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What’s your story?

Inspire YouI think about a lot of stuff, which you know if you’ve read my blog at all.  It all flows out of my brain and lands here.  It’s sort of how I process stuff.  It’s like processing out loud and it’s a little therapeutic.  Today I’m thinking about my story, and what I want it to be 15 years from now.  Of course, it’s not one of those things where the answer has leapt out.  I wish it was that easy.

Here’s the low down as I see it so far.  Did all the planned stuff.  Grew up in the woods, great family, normal ups and downs like any other family.  We were the family that was always doing.  Winters, we were skiing.  Summers, we were horseback riding in the backcountry, sailing, boating.  Bottom line, lots of doing.  Not a lot of downtime.  And we had a great time. So when I had my kids, I felt like I should always be doing.  I wasn’t content to just sit around the house. It made me antsy, anxious, feeling like I was missing out.  But I stayed busy doing stuff, just stuff, nothing that really made me happy.  Ok, of course hanging with my kids was fun, but there was still more I felt I should be doing.

Then, somewhere in my late 30’s, I found I could ride a bike, a long way, and I was in love.  At first, 20 miles was a long way.  I thought I’d die.  But it got easier, and I kept going.  I discovered that I really like to ride a long way, seemed like my body was meant for it.  I had great friends and we had some crazy adventures!  Overnight bike trips, double centuries, competing, riding with fast guys…things I never would have thought I could do.  I meant so many kind, amazing, inspiring people.  People who accomplished much more than I ever could, who rode in with me on some of those rides that were tough, encouraging me along the way.  Cycling was my passion.

Then life threw me a few curve-balls.  So what else is new, right?  That’s what life does.  Ok, so now what.  Well, you adjust, that’s what.  I slowed down. I hated it, but I slowed down.  But I got used to it and as much as I still had passion for cycling, not spending all day on my bike wasn’t a bad thing.  Except, I missed my bike. I missed getting out in nature, in God’s creation. Getting out and exploring, pushing my body, seeing what I can do.

So I started swimming, and I can’t run, but started walking, fast.  And if endurance was good for cycling, I’d better do that for swimming and walking.  So into the Bay, onto Half-Marathons, Marathons (or, marathon, one…but I’m not done).  I don’t know what it is, but I really like endurance events.  I love the camaraderie, I love pushing my body, and I love the adventure.

I think today this is spilling out my head because it has to do with my story.  At least my story so far.  And I don’t know that it matters, but here’s what I think.  I think that anyone could do what I’ve done and all that I still have on the list to do.  I honestly do.  I think too often we self-impose limits on ourselves.  We listen to what other people say, or what we say in our own heads, about what we can’t do rather than what we can do.  This is where I am thankful.  I had my foot amputated when I was 4, and my story could have been much different.  But my parents never treated me like I was any different than every other little girl.  So all that “doing?” I was doing, I didn’t have a hall pass, I didn’t get out of PE, I did everything everyone else did.  And what a difference that made, it set me out on the right course.  So it never occurs to me that I can’t do something.

That’s the same challenge I’d put out for anyone else.  The only thing limiting you or anyone else is that voice in your head – or maybe it’s someone’s voice – but you can ignore it, that’s ok.  And I think I want that to part of my story. I want to find ways I can help shape someone else’s story.  Help some other woman believe in themselves and believe that those big dreams they have don’t have to be dreams, they can really happen.

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Do you ever need a vacation from life?

Am I the only one or do you sometimes feel like you need a vacation from your life? I’ve felt like that before, probably more often than I’d like to admit. The idea of just getting Vacation from Lifeaway from all the stress, the responsibilities and the worries of my life.  I tend to feel like I’m busy all the time, like there’s always something pressing on me.  Is that just me or is that just what life is about in today’s day and age?  I’m not going for it.  Although my kids are older, I see it in kids’ lives these days.  There’s soccer, baseball, dance, gymnastics, and oh yeah, school, homework, and tests.  What about just playing?  What about just playing for adults?  That’s what I want more of.  That feeling of being so relaxed and enjoying what I’m doing that it feels like play.

