Tag: women’s coaching

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Celebrating the 4th AND…we’ve got work to do

My maternal grandfather was born on the Fourth of July. I remember celebrating his birthday along with the U.S. of A. Cake added to the festivities otherwise consisting of standard barbeque fare and likely a scrumptious pie baked by my grandmother. He’s been gone more than 30 years now, unexpectedly gone far too soon, but the 4th of July brings him to the forefront of my mind. This year, I’m also thinking about our country, and find myself pondering our annual celebration. Admittedly, pondering what we celebrate but also feeling a pull to consider how far we must go as a country. We became free from British rule long ago but have constructed our own formal and informal systems of ‘rule.’ Celebration creates conflicting feelings within me because those ‘rules’ restrict true freedom for all. And we can’t ignore it. Collectively, we’ve got work to do.

As children, we take in the rules we’re given

‘Back in the day’ (which characterizes anything from my youth in my kids’ opinion) we embraced the Fourth of July. Celebrating with gusto our freedom from British rule. Never did I question those celebrations, and even today, view them benignly. Because the celebration was solely about our freedom as a nation. Children follow along with our parents’ traditions.

As children, we view through a narrow lens. Primarily for our own safety. We don’t have the mental capacity to navigate the complexities of life. Thank goodness. Honestly, I’m a proponent of letting children be children. Kids have their own work to do learning how to walk, talk, ride a bike, eat popsicles without getting an ice cream headache…normal kid stuff. We’re also learning how to navigate our family structure. For the first 18ish years of our lives, we blindly accept what our parents tell us as truth, because it is. It’s their truth. Intended to keep us safe and indoctrinate us into the ‘ways of the world’ in the manner that worked for them.

And then…there’s college

Fast forward to college, aka, the stage in which we know more than anyone else. Especially our parents. We meet people from different corners of the country who introduce us to new perspectives. Ones we’ve haven’t considered. Many of which seem valid and true to us. And so, emboldened with our newfound independence (whether you’re in college or simply 18 and ‘launching’), we try on ideas of our own. Ideas which often conflict with those we were raised to believe.

With gusto we espouse newly formed beliefs without fully thinking them through, because…our brains are not yet fully functional. Until we’re 25 or so, we operate from the Amygdala, which is the emotional part of the brain. In the years that follow, our prefrontal lobe is fully formed and we’re able to exhibit better judgement and comprehend the long-term consequences of our actions. Oh, the grief that would have saved me…

Coming into our own

Armed with our ideals from college, we progress through adulthood. At some point, coming into ideas and beliefs of our own. If I’m brutally honest with myself, I continued to follow the ideas prescribed by my parents well into my early adult life. Because they were safe. I’m also a recovering people pleaser and branching out with ideas of my own, with the possibility of running afoul of those I trusted was too unsettling to attempt.

Granted, the purely stupid things I did in my early 20’s, which I won’t bore you with, diminished. Thank the good lord in heaven. But I followed the pack until the crashing waves of midlife descended upon me.

Opening our eyes to the world around us

I’m a bit jealous of those whose awakening began earlier. And by awakening, I’m not talking about running around naked in the rain and chanting. Unless that’s your thing. I attend a good number of meditative/soul connection/ women’s events that are, maybe, slightly, woo-woo. Bring on the woo. A friend of mine asked me upon returning if I was naked. Apparently, woo = naked. It’s become our thing and I do not mind it one bit. Curiosity marks this phase in life resulting in what sometimes feels like endless personal work. Worth it.

The result? Sorting through the ideas I’ve believed as true to determine which are true for me. The other result? LOTS of reading and personal growth. Curiosity has also led me down a path to understanding that which I wish I’d learned in school. The actions taken by our forefathers that may have led to freedom from foreign rule but created systems of oppression within our borders. For people of color, women, LGBTQIA+ rights…for those different than those leading the country. It may be 220 years later, but those systems are not extinct. We’ve got work to do.

Impact your world

I often feel my voice doesn’t make an impact. And you might feel similarly. But here’s what I know.

We can impact our world. Those within our sphere of influence. The people who we interact with. Not by smashing them over the head with fear tactics or a barrage of accusations. Personally, that would land me smack in the middle of an anxiety attack.

Nope, by sharing the truth. Sharing a different perspective. Sharing impact. Drawing closer. Because up close? It’s hard to hate people. We follow the systems and rules that keep us safe, those we learned as children, and that makes it hard to change our minds. It can feel like turning our back on family and those we’ve trusted. But it doesn’t have to be. It’s a matter of knowing that they we’re ‘wrong,’ they were a product of their system. We can make other choices, influence those around us. Create new systems that pave the path for true independence. We’ve got work to do, but I believe in us. Be brave my fellow journey-people. The road is long but we’re on it together.

Happy Birthday Grandpa.

