Tag: women’s empowerment

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Overcoming decision indecision

Upon stepping foot into the office, aka, my living room, these days, I am called upon to make decisions. Not mamsy pamsy decisions either. No. How much to pay people, should someone else be disciplined, another might need to go to the doctor, do we need to deep clean because of a COVID…and then flip a switch…how to reward someone, what to order, how do we do it, what’s the policy, do I really have to follow XYZ? On average, people make 35,000 decisions a day, using a wide range of techniques. Mental gymnastics throughout the day. By the time it’s 5 p.m. I’m cooked. Zapped. Nothing left in this brain of mine.

Not surprisingly for an Enneagram 9, the Peacemaker, I want to keep everybody calm and conflict free. Which means I hold space for whoever needs it.

Except me.

Someone else make the decision

Perhaps it’s making all the decisions in the course of my workday, but when it comes to my personal life, I’m decidedly indecisive. I’ll fret over what to order when I go out to eat to such an extent that I’d rather not go. I literally eat the same thing at home nearly every single day. I’ve wanted to redo my fireplace for a couple years, but can’t decide how I want it, so it remains whatever you called décor 20 years ago. I call it unsightly and drab. I drink the same coffee, black with Stevia, no need for fancy.

When I was married, I’d drive my husband nuts because he would ask where I wanted to go out to eat and I typically deferred. Truly, anywhere, I don’t want to decide.

What if it’s the wrong decision???

Literal fret fest. I had a moment today where I stepped outside myself and realized I was going down a wormhole picking out a new desk. I ordered one and when I set it up yesterday, my son told me it looked too small. Dammit, he was right and until I determined how to return it and what the replacement would be, my mind was on auto drive. If I make the wrong decision…what a waste…of time, of energy…possibly of money.

There was no peace, which I crave with all my soul, until I had restored order…in my house and mind.

Anxiety much?

All this decision indecision does nothing except produce anxiety. Exactly the opposite of what I desire. It winds me up inside like a top and although I endeavor to keep it at bay, the pinging won’t stop until I resolve what’s out of order. My son laughed at me the other day when he heard me on a call asking “is that something you need to share with me?” Not yet…”when will you share that with me,” When I can, “when will that be?” (new angle) “is there anything I need to prepare for?” He came downstairs and found much hilarity in the fact that I couldn’t get an answer.

Because too often when he and his brother were teenagers, I could tell something was wrong. “What’s wrong,” I don’t want to talk about it, “you’ll feel better if you talk about it,” I don’t want to, “I can help you if you talk about it,” No, “it’s not good to keep it bottled up. Talk to me about it,” sigh…fine. Akin to when my little brother would sit on my chest, pinning me down, when we were kids and poke, poke, poke my chest bone. Stoppppp.

It’s really not that big a deal

Granted, the desk situation literally happened today. Overall, though, here’s what I’ve learned. I offer this to my kindred spirits who may also struggle with indecision. I’ve realized that asking ‘what’s the worst that could happen?’ puts everything into perspective. The tough decisions? 75% of those I make at work. And I assure you, I can make a decision like nobody’s business at work.

It’s when the decision relates to us, that’s when the struggle bus shows up at the door and says, “jump on in.” But we don’t have to. It helps to simply start making decisions. They might be wrong, and that’s ok. The anxiety and fret that otherwise ensues is 1000% not worth it. Not one little bit. Or you can simplify areas of your life that would otherwise require an overabundance of decision making. That’s me and food. I no longer have the attachment to food I once did, and it is worth the peace of mind I have resulting from a repetitive menu.

If we give ourselves space and time, we can overcome decision indecision. Making the shift from choosing a lifestyle of anxiety and shifting to calm and stillness is part of the journey to Wholehearted Living. When we let go, peace and calm will flood in and anxiety will flow out. I’m on the journey with you my friends. Be Brave. Lisa

 

 

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Why pursuing your dreams brings calm and stillness

Reminding me of the events of my life 4 years ago, Facebook shared my memories the other day of a solo trip I took to Boulder. In advance of a work meeting in Denver the following week, I made my way to the picturesque town for the weekend. Hiked like crazy, joined free yoga at a local studio, and wrote and wrote and wrote. About my life, and dreams and desires. When I returned home, I set in motion a portion of those dreams, which, in the end, were more a playing out of unfinished business. But what I desired, what I knew was calling me, I neatly packed away in the back of my mind.

Why we sideline our dreams

Because it didn’t feel safe. That particular dream would have caused me to upend my stability and venture into something new. And while my passion for it, the yearning, was strong, inertia and safety was stronger. But the dream didn’t die. Instead, it has continued to roll around inside of me, poking at me, causing anxiety and angst…for four years. Quite contrary to the calm and stillness I desired and more importantly, desire today.