I saw a quote today, “Don’t create a life that you need a vacation from.”  I felt like it hit me over the head with in an aha moment.  From where I sit, that’s not the kind of life I want, although I wonder if, to a large degree, it is the life I’ve created. But lately I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.  I figure I’m probably more than halfway through my life.  Definitely more than halfway through my working life.  I’ve been doing the same work since I got out of college, and I like it, I feel I’m good at it, and I love the company I work for, but I still wonder if this is how God wants me to ride it out.  Something in my gut tells me it’s not, although I don’t know what else is in store.

I do know a few things.  I want to play more.  I want to make choices in life that are intentional and don’t pile on stress. I want to be better at saying yes to the right things and no to the wrong things. I’ve already pledged to more adventures, so yes, more of those. I want to travel and explore.  And along the way, I think God might show me a few other things.  What I do know is that life should be worth sticking around for, vacations are just a bonus.

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Being Brave Today

Lisa Forresthill Bridge.JPGSo yesterday, I cooked up plans with my friend to go hiking today.  Connecting with a group of gals from her gym and going to Lake Clementine for an early Sunday hike.  Sounded awesome, especially since I have wanted to start hiking more.  Since I love walking half marathons, hiking seems like a natural extension of it.  Plan was set, all good.  And then last night the “in my head” talk happened.  Here’s how it goes for me.  I make the plan, woohoo! and then start second guessing.  I think about how it would be nice to have a low key morning, get a few things done – or not, but just be mellow.  Ok, truth be told, it was about staying in my comfort zone, my routine.  I even thought about my recent “take it easy” recommendation from the doctor, he lifted it last week but, well, maybe.  In the end, I told myself to stay strong, be brave with myself, step out of my comfort zone and do it.

So I did.  And it was awesome!  I met some great women, hiking beautiful land, enjoying God’s creation, felt GREAT!  Made me think about why I do that, why I wimp out sometimes – falling back to my routine, my safe zone.  I know that the safe zone doesn’t lead to the big stuff – the big fun, the big joy, the life God has for me.  So why do I stay in the safe zone so often? Fear? Maybe. But fear of what is the question.  I don’t really know what.  Because the thing is, when I do step out of the zone, it’s always good.  I never regret it.  I’m always happy for the new experience.  I don’t have this mental struggle with my day to day life.  Getting up at 4 a.m. to exercise? No problem. Swimming an hour and half? Check.  Walking my half marathons or cycling 100 miles? All good.  I might question my sanity, but I do it. But new experiences?  Let me think about it, think about how to get out of it, re-convince myself to do it, but still question.

I’m tired of thinking so hard, figuring out ways to stay in my zone. It comes back to choices and I want to have fewer of them.  It means making a decision and sticking to it. Less choices when I don’t second guess myself, my plans, re-thinking, making a new plan.  When I move forward with my original decision, less choices, so much easier!  Motivation is not the problem, it’s a little fear, and little being “stuck,” and that’s not a space I want to live in. Somehow, I don’t think I’m alone in this. If it’s you, you have your reasons, they may be like mine, or they could be different. The reasons keep us safe, but we miss out on so much.  So I ask you the same thing I ask myself, are you ready to be brave?

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Slowing Down

I recently had minor surgery and the doctor said that afterwards I needed to take it easy.  Take it easySeems simple enough, but no.  I immediately had questions.  “So when you say take it easy, what does that mean?” He says I can take short walks but otherwise spend time resting.  So again, I have to ask, “short walks, does that mean a few miles?” Because to me, that seems like a short walk.  Apparently not.  More like around the block or less.  And are you sure I can’t swim? That’s seems like taking it easy.  No.  Not, just a little bit, just straight up no.  It’s going to be a long six weeks…

As an athlete (of sorts) I push myself – I push to test the limits of my own body as much as anything else.  So when I have to take it easy – it messes with my mojo, and in more ways than just physically.  Take it easy also means that I don’t need to get up at 4 a.m. which is what I normally do to swim or bike or walk before work.  It means I don’t get my daily dose of endorphins. It means my routine is completely thrown off, and I thrive in routine – I cannot emphasize that enough, thrive – especially when things around me are uncertain or changing.  Keeping my routine keeps me grounded. Likely I’m not alone in that.  But what I notice is that it throws me off kilter in a big way.

