to get out of my way.  The same way that I set goals for my sports – and I have big ones this year, I need to set goals to take care of me.  To spoil me ‘cause no one else is doing it!  What should be at the top of my list?  A massage after my next half marathon next month? A weekend away to refresh myself after a particularly challenging day I have coming up? A drive to the coast for the day – swim in the Bay? All I think, and more.  I want to dream bigger – indulge myself in other things besides shoes (though I bought a super cute pair of sandals just a little bit ago! I do love shoes).  So move over Lisa, there’s fun ahead.

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Oh the things we say

What if you really said all the things that were really in your head?  I had a conversation with a friend about this today.  Sometimes, I play out entire conversations in my head.  I’m witty, funny, brave, strong, forceful, all things I wish I would really be in conversations.  Other days though, I’m maybe a little catty, snarky, mean, but these are things I would never say in a conversation.  Why? Well a) I HATE conflict – I’m sorry is there not a stronger way to say that? Hate, hate, hate… turns my stomach…avoid it in my personal life a LOT; b) Reeeealy want to be seen as a nice person; c) it’s not kind or nice; and maybe more importantly, d)no good would come from it and I’d feel bad about it later. Ok, but these things I shouldn’t say are funny sometimes, but if there at someone else’s expense, I probably shouldn’t even be thinking it, much less saying out loud.

Do you ever have those days when you say something and have to follow up with “was that in my out loud voice?” for something that belonged in your head?  Yeah, that happens.  And sometimes because I process a lot out loud, I lose track and then the stream of consciousness continues when I didn’t mean it to, oh geezzzzz.

I know some people who think you should always say what’s on your mind, at the exact time you’re thinking or feeling it.  Even if it rains on your happy parade.  Even if it makes you cry.  Even when it’s rude, or bad timing, or just plain mean.  I don’t get that.  That’s either no filter, young and full of it, a lot of things.

I also think some of the things that pop up in our heads about ourselves we shouldn’t say out loud.  No, I’m not actually an idiot for forgetting to turn off my iron, or losing my keys, or the glasses on my face. No, I’m not lazy because I chose a 5k today not a half marathon. I’m not a failure because I didn’t clean my house this week.  It’s hard to feel good if I’m always mean to myself.  Yep, same that is true for others is true for how we are to ourselves.

Alright, gotta get to my so what.  Think about those thoughts that run through your head.  About others, about you.  Hold yourself in check.  Speak truth, speak up, but speak kindly, lovingly, particularly to yourself.  Be your greatest fan because you are the voice in your head – choose to listen to the good one!

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On Slowing Down

It occurs to me that I tend to set my sights high as far as what I expect from myself athletically.  Walking-wise, if I’m not doing a half marathon, or training for a half marathon, why bother.  What I’m coming to realize is doing that can lead to missing out on opportunities to connect with other women who still want to get out there, but for whom going long isn’t part of their plan.  So earlier this week when my co-worker/friend asked me to do the local Run for Mercy, I was wishy washy about it – yes, no, ok I’ll sign up.  Only a 5k, geez, what’s the point (in my head, not out loud).  I fought a cold all week so I had a good excuse but decided to ignore it.

Yesterday morning was beautiful as I rolled over to the event.  The Run for Mercy is a fundraising event that benefits Mercy Multiplied, a nonprofit Christian organization dedicated to helping young women break free from life-controlling behaviors and situations.  It was inspiring to hear testimony from young women whose lives had changed because of the residential or outreach assistance from Mercy.  I saw a friend I’d been thinking about just last week and hadn’t seen in a while…things were looking up.

As we started the walk I realized it was going to be a time of connecting, not training.  While at first the driver in me tried to get my friends to walk a little faster, I settled in to their pace.  The thing that I was reminded of is that although I basically do “couch to half marathon”…but don’t always do the hard core training part…and don’t really think about the difficulty of the event…everyone has different.  That’s a good thing and great gut check for me.  I got to talk with my friends and as we walked through the beautiful park I also got to talk with a girl who told me she was 30 days sober.  WOW – that is an accomplishment.  To have the courage to change your life, to rely on God and then get out and walk a 5k…it gave me chill bumps.  She walked in with us and I saw her on the way out, thankful to have finished the race.

What’s my “so what” about all this?  For me, the so what is the reminder that I need to slow down at times or I’m going to miss the connections God puts in front of me.  I can get so focused on driving for the big goals in life that I ignore the beautiful rest stops along the way.  And if I want to be an encourager of others, I have to go at their pace, whether it be athletically or through other connection points. The same is true with my own life – that idea of slowing down and listening, experiencing, just being – I don’t take time to do that and I need to.

Turns out I did achieve a goal yesterday, it just looked different than I thought it would, but that’s how God works sometimes, it’s a good thing.