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If you don’t like it, do something about it

I’m a student of human behavior, of other people’s, of my own, and of other people’s in relation to my own. It remains endlessly fascinating to learn the why behind behavior because, there’s always a why. Although we can examine factors that may lead to outward demonstrations of behavior, I often wonder, particularly with bad behavior, what tips the scale towards acting out. Towards aggression, rage, controlling behaviors…what switch gets flipped? Assuredly, countless books have been written on the subject, providing, in elaborate detail, the reasons why. Which is helpful. But what they’re not is a healing salve to the person whose been on the other end of the behavior. Those books? Harder to find. But what if we could do something about it?

Emotions get stuck

I found myself becoming irritated, ok, maybe pissed, last week about the lack of actionable steps to heal from bad behavior. There was a season in my life when a relationship was especially difficult and while I can diagnose the reasons why, that’s only helpful to a degree. I could study and understand the behavior all day long. But understanding doesn’t erase the impact on my body. Words and tension having an impact on me as though the behavior was physical.

I was probably described as an emotional child, fairly. And that continued into adulthood. Over the last 15+ years, a noticeable shift happened within me though. Emotions, both mine and other people’s…I felt them in my body. Primarily my gut. Harsh words may have well been a kick in the gut and negative emotions around me became imbedded within. I’ve learned that’s a characteristic of an Empath. You experience emotions and energy in your body. In Dodging Energy Vampires, Dr. Christiane Northrup details techniques to prevent those emotions from lodging in our bodies, because they do. I was late to the party in reading, and wish I’d had the tools earlier. To prevent the words and emotions from impacting my body, from taking up residence.

Why isn’t more written about how to heal our bodies?

Why is so much written about the signs of bad behavior and how to protect or extract yourself, but it’s harder to find truly helpful articles and books to heal from the residue it leaves within your body and mind. How to heal the impact of trauma, whether big T or little t trauma, left behind, the emotional and physical hangover from the experience. We talk about talking through it and therapy is helpful, but how do we heal our bodies? Heal the emotions stuck within us?

To be clear, excellent resources can be found, The Body Keeps the Score, Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma, Bessel van der Kolk,  Waking the Tiger – Healing from trauma by Peter Levine are two I’ve found. But people shy away from conversations about trauma. Particularly with little t trauma, their own discomfort leads to dismissal. Explaining away the experience as a misunderstanding, a mistake, or ‘not that big of a deal.’ Those comments? They further internalize the impact and trivialize what should not be ignored.

Do something about it

Anger is a funny thing. We, ok, maybe just me, have viewed it as a negative emotion. I still contend that’s fair. But, anger has a positive impact, it can propel us into action. In my own irritation/anger earlier this week, I decided to do something about it. Still a baby something in my mind, but prep work had begun. The anger is cheering me on (or more like egging me on) from the sidelines. Stay tuned for what the something will evolve to and be.

This issue, genuine healing, is personal, but also a wider issue. And though all people could be impacted by traumatic experiences, women are disproportionately so. We need to normalize talking about it because when hidden or brushed aside, the impact only grows. I don’t like it and I’m going to do something about it. From my own little corner of the world, something.

What is your ‘something’ that stirs anger within? That you’ve pushed aside but which continues to bubble up in your consciousness? If you don’t like it, do something about it. No one will do it for us and we’re in this together. It’s our journey. Be brave my friends. Lisa

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Why we need pride

In my head, the phrase is said scornfully by a ‘little old church lady’, “Don’t be prideful.” Usually with the intent of ‘putting someone in their place,’ or knocking them down a notch. I don’t know if men hear it, because I’m not one, but I’ve been on the receiving end as a female. Or, if not those exact words, the sentiment that one better not let their head swell with pride. But why not? Why has our culture, particularly what I’ll loosely call ‘church culture’ steered us away from having pride? Certainly, references abound in the Bible of pride leading to a person’s downfall. That would give you pause. Fundamentally though, shouldn’t we all have a sense of pride?

What is pride?

I think pride has a bad rap. It’s as though we see it as a gateway drug to a personal downfall. My programming, primarily a result of a woman’s perceived ‘place’ has led to pride being pushed way, way down. The other night, I was at a rare dinner with work colleagues. Out of the blue, I found myself being praised for a work problem I’d helped successful navigate. Did I shine? What do you think? No. I brushed it off as no big deal and downplayed my role. Unfortunately, I see women taking a similar stance over and over.

Consider the definition of pride. My trusty go-to Meriam Webster states:

  1. a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.
  2. consciousness of one’s own dignity.

 

Neither definition is negative. Why shouldn’t you be proud of an accomplishment, an award, a milestone? Honestly, why shouldn’t you have pride about who you are, about your own dignity? And yet, people are told to keep themselves buttoned up. Not to let too much of what’s on the inside leak out and into the light. We are told to let others shine. This recurrent message we receive is not benign. There’s a consequence.