When I’m off kilter, off center, in this case because of the shake up to my routine (oh, and that surgery thing, that didn’t particularly make me feel fantastic), I’m more susceptible to triggers.  Things that I normally would just roll through can cause me to fall apart.  That happened this week.  But in the midst of it, really in the midst of feeling like I was having a melt down (admit it – we’ve all had melt downs), I came to a better place.  I took a few chances.  Normally I am not someone who would ever admit, much less talk about, feeling like I’m less than 100%.  It’s scary, and I have to be vulnerable – not my favorite. But I did this week, I talked to someone I really trust.  Someone who I know has my best interest at heart and whose advice I know is the truth. It’s like she held up a mirror for me.  Showing me all thing things that are going on right now– that take it easy stuff – and how that impacted me.

 

And she’s right.  Here’s what I’m learning through this experience. It’s ok to take it easy.  The world is not ending.  Yes, I’ll lose fitness, yes, my routine is wonky, but it’s ok. It reminds me of when I was cycling a lot and could hold my own.  When faced with a situation where I had to slow down on the bike, it was hard, and I mean really hard. Going my own pace was so much easier.  But the joy in slowing down, in being a buddy to someone else on the bike, was that I got to know them better.  I think maybe that’s the opportunity we have when we slow down.  You get to know other parts of yourself. The parts you just skate by in the midst of busy, in the midst of routine.  Slowing down gives space to be still, to see what comes up.  In truth, it’s somewhat of a gift for those of us who push, who thrive in the known.  It gives a chance to be still.  So for me, with four more weeks to go – I’m going to settle in – I’m going to enjoy the still – I’m going to see what God brings up – and I’m going to embrace it.

 

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Say Goodbye

BocelliAdmittedly, I am a fan of dramatic songs.  Those that have big finishes, think Whitney, Celine, Bocelli…and I loved “Time to Say Goodbye,” no matter who sang it, Celine, Celine with Bocelli, Bocelli alone, Bocelli with Sarah Brightman.  At one point I had all those versions in my iTunes, not kidding.  But that title also captures something that I’ve been thinking about, saying goodbye.

It’s not as simple as it would seem, I’ve realized.  So, I have willpower.  I can “say goodbye” to some things pretty easily, like chocolate, except with chocolate, we end up saying hello again pretty often too.  There are a couple ways to say goodbye, I think.  With a habit, for example, you say goodbye to it by simply stopping.  There may be transition, but eventually you make the shift and you’ve removed it from your normal routine.  People though are a little trickier.  On the one hand, you physically say goodbye to someone.  You may or may not be sad to say goodbye but it’s a physical act.  You might hug, you might cry, you might say see you later, or you might say good riddance. It really depends on what kind of relationship you have and the reasons behind saying goodbye.  It could be temporary, or it could be forever.

After you physically say goodbye to someone, you may not see them anymore, but you might continue to have thoughts about them.  The thoughts could be warm and fuzzy, they could be angry, or they could be distracting.  When we think back on someone we’ve said goodbye to, I think it’s not uncommon for our minds to swirl a bit.  The positive things become more positive and the negatives get worse.  But what happens in our head isn’t actually reality, it’s just our thoughts and feelings about reality.  Yes, you may have had a good or negative experience with someone.  You may have loved them, they may have loved you or you may have been hurt by them. But when our minds swirl (ok, when my mind swirls) those positives or negatives become larger than life.  The thoughts can be consuming, distracting, and they can case you (again…me) to get stuck.  It’s the quicksand.

What I’ve figured out in all my ponderings, and yes, there are a lot of ponderings…is that I have to mentally say goodbye.  I have to say goodbye to a person or situation in my head.  I can acknowledge all that it’s been to me, but I have to say goodbye.  It’s a lot harder to do that sometimes that to physically say goodbye.  I can’t just drive away from my thoughts.  I have to make choices (geez, lots of those lately). Saying goodbye in my mind is letting go of that person that has occupied so much of my thought life.  Saying goodbye makes room for other things that belong in my life.  Saying goodbye also keeps me from creating a different version of reality than what may have actually happened.  From creating a more negative or positive version.  It puts to rest what actually was, calls it done.  Frees me from the swirl, from the quicksand.

So with this kind of goodbye, there is no dramatic finish, no crescendo, no flair.  Really only I know about it, and that’s ok.  It’s goodbye but it’s also hello to everything that could be.