So often, we trade our dreams and desire for safety. For living the stable life our parents want for us, or our spouse wants for us, that we’re told is the life we should want. At the end of the day though, who is living your life? Of course, if you have a partner, life is co-conceived, but that shared vision shouldn’t exclude the pursuit of your own dreams in addition to joint dreams. You’re allowed to have shared and separate lives. As an Enneagram 9, I ignored that for too long.

There is no time to wait

For those not familiar with the Enneagram, check it out now. How my type 9 shows up is a desire to keep the peace, to the point of putting myself aside to maintain relational peace (at least peace on the surface). What I notice is that desired peace also shows up in my relationship with myself, and taking steps towards a new path are scary, unknown, and potentially ‘unsafe’, whatever that is. While that desire for peace remains strong, I’m noticing it’s had an unexpected side effect…internal anxiety.

Knowing the path I’m longing for is within my reach and not pursuing it produces anxiety. An internal push/pull. Truly though, there is no time to wait. None of us know what will happen tomorrow, and if I wake up ten years from now without having pursued my heart’s calling, dammit I’ll be mad at myself. Seriously.

After the first step, it gets easier

Think about a new skill you learned recently. When you started, the thought of it may have been daunting. However, the longer you kept at it, the easier it became to the point where you wondered why you were intimidated in the first place. When I used to ride Double Centuries (yes in fact that is 200 miles on a bike, in one day), people would say they could never do it. Of course they could, if they wanted to. I certainly didn’t jump on my bike and go from riding zero miles to 200 in a week. It took time and practice. Only then did it become doable.

Which is exactly how we make our dreams reality. We take one step at a time. The anxiety I may (ok, do) feel rolling around inside of me this exact minute, it will dissipate. So will yours. I promise. Your dreams and desires are there for a reason. They’re pointing you in the direction you’re called to go. They are not in your mind by accident, stop treating them like they are. And yes, I’m listening too. You’ll know you’re on the right path because the farther you go the more calm and stillness you’ll have.

One step. Maybe that’s all you take today. But one will lead to another, forward motion will continue. What seems daunting and insurmountable will arrive sooner than you even expect it. But it will not if you don’t start moving. And as we realize the fruition of those dreams? Our anxiety will slip away and be replaced with the calm and stillness our wholehearted lives crave. Take a step…I’m with you my friends. Be brave. Lisa

 

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Steps toward letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle

Heart racing, cheeks flushed, hot flash…I can recall all the feelings that accompanied my first anxiety attack. I’d noticed I had been worrying more. Did I turn off the coffee maker, my hair straightener…did I close the garage door. My commute to work was short, maybe 10 minutes on a rough day, but the day I decided I would be late and turned around when I was nearly there to drive home and check if my garage door was shut, I decided that seemed atypical. Fast forward 10 years and I’m with my family vacationing. We’re getting ready to go to a Fourth of July parade and I don’t have enough time. Thoughts are jumbled, I’m unable to string my thoughts together and I can’t seem to navigate my way through a shower and out the door. In the end, I stayed behind, took a breath and caught up with the family a short time later.

A hidden disorder

Anxiety. It’s one of the most common mental disorders, impacting 18.1% of the population, that’s 40 million adults, every year. Because the words ‘mental disorder’ are included in the description, it’s also one people often don’t talk about, fearing a stigma, feeling embarrassed. As a result, despite being highly treatable, only 36.9% of population receive the help they need.

My sister-in-law was the wise sage who said to me after that vacation morning, “you don’t have to live like this.” She normalized taking medication for anxiety and shared that many of her friends did as well…and I do to this day.

Or a way of living?

But anxiety has become a way of living for so many of us. So, when I read the Brené Brown’s Wholehearted Living Guidepost I’ll be focusing on this month, letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle, cultivating stillness and calm, I’ll admit I cringed. I reasoned with myself, is it possible they can co-exist??? With all that swirls around us today, COVID-19, economic downturn, job uncertainty, don’t we have cause for anxiety? If we’re not anxious about something, we must be doing it wrong because there are millions of moving parts at any given moment. Rationalizing was perhaps one of the first signs I was too attached to the anxiety label…maybe.

I’ve been functioning through anxiety with mindfulness. Anxiety because there is always a problem to solve. In my job I solve problems for people all…day…long. That’s the primary extent of it. It doesn’t make anxiety any less. I’ve been weaving in mindfulness for the past 3-4 years because, a) it’s trendy…not going to lie about it, and b) it works. Mindfulness, the practice of maintaining awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations and surroundings through a gentle lens has gained in popularity over the past few years. But it’s not new, Buddhists have been practicing mindfulness for centuries. It gained recognition in the U.S. and in 1979, Jon Kabat-Zinn launched a course at the University of Massachusetts on mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) and it’s been growing in popularity.

We have another choice

Mindfulness raises the level of stillness and calm you’re experiencing in any given moment. Because if we want to be in the moment, we must let go of anxiety. Please be clear, I recognize anxiety as a mental disorder and am in no way minimizing the impact. As I mentioned, I take a pill every day. What I’m suggesting we release is the anxious lifestyle we choose. Instead of being in the moment, we pile on, layer after layer of unneeded tasks and responsibilities rather than becoming still.