How pushing our pride aside shows up

When we repeatedly take in the message that we shouldn’t be prideful or have pride, what do you suppose the translation is for any normal human person? Something about you is bad. To be hidden. Don’t allow people to see the ‘real’ you lest you be rejected. The result? Shame. Brené Brown provides a definition of shame I find instructive.

“The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It is “the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do…makes us unworthy of connection.”

It’s no wonder millions of women, and men for that matter – because shame does not discriminate – suffer under the weight of shame. Perpetuated upon them by systems which use shame to control the people under them. In the recently published book You are your best thing, an anthology of Black voices speaking to vulnerability, shame and the Black experience, embodiment teacher and founder of the Embodiment Institute (TEI) Prentis Hemphill shared “Shame is also the way oppression gets internalized.”

When I read those words, I had to return and reread them. More than once. Because the words, they speak to the Black experience, certainly. Pride pushed down, pushed aside, drilling into people that they do not have the right to personal dignity. They are ‘less than.’ All lies, all tools of control. But also, because they speak broadly to the stripping of pride from groups of people whose only flaw is that they are different.

We need to celebrate Pride

From June 28, 1969 to July 3, 1967, when I wasn’t yet 2 years old, people protested outside the Stonewall Inn, a gay bar in Greenwich Village. In what became a rebellion, the Stonewall Riots, the rioters advocated for gay rights. And because of their uprising, President Clinton began celebrating June first as Gay and Lesbian Pride month, which later became LGBTQ Pride month. I find it interesting that Pride is the term chosen to characterize this month because, at the core, that’s what’s needed. Celebration and a raising of consciousness in the dignity of LGTBQIA+ people.

Because these people, these human people, have been told they should have the exact opposite of pride. That the way they were designed by God is wrong. They’ve been shamed by our culture because of who they love. Denied rights and benefits, healthcare, decency…and sadly, that continues today. Instead, we should love, affirm, and celebrate the dignity of those in the LGTBQIA+ community. For that matter, we should be doing the same for those in the BIPOC community.

Pride is not the enemy

Maybe we should be rethinking how we characterize pride. Because pride is not the enemy, shame is. When you, or me, or any person believes they are ‘deeply flawed’ and unworthy of love and belonging, there’s a problem. And the structures that perpetuate shame as a tool to oppress those who are different? Different because of the color of their skin, their sex, who they love? We need to dismantle and rebuild those structures. And if you think shame is not used as a power tool, I ask you to simply listen and watch. To the words used by those in power, to the choices made by our systems, to the underlying messages that tell people they cannot show up in dignity, celebrate who they are, without consequence.

Be Prideful. Be conscious of and celebrate your dignity as a human being. Because you have qualities and characteristics that deserve to be celebrated. Because you are loved. Be Brave my loves. Lisa

 

 

 

 

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Finding happiness in midlife

Wes, that’s the name of the lifeguard at my neighborhood YMCA who plays the best poolside music at 5 a.m. I’m all about getting my 80’s jam on, and he throws in the Cure, Smiths, Journey and a little Girl from Ipanema to keep us on our toes. Seriously, my happiness increases as each beat brings a swell of memories and I’m catapulted back to that decade.

Chloe, an early bird swimmer in the next lane and I were commenting on Wes’ absence from the deck recently and the subsequent musical decline. I shared my love of the 80’s as my high school and college musical anthem. Deadpan she looked at me and said she was born in ’85. As in 1.9.8.5. I followed my barely suppressed sharp intake of breath with, “that’s when I graduated from high school.” And as I left the pool that day thinking about the balance of our conversation…which I’ll get too…I was grateful for the happiness of this age. Unexpected happiness found in my 50’s.

Is there a secret society?

In my 30’s, as Chloe mirrored in her own comments, I thought that once my kids were out of school, easy breezy, lemon squeezy. Really. I thought that once the youngest was out of college, I’d be sailing on easy street. Oh, you silly, silly girl.

I could not have been more wrong.

  1. Kids are tougher to parent as adults. It’s a fact. Perhaps a fact I made up, but countless parents will agree.
  2. My mid 40’s were a disaster. The worst. Hormone hell. Inner turmoil. Outer turmoil. All.the.things.
  3. I felt like a significant shift was happening inside of me and didn’t have the wherewithal to do anything more than struggle through.

No one, and I mean ZERO people had even whispered to me about what came with midlife. Sure, the midlife crisis and the sports car, who hasn’t heard of that, but for women? Had my head been in the sand? Day after day of the struggle bus. Approaching my mid-40’s there should have been one of those road signs posted, “Sharp Turn Ahead.” Instead? Crickets.