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Quicksand

QuicksandAs I go through this journey of life, there are certainly peaks and valleys.  I’m no different than anyone else in that regard. But what I’ve noticed lately is that there’s also quicksand, seriously.  Here’s how it goes.  I’ll be going along just fine, feeling like I’m getting mentally strong, focusing on all the right things.  Being positive, happy and then BAM, I’m sliding headfirst into a downward spiral of guilt, shame, blame, doubt and sadness.  What the???  Seriously, how did that happen?  My conclusion, quicksand.

At first it starts with one little, innocent, thought.   Maybe thinking about how I could have done something differently – ya know, for the sake of learning more about myself, making better future decisions.  That’s certainly ok, healthy even. And that little bit of sand on my toes, eh, just brush it off. Next I’m thinking, well if I could have done that, maybe the situation would have taken a different path, hmmm…maybe I messed that part up.  Sandier… Oh geez, maybe I wasn’t giving my best there, maybe I contributed more to the problem than I thought…I failed. Now I’m getting stuck. I can still get out of the quicksand, but it’s slippery.  Next thing I know…my mind has hit the banana peel, and I’m sliding into the quicksand, not only did I fail, I’m too much work, or I’m not enough, or I’m questioning my worth, looking for how I can fix the unfixable situation. Stuck, that’s what I am, crap, and very, very sandy.

Sometimes the slide into the quicksand is slow, sneaks up on me until I’m submerged.  Other times, it’s like a snow snake.  What’s a snow snake? I learned to ski when I was about 4 years old and remember my Dad talking about snow snakes.  It’s the snow snake that will all of a sudden jump out and grab your ski so you fall unexpectedly. You’re going along, minding your own business and WHAM, snow snake, you’re down…you’re face first on the snow, you’re at the bottom of the quicksand and not even sure how you got there.

The thing is, I’m learning that I have a choice. It’s like I test my luck with the quicksand, think I’m strong than it.  It’s ok to let my mind wander to the danger zone in thought land I think, but the problem is it doesn’t stop there. In my case, it’s a specific situation that keeps coming to mind that pulls me down.  I know it’s not the situation’s fault, I allow my mind to go there. To replay, to recreate, to fix, to mend.  But I also know that replaying and recreating doesn’t change anything and I can’t fix or mend it.  I want to, but I can’t, man I really want to, I even want to write that I can’t – right now – but even that’s not true.  All I can fix is me, no one else. So what I have to do is change my thoughts about it, look at it like drifting sand.  It may brush up against me but let it go by.  Letting myself become engulfed by the sand storm, the quicksand, is really a choice.  I can choose to let it pass and not fall into it because it doesn’t do any good, all it does is get me stuck.  What I can do is make choices about going forward.  Focus on where I’m heading, focus on being the best version of me that I can be.  Easier said than done, but getting stuck rips me off of the life God has for me.  That’s the ultimate goal.  So today, even though I’m faced with lingering thoughts that could pull me into the sand, I’ll let them pass. It’s my choice, and I may have to make it over and over but eventually, I won’t have to anymore.

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Maybe I am a Cat

I am a catI work a lot with behavior tools at work. I’m sure you’ve used one along the way; DISC; Meyers-Briggs; Predictive Index; The Big Five; The Harry Potter Personality Test (seriously, this is one); The Five Minute Personality Test where you’re labeled a Golden Retriever, an Otter, a Seal or a Lion, the list goes on and on. All this had me thinking, how would I describe myself, from an animal perspective, in relationships?

What if I just looked at it from a high level, I mean, fun level.  Here’s what I decided.  I am a cat.  Let me clarify for a minute, I am not particularly a cat person.  I am cat neutral.  I have not adopted 10 cats to be my surrogate children, no, I am not a cat lady.  But, if I think about how I would see myself in a relationship, a cat might be it.  Here’s the dialogue that would go on in my cat brain, “Oh, hi, hey, yeah, I do want to see you, yep, I’ll nuzzle up against you, oh, you want me to get closer, uhhh, no.  See ya.  Ok wait, I’ll come back, did you mention food? Milk? Fish? That’ll get me getting closer, maybe rubbing on your leg.  Mmmmm…that food was good, I’m out. Hi, yeah, I’m back, don’t ignore me, I’m right here, I’m loving you, adoring you, ok, you win, it’s cold and your feet are warm, I’m staying right here.”