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I earned this one…

Integrity, doing what I say I’m going to do, is a BIG deal to me.  I’m quite sure I hold myself to a much stricter standard than anyone else would expect.  So when I said I was going to do the Shamrock half marathon today, I was in.  But then it rained, a lot, for days leading up to today.  Doubt didn’t just creep in, it full on body slammed me.  Had I trained enough (no, not really), was I healthy enough (hmmm…debatable…had walking pneumonia about 6 weeks ago), who did I really have to prove anything to? No one was the answer to that last one, except to me.  I said I was going to do it, I laid out the cash, and didn’t really want to give myself permission to flake.  Yesterday, I’d gotten myself psyched, it wouldn’t rain much I figured, it was only a few hours of my life (I walk these, not run, so it takes a little longer), game on.

Then I woke up this morning to pouring rain and wind.  Waffling set in, big time.  My friend messaged me with encouragement and said she’d see me there.  I not so secretly had hoped she was texting to bail on the race, which I may have taken as a sign to roll over.  But no, an hour later I was headed downtown, thinking how it wouldn’t be that bad, the rain would stop, and I’d be with 3,000 of my friends out there running through Sacramento.  When I got into the venue, I ran into a few friends from work, and that always peps me up plus it gave me company while I waited.

When the race finally started, I was good.  Really, these things are great for people watching.  Because I walk, I’m usually with folks for whom it’s a BIG deal to run a half marathon.  I find that so encouraging.  They are all shapes, sizes and ages and they are gutting it out on a Sunday morning to get a finisher’s medal and a bag of chips – ok, there was beer at the end, I just didn’t have any, would’ve if I could’ve but beer is no friend of my tummy.  They are moms, dads, friends… and everyone is so encouraging of each other.  I love that about these races.  And there was rain, a good amount of it, and a lot of wind, but folks kept on going.  There were lots of people on the sidelines cheering for the friends and family and I’m pretty sure some of those signs were meant just for me.  Seeing the finish line was a spectacular feeling, I even ran the last hundred yards.  Funny thing was, it was the fastest race I’ve ever done and I definitely felt like I earned that finisher’s medal.  Rain and wind are great motivators to walk faster.

What holds true about a half marathon, or for any endurance type event I complete (not compete anymore, just complete), is that I persevere.  I run through a million excuses in my head, but I still do it, and quitting is never I choice I even consider.  It’s mental toughness training as much as anything.  Did it hurt? Yes, it hurt.  My stump killed me (I don’t have a left foot) for the last 5 miles, I prayed and breathed through that.  But really, a lot of things worth pursuing aren’t easy, there are ups and downs and then there’s the glorious finish line.  Or maybe there’s no finish line, just the joys and the lessons learned.  I truly believe each of us has the ability to get out there and push ourselves harder than we could have imagined.  Some do it in races, like mine today, but others do it by getting through life circumstances that seem insurmountable, and I’ve had those too.  I know God is with me through all of it and that gives me strength and encouragement.  And now I think I’ll go have a treat…I earned it after all.

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Go…ready…set

So a little over a year ago, I did an obstacle race with some girls at work, the Rocklin Ramble.  It was silly, and fun, and wet and I even ran a little.  So what, right?  Fun day, sunshine, girl time, yay Lisa.  But after, my mind, being what it is, thought the running wasn’t so bad.  Oh yeah, there was the fact that I’d run in the past with bad results.  I have a prosthetic leg and running about near killed my stump (there were tears folks, pain and frustration).  But I got it in my head that I walk pretty fast, so hey, maybe I could walk an event.  5k seemed like nothing, 10k, not much better…oh yeah, so I’ll just do a half marathon. I throw it out on Facebook, asking my running friends if I’ll be mocked for walking a half.  They assure me no, go for it.  Fast forward two weeks…no I did not stutter…and I’m at the start of the Avenue of the Vines Half Marathon in Lodi.  By then, I’d managed to lay out a good amount of money because, of course, you have to have all the right gear, and have to look cute…duh.  Gun goes off and so do I, running at first because I still worried about looking like a dork, but quickly settling into my fast walk.  I know its fast (or fast enough) because my new fancy Garmin multi-sport watch tells me so.  I manage to keep a decent pace all the way through and run into the finish because, again, the dork factor.  It was AWESOME!  Endurance events suck me in so I knew there’d be more, and there were, one a month the rest of 2015. But for that day, my achievement dial was way, way up.  AND, major bonus, my foot didn’t really hurt – ok maybe a little, but it passed.  Looking back, I’m reminded that some of my greatest joys come from not overthinking, from acting spontaneously and just going for it. If I planned for that race too much, got too much in my head, I probably wouldn’t have had as much fun. Definitely need to dial more not overthinking in, all part of that just start thing.