But wait, there’s hope

As hope fluttered slowly to the ground and 50 stared me in the eyes, an unexpected shift happened. Life felt lighter. F’real. Turns out, plenty has been written about midlife, I simply hadn’t discovered it yet. I started to find my people, women with shared experiences. My own life thus far led me to conclude that as we age, all that stuff we a) accumulated; b) worried about; c) stressed over; d) thought was important, doesn’t matter all that much. Perhaps it was all that stuff that sparked the midlife turmoil. At 50 and beyond, I’m finding I reserve my energy for things that actually matter and care less about those that don’t.

I’m not alone in wondering about midlife as my bookshelf will attest. One source of hope is found in studies which show happiness increases as we age. There’s a name for it, the Happiness U-Curve. And midlife? Midlife is conveniently found at the bottom of the U-Curve. Because, life. Genuinely, wisdom comes with age. All the things preoccupying our minds in midlife begin slipping in importance. Priorities shift. We care more about connection than collection, comparison or competition. Life slows down and we are gifted with opportunities to appreciate it.

We discover happiness

My youngest niece is nearly a year old and I’m fortunate to live close to her since my recent move. The joy and happiness that fills my heart playing with her is…unexpected. She’s not the first niece or nephew and I love all of them. Perhaps it’s the stage of life I’m in where I feel I can immerse with her and enjoy the moment more so than I have in the past. It’s simple, and it’s pure happiness.

I’m also delighted every single day by the sunrise that paints the morning clouds and reflects on the lake beside my house. Not once has it disappointed. This phase, it’s unexpected and filled with happiness at the simple joys of life. And if I’m to believe the U-Curve, my happiness now is about the same as it was in my late 30’s…before the dark years…and not nearly as strong as it will be in the years ahead.

Perhaps that’s why I’m drawn to women my age and older. Companions on the journey facing us today. We’re explorers of new dimensions within as we strip away the layers of who we’ve been told to be to discover who we really are, and the happiness that’s found within our true nature. But for today, wherever you are on the happiness curve, it’s where you’re supposed to be. Because we require each step of the journey before the next. And I’m on that journey with you. Be brave my friends. Lisa

 

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Unpacking life, box by box by box

Weeks before moving across the country, thoughts of packing my life into boxes engulfed every portion of my mind. I’d wake in the middle of the night playing Tetris, packing version, in my mind. Thinking about which small piece would fill this mostly full box. And one day, after toiling away at it for untold hours, it was done. Everything packed, at least everything I wanted to transport to the next phase. After saying goodbye to the moving truck and meandering my way across the country, here I am. Unpacking life I tenderly packed up and brought with me.

Life that’s in a box

Whose life can honestly be placed in a box? That’s the reality. We pack things in a box. Silverware, dishes, books, books and more books, clothes, décor, my grandma’s Kitchen Aid mixer and china, pictures…the deeper you go, the closer to your heart the contents become. I have boxes of pictures because, well, back in the day…when you actually clicked a picture and didn’t know how it would turn out until developed…I captured my children’s youth.

And still, these are things. Things with memories attached. Or maybe better, they’re things that spark memories. Making the event return to life. Triggering the emotions and feelings that surrounded the origin. What’s within the boxes is the evidence of the string of events that comprise our lives.

Unpacking life, over and over

Therapy. That was the first place I unpacked life. Upon entering the middle phase of life, I found myself swirling with emotion.  It may have been all the hormones shifting in my body, or my ovaries deciding it was time to rid themselves of all the eggs, but the culmination was tears and emotions I was ill-equipped to navigate. I found myself sitting on the proverbial couch for months.

Making sense of the fragments of my life, the ones that resisted moving forward smoothly, that caused jagged edges. Unpacking our lives can be a fragile process and one which is best navigated with the assistance of a professional. Or as I like to call my past therapists, a paid friend.

Close to one hundred boxes of life to sort through solo? A daunting task. Yet what do you do except dive in? There is no other way but forward. With boxes and with your life.

Different but the same

Despite the fact that moving involves boxes and packages and things, unpacking evokes similar emotions to therapy. A fact that goes unacknowledged in moving guides you find online, or in the numerous blogs providing ‘Best tips for a smooth move.’ Not even a week into it, emotions flooded me the other day. Overwhelmed by the sheer number of decisions, Tetris in reverse.

Unpacking life requires decision after decision to determine where all those things belong. Where they fit. Revisiting the decisions to carry forward items in your new life, navigated without the help of your paid friend. While packing is an emotional journey in and of itself, unpacking may be the harder task.

You get to choose what carries forward. Only you. The things are simply that, things. The overwhelm? Part of the process I’ve decided. Your life is laid out in front of you ready to re-launch. It’s your move.

Truly, it’s your move

Metaphorically and IRL. In real life, the move is physical. You experience it physically. New surroundings, rooms and hiding places. Metaphorically, you’ve provided distance. In my last moments standing in my empty home of nine years in California, I pondered the life I’d lived there. If those walls could talk…I said a silent goodbye to that phase.