So maybe that’s not 100% me, but kinda, and I don’t know how I feel about it.  What if you were a cat and married a dog.  They’d be all in your face, needing a lot of attention, wanting to play all the time, the cat in you would first swat them in the face and then back away, finding your own space again.  Eventually though, you would start to get used to the dog, it would amuse you and you’d become its friend.  You’d cuddle with it, maybe, and your styles would eventually mesh. The thing is, I think most relationships are a combination of cats and dogs, or other types.  They do eventually mesh.  But if you have one person who insists it’s all dog all the time, or all cat all the time, chances are you’ll end up with problems.

In order for any relationship, whether it be friends or in marriage, to work, they’re needs to be an understanding that some of us are cats and some are dogs.  If someone were to try and get rid of the cat in me, I’d probably dash away, and visa versa if I tried to get rid of the dog, they’d sulk away.  Seems pretty simple but I think we forget sometime. So whether you actually take one of the fancy personality tests or not, the key understanding for any of us is that we’re different. What I’ve learned is that you shouldn’t have to change yourself to be with someone and that’s not always easy.  People pleasers like me want to be liked, but I know that doesn’t make me happy.  So, if I’m a cat, I’m going to stay a cat, embrace the cat, and know that the cat has just as much to bring to the party as anyone else. I encourage anyone else to do the same.

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Stronger Together

Stronger WomebnI have the luxury of spending the weekend with girlfriends from high school – a very rare thing for me. We came together to do the Disney Tinker Bell Half Marathon – and this is where my major disclaimer comes in – I am not against Disney, but I am Universal Studios loyal.  But to hang with my friends, down I drove yesterday to Anaheim.  How people drive in the LA traffic I have no idea.  It took me over 9 hours and became increasingly painful through LA, barely moving.  Once I got here, all that was forgotten and we fell into the same easy conversation as the last time we were together.  Plus we have the bonus of my friend’s sisters and college room-mate being here too.

But this isn’t about that, per se.  I have a lot of friends around my age, which is slowly creeping up on 50.  What I’ve decided is that there is so much…and I can’t emphasize that enough, SO much… that as women, we are not told about what it’s like as we get older.  I look at my friends, my girlfriends at home, at we look great.  We’re in shape, active, healthy, all good stuff.  But the tricks our bodies play are insane.

Is it 150 degrees in this room? No, hot flash.  Did I sleep in a waterbed that exploded? No, night sweats.  How did that black whisker get on my chin? Where did my energy go? And don’t get me started on the female junk.  Why did I put the eggs away in the cabinet with the cooking spray?  Why do I cry all the time?  Having kids was great but leaves a mark on the body, just saying, especially at this age. Seriously, there is some hardwiring that goes sideways.  The funny thing to me is that most women go through it,  to some degree, but we don’t talk about it that often.  When we do, we always talk about how it seems to be some big secret that the women who came before us pledged to keep.

It makes me wonder why we don’t talk about it, for camaraderie and to normalize it.  I know that a lot of women, ok, me, believes that you have to be strong, have to persevere despite what’s thrown at me.  I don’t think I’m alone in that.  Women in general know tend to hold it together pretty well.  So I suppose it stands to reason that many don’t talk about what they’re going through except in close circles. I’m not suggesting that we embark on a free-for-all of over sharing, but wouldn’t it be interesting if it more common for women to come alongside each other to share and for support? Not to brave it out alone?  I can’t tell you how much better I feel when I realize I’m not alone, that others go through what I do.  And it doesn’t make us weak that we go through physical or other struggles, I think it probably makes us stronger to talk about it so that we can process and move forward.

What I’m learning is that women need women.  I think for me I’m realizing that more and more as I get older.  It’s a support system that I never realized would be so helpful and it was there when I needed it.  I think we need it.  So today, as I sit lounging by the pool at the VRBO house we’re staying at (super cute – despite the Disney theme), I am thankful.  Thankful that I have my friends, thankful for these friends and this weekend to enjoy our time just being and relaxing.  We may not be thankful for the tricks our bodies play on us, but we know each other, we can be real with each other – I think we all need people who we support and who support us.  Our lives are better for it.