What carries forward is entirely up to you, to me. The memories, the decisions, who I am, I am the only one deciding what resurfaces. As I think about it, all of life is like one big move. Whether physical or not, you’re in charge of what comes forward. You can recreate your life over and over. You can. It’s your move.

As for me? Well, you’ll have to stay tuned. I’m still unpacking.

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No really – I want to be in the moment

Me: Siting down to write, my monitor and any available real estate on my desk is littered with post-it notes. Specific, random, undecipherable…all pointing me to activities beckoning me that I’m inclined to forget. Also me: Focusing on being ‘in the moment,’ while swimming this morning, mindful. But in real life, playing through the entirety of the next month in my head (which was not entirely unproductive, I realized I forgot my wallet at home…hassle). But what I really want is to be in the moment

Goal 1- Mindfulness

For the loving life of me, for all the books, all the classes, all the meditations…mindfulness – truly staying in the moment – is akin to balancing on a tightrope. Wobbling every which way but ultimately, back on the ground again. Defined, mindfulness is a state of active, open attention to the present. It’s where you observe your own thoughts and feelings without defining them as good or bad. And truthfully, being mindful should be less work than the endless tasks in my head, but…I struggle.

Because life. And because I am a woman. I do not say this from a victim, or feminist perspective, but it is a fact that women carry a greater mental load than men. Why? Let’s consider an ordinary day. Women get up, in my case – work out, return home, empty the dishwasher, make coffee, get ready for work – endeavor at our 8-5 throughout the day, come home aka, walk into the other room, make dinner, clean up, straighten, mentally place items on a grocery list, unconsciously scan the room looking for what needs to be picked up, pick up, consider what’s coming on the horizon to prepare for, make a note, maybe read a little, watch some TV, get ready and go to bed so that I can work in my sleep.

What do men do? There are parallels, but the list generally ends at come home.

I do not exaggerate. Do you see why staying in the moment eludes me?

Goal 2- Reduce my mental load

In their riveting book Burnout – Unlocking the Stress Cycle, Emily and Amelia Nagoski talk about the different pressures on women. Unwritten rules add to our load disproportionately. We, by nature or through learning, manage the mental load of keeping up a home. While we may share functions with a partner, chances are we are the ones carrying the mental load. I know it’s part of my wiring. Flat out.

Moms have eyes in the back of their heads. Not a children’s story. And on both sides of our heads because we’re always scanning. Noticing. I’ve received more than one comment that I’m nitpicking by noticing the fuzz scattered around the floor, remnants of guts from inside our pup’s toys. Which, apparently, are purely for the purpose of being torn apart.

The post-it notes are an attempt to get the things out of my head.

Goal 3- F’real, Mindfulness

Ok but really, I genuinely desire to increase time spent in the moment and reduce the mental load. Being in the moment is more than physicality. Its not mentally wandering off, 10 steps ahead in our minds. Its slowing down and knowing that the moment will not repeat itself, breathing into the space. Noticing what surrounds us. Resisting creation of yet another post-it.

Remaining in that space creates clarity and focus. It’s not a ‘waste of time.’

Which means I can’t narrate life as I go either. Literally, I consider what I’d write about each situation. How to work it into a story, or on to these pages. A practice to reimagine and not allow to overshadow the moment surrounding me.

End of goals

I would be remiss not to return to my post-it notes, my helpers, my friends. Though they remain a visual reminder of tasks to be accomplished. They’re also a means by which I remove the thoughts from my mental space. Creating room to be in the moment. Absurd as it may sound, it works. Clearly not as well as I’d hoped, but baby steps…baby steps.

My question for you is: Are you living in the moment? If you are, I have two follow up questions. What is your secret? And…Are you lying? Because who does that consistently?!? If you find yourself like me, well, let’s say we’re in good company because I believe it’s a safe guess that 75% or more of us are striving towards being in the moment. Embracing our present over sculpting our future.

Today, for one day, one hour, one minute, what would be different if you remained in the moment? Mindful of yourself and your surroundings? Are you willing to give it a go? I think we both should. Our brave, authentic, wholehearted, daring life is before us, if only we stop long enough to notice it. It’s our journey friends. I’m on the path with you. Lisa

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Why change is hard

change

Did you ever see the movie We bought a zoo? Yeah, me neither. Yet, it was the first thing that came to mind after I did a thing this week. I bought a house…in another state…sight unseen (I had a proxy)…on the other side of the country. Am I excited? Yes. Am I terrified? Yes. I am all the things. Lest you think I’ve lost my marbles; the purchase wasn’t entirely out of the blue. I’d been contemplating making a move because the bulk of my family is across the country, but the timing was ‘out there.’ And, the move won’t only be in my residence. All changes I desired. So, why did it feel like I’d swallowed wrong and was choking? Because change is hard.

Why change is hard

It is. Change rarely rises to the top of anyone’s bucket list, and with good reason. When we go through change, whether it be in our personal lives, as an organization, or our thinking around a long held believe, we’re leaving something behind. We allow a process, a relationship, a practice, a belief to die. Although our destination is positive, it doesn’t diminish the fact that we’re leaving something, and that thing may be one we treasured.

When I make a significant change, my inner voice begs me to return to the old way. Because many of us, myself included, are creatures of habit. We might park in the same place, eat at the same restaurants, order the same food, drive the same way to work according to our habit. Introduce a new variable and it throws us off our game. Our internal memory craves to return to the old way. I use the word discombobulated to describe the feeling inside when parts of my world in a flux, in the midst of change. I desire to restore order. But that may not be what is best.

Change is well studied

Google wouldn’t pull up 5,370,000,000 results (literally) when I type in change if it were a well-oiled machine. People are continuously working to process improve it and producing models for how to do it well.  As defined by Meriam Webster, change is a verb with a variety of applications:

1a: to make different in some particular; b: to make radically different; c: to give a different position, course, or direction

2a: to replace with another; b: to make a shift from one to another; c: to exchange for an equivalent sum of money; d: to undergo a modification; e: to put fresh clothes or covering on

Nearly every single definition applies to my situation. Not even kidding. Words like ‘radically’ land with me because that’s what change can feel like.

Because change is hard, you can find 8 models for change in a 2 second internet search. One I’m partial to is by Kurt Lewin which has 3 phases: Unfreeze, Change, Refreeze. Unfreeze challenges the way things are done; in Change we look for new ways to do things; and, our change takes hold in Refreeze. A similar process is Form, Storm, Norm, Perform. You create, brainstorm ideas, create new standards and processes and finally, perform.  We transform through the change process over and over in our personal and professional lives.

Why some change feels harder

Despite, or maybe, in spite, of our regular journey through change, some are markedly harder than others. When we change, in the words of the Brady’s…you’ve got to rearrange. Buying a zoo, er…house across the country, isn’t the only change I’m making. For the past four years, I’ve wrestled with the direction of my career. After 30 years in the same field, I’ve been itching to transition into a new capacity. Specifically, coaching. I became a certified coach and operate a side business. But without full attention, the side business hasn’t gained traction.

I’d ruminate about leaving my job and branching out on my own. I’ve worked since I was 13 years old but always for someone else, which brings stability. On my own? That’s a white knuckled drive on a snowy mountain road. But, early in 2020, after rolling it around in my head for 3 years, I was ready. Ready to make a plan that is.

And, as fate would have it (as fate does), a friend from my coaching program asked if I wanted to start a business with her. Since that phone call in the Spring of 2020, we’ve formed a company, Wayfinders Talent, and are in the form/storm phase. We’ll be coaching leaders to bring out the best performance in themselves and others. It’s the culmination of several years of unfreezing.

Once you decide to change, then what?

Which means I’m transitioning out of my day job. Slowly at first, but eventually it will be time. I’m not exactly sure when, but it will be time. Akin to buying a home across the country, I’m excited and terrified at the same time about the transition. I’ll leave stellar people behind and that part of change is never easy. But I’ll be building a new business that will change lives.

Given that I am in the ‘creature of habit’ camp, I want to know what’s next. Biologically, our brains want to know how the story ends and change doesn’t always afford that. Again, change is hard. Does that produce stress in me? Yes. It would for anyone who’s similarly situated. I have to remind myself of what Glennon Doyle write in Untamed, “we can do hard things.” The only way we can get through change is…to change. I hope you’ll stick around for the white knuckled journey and consider what changes you’re making, or need to be made, in your own life. It may be hard, but it may be time. You’ll know if it is in your gut. I did. Be brave my friends. Lisa

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Why silence may not be an option

Think back to the messages you’ve received about speaking up throughout your life.

  • Children are better seen than heard
  • If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all
  • Good girls are quiet
  • It is better to stay quiet and pretend as if everything is alright

I’m certain you could add more of your own. We’re taught, particularly as women, that we should ‘hold our tongue’ and defer to others, namely to men. I bought into that patriarchal paradigm hook, line, and sinker. But, as years pass, I’ve come to experience why silence may not be an option.

Why I’ve been silent

This Enneagram 9 is no fan of conflict and I’ve learned that when you speak up, people may not agree with you. Go figure. Particularly in relationships, I’ve chosen to be silent in, what I thought was, the interest of maintaining peace and harmony. I trained myself over the years to ‘let it go.’ To keep my mouth closed and not speak up because I feared conflict.

Do you know what that got me? Resentment. And maybe a little passive aggressiveness, if I’m transparent.

In one situation, however, I did begin to speak up with someone close. To question, to wonder out loud but was met with resistance. And since I am averse to conflict, I would ‘feel’ the tension in my body. It would disturb my inner balance and stick with me for days. Or, in other situations, I’ve chimed into a conversation only to be told that I was incorrect. These, and countless other situations I won’t bore you with, led to increased silence and telling myself I was taking the high road.