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Teeter Totter

Oscillating

Ever play on the teeter totter as a child?  When you have someone on the other side that you trust, it’s awesome, easy flow, back and forth, up and down.  If you have the unlucky draw of someone who doesn’t like you, prepare for the sudden jerks up and down. Or if you got your parent, you could convince them to do all the work.  And when you look at it before climbing on, on good days, it’s got that perfect balance where both sides are even above the ground.

Sometimes it seems like life is a teeter totter. Ride it alone, you’re doing all the work.  You can propel yourself up, but you do have to keep doing the work to stay up.   So that can wear you out if you haven’t practiced, and you end up resting on the ground, hoping you didn’t fall too hard.  You can also have ups and downs when someone else is on it with you – there’s no controlling that. But in the end, if you work at it, you can end up back in the neutral space, and I think that’s a choice.  You don’t have to sit with your butt on the ground, you can do some work and get up.

I’ve thought about this over the last couple days.  I had a helpful suggestion given to me that was soooo well-meaning and kind.  I was so thankful for the friend who passed it along.  But there were other components that factored into it that I didn’t talk about, and those things got me feeling like I was on that teeter totter and kept dropping to the ground, of my own doing.  My mind started down the well-known path of doubt and questioning and second guessing.  Now, just the other day, I had vowed to not let myself go there anymore, but found there I was, awake for hours in the middle of the night, with my mind spinning.

But today, I got to a different place.  A healthy place.  I reminded myself that I didn’t have to make any decisions today, and that got me a little off the ground.  Then I decided to stick with not looking backwards because, a) I’d committed to it, b) it wasn’t going to answer or solve anything, and c) it keeps me stuck…ok, up a little more.  I also realized that I had no reason to feel shame or guilt with whatever I decided and that got me pretty close to that neutral space.  When I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and thought, “you are worthy of being happy,” I was on that upswing.  And that’s really the key issue.  I am worthy of being happy, and that doesn’t come from anyone else, it comes from within me and the choices I make.  I’m pushing the teeter totter.

So now I have the suggestion from my friend, and that’s it.  I can just live with it and leave it with God.  I’m open but know that I’ve got some work to do before I could act on it.  God and I have work to do and that’s ok, and I don’t know how long it will take.  But what I do know is that that ride on the teeter totter is back to normal and I got there pretty quickly.  That made it a YAY ME, “I got it!” kind of day.

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Oh the things we say

What if you really said all the things that were really in your head?  I had a conversation with a friend about this today.  Sometimes, I play out entire conversations in my head.  I’m witty, funny, brave, strong, forceful, all things I wish I would really be in conversations.  Other days though, I’m maybe a little catty, snarky, mean, but these are things I would never say in a conversation.  Why? Well a) I HATE conflict – I’m sorry is there not a stronger way to say that? Hate, hate, hate… turns my stomach…avoid it in my personal life a LOT; b) Reeeealy want to be seen as a nice person; c) it’s not kind or nice; and maybe more importantly, d)no good would come from it and I’d feel bad about it later. Ok, but these things I shouldn’t say are funny sometimes, but if there at someone else’s expense, I probably shouldn’t even be thinking it, much less saying out loud.

Do you ever have those days when you say something and have to follow up with “was that in my out loud voice?” for something that belonged in your head?  Yeah, that happens.  And sometimes because I process a lot out loud, I lose track and then the stream of consciousness continues when I didn’t mean it to, oh geezzzzz.

I know some people who think you should always say what’s on your mind, at the exact time you’re thinking or feeling it.  Even if it rains on your happy parade.  Even if it makes you cry.  Even when it’s rude, or bad timing, or just plain mean.  I don’t get that.  That’s either no filter, young and full of it, a lot of things.

I also think some of the things that pop up in our heads about ourselves we shouldn’t say out loud.  No, I’m not actually an idiot for forgetting to turn off my iron, or losing my keys, or the glasses on my face. No, I’m not lazy because I chose a 5k today not a half marathon. I’m not a failure because I didn’t clean my house this week.  It’s hard to feel good if I’m always mean to myself.  Yep, same that is true for others is true for how we are to ourselves.

Alright, gotta get to my so what.  Think about those thoughts that run through your head.  About others, about you.  Hold yourself in check.  Speak truth, speak up, but speak kindly, lovingly, particularly to yourself.  Be your greatest fan because you are the voice in your head – choose to listen to the good one!