Silence is not complicity or agreement

But…and there’s always a but…when you choose to be silent, people may assume that you’re on board. That you’re in agreement. And that’s not true. In moments of silence, I often was not in agreement. And while I can’t put my finger on it, there was a tipping point when I knew silence was not the best option. When what I was hearing from people in my circle as truth, was not my truth at all.

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Silence may not be an option when you feel your morals and beliefs are under siege. When continuing to hear the rhetoric impacts your physical and mental well-being. Removal from the situation may also be a course of action, but I’ve learned silence isn’t always golden. And in moments that hit close to home, failing to speak appears to be agreement, but it’s not. It’s taken me 53 years to figure out that it’s worth being uncomfortable to speak up for what I believe is right.

Now is a time to use your voice

I’m not espousing using your voice for the sake of it. Not in the slightest. There are absolutely times when silence is wisdom. However, I believe now is not one of those times, at least not for me. Years of remaining silent when I had volumes to say have taught me that. But I cannot stay silent while I see people suffering. While injustice is propagated as patriotism and ‘Christian.’

I cannot stay silent when I see a message of love, Jesus’ love, being perverted into a message of hate. I won’t. Nor will silence be an option when people are being treated negatively based on the color of their skin, or who they love, or how they worship. Because if we stand by in silence while our friends are harmed, are we acting in love? We’re not. Love can look messy, it can be disruptive, it reaches the marginalized, it’s not always popular, and it might be persecuted. But it’s worth it. Jesus showed us that. It’s worth it every time.

When you listen to your intuition, what is your voice trying to say? What truth have you kept deep inside you for fear of creating controversy or conflict? Maybe it’s time for you too. Your voice matters don’t let anyone try and tell you otherwise. Be brave my friends. Lisa

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Why live your life with a daring spirit?

Remarkable as it may seem, we’ve arrived in January. As I scrolled through my social media feed, the range of ‘resolutions,’ was endless. Lose weight, exercise, learn to speak Russian…maybe I made that one up, but a wide array of actions designed to improve upon the current state. I was not among those making resolutions as I’ve chosen instead to pick a word for the year the last few years. My word serves as a guidepost for behavior throughout the year. You may have seen the preview last month of 2021’s pick, daring. Why? My internal voice was telling me, “live your life with a daring spirit.”

Why choose daring?

There are literally thousands of words I could have chosen, millions even. But in November, daring knocked at the door of my mind. I often think about one of my Dad’s go to sayings, “Life is not a dress rehearsal.” Yet, I’ve lived much of mine as though it were. With a mindset that once I’d done the thing, whatever that thing was, I’d be happy, content, filled with joy. Often that thing revolved around my weight, but also to do with my career, or a relationship – or lack thereof. Right around the corner, life was going to be all I hoped it would be. But the truth is, that’s not how it works.

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

Mary Oliver – The Summer Day

Live for today

Nope, it’s not how it works at all. New Year’s Resolutions date back to 4000 B.C. and the ancient Babylonians. They began as offerings to pagan gods and continued to the modern era with the overriding theme being to ‘do better’ in an area of life. As many as 45% of Americans make resolutions with only 8% maintaining them. That’s a dismal statistic.

Because, there’s nothing magical about January 1st. Julius Caesar may have thought so in making sacrifices to the god Janus, but it’s merely a day. I stopped making resolutions for reasons I honestly can’t recall. The idea of a word was appealing, and I stuck with it. But why choose to live my life with a daring spirit?

Because every day is a January 1st. We start over every single day. Brené Brown writes about the concept of postponing joy. Postponing joy is a form of living like you’re in dress rehearsal. Which we’re not. I’ve spent years of my life waiting for ‘the things’ to line up so that I can be truly happy. But as much as we want that magical day to come, it never does.

Living a daring life

And all that is good and well, but it still doesn’t explain daring. After reading Brené for several years now, I can see that I’ve lived in a safety bubble. Armored up and protected from risk and danger. Except you know what? That’s where joy is. In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brown writes, “We cannot selectively numb emotions, if we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive ones.” I’ve numbed my share of painful emotions and I can assure you, that doesn’t make you happy all the time, it makes you numb.

Life with a daring spirit means you’re going to get your heart crushed. Damn. But life with a daring spirit also means that while you’re going to be vulnerable, and the pain will still be there, so will the joy. You cannot get to joy without going through suffering. If you did, you wouldn’t know joy when you experienced it. There would be nothing to compare it to.

Living life with a daring spirit leads to risk, to vulnerability, to courage. And it may look like an ordinary day from the outside, but below the surface, those baby steps to live the one wild and precious life are one after the other. Daring is using your voice, speaking your truth, even when it might risk losing belonging. But, my friends, if we do not live life with a daring spirit, what do we have? Day after day of resolutions. Thumbs down to continuing that tradition. You, we, are perfectly made and as we’re supposed to be, as we are today. Let’s choose to live like we believe it. Be brave my loves. Lisa

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Why is change so difficult?

In preparation for an upcoming series of articles my company plans to publish, I headed to the great encyclopedia of Google earlier this week. My business partner had shared the phrase, “Nothing is certain but change.” Our conversation centered around that idea and the question we continued returning to was, if nothing is certain but change, why is change so difficult for the vast majority of humans?

Change has been with us since the beginning

I wanted to get my hands on the origin of the concept of the certainty of change. I had to look way back to 500 BCE philosopher Heraclitus of Ephesus. Thank goodness someone had boiled down his philosophies so that I could understand them because it seems he has known as the dark philosopher… his writings were that difficult to understand. My eyes would have glazed, I’m quite confident of it, if I’d reviewed his original manuscripts. Beyond the fact that they were probably in Greek. Greek to me. (I couldn’t resist that one…low hanging fruit.) Heraclitus’ claims are summed up as:

Panta Rhei (“life is flux”) recognizing the essential, underlying essence of life as change. Nothing in life is permanent, nor can it be, because the very nature of existence is change. Change is not just a part of life in Heraclitus’ view, it is life itself.

We see Panta Rhei played out in the world around us. As I write, it’s late fall and my yard is covered with leaves. If I wait long enough, say, around March, the trees will again be covered with leaves and flowers. It happens around us every single day, this process. Yet, so often we’re resistant to change. Not surprisingly, there are underlying reasons why change is so difficult.

The devil you know

Consider a situation you continue returning to despite the fact it’s uncomfortable, or even painful. A job that you show up begrudgingly, day after day, because while you are miserable, it’s a familiar misery. Or the relationship you fight to maintain despite the fatal flaws you know are not going to heal. A habit you maintain because, without it, you feel unanchored and lost. That’s the root of it. We stay in a situation that’s unhealthy, or unproductive, or miserable for us because we know it. In junior high, we even wrote in yearbooks, “Don’t go changing.”

Think about it. At that job. You know what’s expected of you, how to perform successfully. Without the job, you’d be unanchored. Turns out, humans hate uncertainty, and change creates uncertainty. When we’re unanchored, or in a state of uncertainty, our brains trigger a threat response in our limbic system. Instead, when we find the answer, complete the equation, our brains are rewarded with hits of dopamine, that familiar, feel good, hormone. Brené Brown equates it to story, in that, our brains are wired for story. We look for the beginning, middle and end…certainty. When we don’t have one of the elements, we move to story…complete the cycle, get the hit. Usually, that story is the one we’re making up.

We want to know what’s going to happen next. And since life doesn’t always give us a roadmap, hence, change is so difficult.

We must choose to take the first step

Back to the job, the relationship, the habit… we know when something needs to be different. We do. If we’re listening to our guts, they speak to us plainly. But that first step is terrifying. We meet our friend uncertainty on that first step. Damn, not that guy again. Temptation to retreat to our safe existence is strong. So strong, if fact, often we do. Often, what you’re taking is the 470,256th first step. But, when you’re uncomfortable enough, you’ll keep trying.

And although change is difficult, once you take a step, you might find you keep moving forward. You can start to see the light in your situation. I’ve heard from dozens of people who’ve shared that they spent years in a job, or at a company they didn’t like. Too afraid to change, to lose what sense of certainty they had in that situation, because even negative certainty is certainty. But once they left, the feeling of “Why did I wait so long???” washed over their entire body.

It’s not easy, but worth it

I’ve shared snippets of a former relationship before wherein I was told, “You’ve changed,” and it wasn’t a “Yay you, awesome, you’ve changed.” Instead, it was an accusation. In fact, I had changed, because, we’re allowed. And the woman that was emerging as the change took hold was different. More assured, confident and willing to be in a space of uncertainty.

Liz Gilbert described a sensation that happens when we make a change that causes us to leave our former beliefs (amongst other things). The group, whether family, friends, colleagues, church, that you’ve been part of will fight against your change. They’ll use any means to draw you back into to the ‘safe’ place with them. You might hear comments such as, “you’re making some dangerous decisions,” or, “you’ll miss us,” or, “you are straying from the path.” You might even be told that you won’t survive outside the group. Liz calls that “tribal shaming,” and unfortunately, most of us have experienced it.

When do you feel that resistance, maybe from a person or group, in the form of tribal shaming, or other strategies, or the resistance within yourself the most? When you’re on the right path. Truly. So, when you feel that pull, keep going. Even when you’re afraid, keep going. Why is change so difficult? Because science. Because other people. But when you feel the pull to return to the old ways, in the immortal words of Dori, in Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming.” You’re brave my friends. Keep swimming. Lisa