That’s what this Guidepost encourages me to do. Slow down and focus on calm and stillness. Maybe it’s my age, but I’m finding it easier and easier to do. I’m tired, and spending 20-30 minutes in meditation before I start my workday? Golden. By taking the time to be still, to breath, to focus, I clear out the cobwebs and make space for what lies ahead. And I’ve noticed the more I practice meditation and being still, the easier I can return to it in the middle of what might otherwise be an anxiety filled day.

Anxiety that we invite into our lives, that’s what we need to let go of on our Wholehearted Journey. It’s counterproductive to being our whole self because we’re giving our energy away needlessly. And we’re the only ones who know it. Re-diverting our energy to positive endeavors, to quiet and still our minds, creates more space in our lives for the aspects we truly desire, like peace and love. It’s a choice, a shift, one that we make over and over throughout our days. I’ll commit with you to working letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle…it’s a habit worth break and a step on our journey. Be brave friends. Lisa

 

 

 

 

 

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Why creativity within faith can be challenging

As certainly as the sun will rise in the east, it is known that fall leads to winter, followed by spring and finally summer. These things we know. We may compare the seasons to one another, but we know that each has its gifts. And with each, we also experience change. We are currently transitioning from spring into summer. The Summer Solstice.

Also happening in June

June has also become known as Pride month. The annual celebration of the 1969 Stonewall Riots in New York City.  It’s a time to commemorate the impact the LGBT+ community has had on the world. Just this week, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that the 1964 Civil Rights Act protects LGBT+ individuals from discrimination ‘based on sex’ in the workplace. A significant victory and step forward for our country and for people who have been unfairly discriminated against for how they were born and who they love.

I could easily continue about the countless other serious, unjust, issues within the United States at this time, but those will be the subject of another blog, another day. I still have much interior work to be done on those matters. On the issue of LGBT+ and change, I have done significant work on many levels. Which circles back to the challenges of creativity within faith.

Getting to the point

Raised a Christian, I’ve attended church my entire life. Sitting in the pews, listening, not questioning. Ok, maybe not entirely listening, and yes, women submit to your husbands I may have questioned when I was a high-minded college student. But generally, I honestly didn’t think to much about it one way or another. Church, what was preached, it was. I didn’t think about the believing part, it was. There was no question of any other options.

For many people, that’s the way it is. You don’t think about. The teaching is that the Word is without error, so you do not question it. As you grow, you’re taught to read, to understand, to bring it into your heart, and I did. But you guys, there was stuff that began to not make sense to me. When you start to wonder if it could be different, if there’s another way to look at it, those questions can be scary.

Questions more than comparison

Asking questions within Bible study, at least the ones I was part of, for example…whoa, whoa, slow down. It was as though I was comparing what the Bible said to a three headed dog rather than asking what I thought were interesting questions. Or, told I was being disrespectful. So, I stopped asking.

That scariness feels like you’re on the outside. It feels as though if you’re not with us, you’re against us. Scary because it feels like judgement. And that? That feels like shame.

And not asking, accepting, that’s ok for the vast majority of people. It is. But it wasn’t for me. I had people within my life, my own flesh and blood, who are gay. Nowhere within my heart could I believe that, as written, God did not love flesh of my flesh. I could not. Yes, it was my gut. And yes, there were those who told me the Bible was clear. But that’s not what my heart told me. I could not understand that when those words were written 2000+ years ago, there was even a remote consideration of future circumstances and ongoing human evolution.

How to be creative within faith

Being creative within faith feels like you’re out on a bit of a limb. I cannot lie about that. Am I making stuff up? Absolutely not. I have consulted with pastors. I have read books, articles, listened to podcasts, followed websites. Talked to more pastors. Honestly, I continue to go to church, albeit one that is affirming of LGBT+ people because and would not, cannot do otherwise. But it took creativity, and not allowing the comparison from others, which is really a form of judgment, to stop me, to overshadow the work I was doing. Creativity in the examination of what I believe. It was an internal inspection, undertaken because it was too important not to.

And you may or may not agree with what I believe. That’s ok too. Our relationship with Jesus, with His love, which is intended for every single person is personal. We feel it, we take it in, we share it with others. How we do it? It’s up to us. No longer do I search the drawer for the cookie cutter. And tomorrow, it’s Sunday, and though I will watch the church I love celebrate ALL online, I will also go outside, in nature, where I believe Jesus will be with me, celebrating the change of seasons and the Summer Solstice.

Be Brave friends. Lisa

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What makes a leader?

LeadershipIt can be a bit nebulous, leadership. People often assume the title based on a role they hold. A position they’ve aspired to. The pinnacle of a career – leader of people and their charting their own course. Yet, a title alone, a position, is nothing more than that. Being named a leader doesn’t automatically bestow upon you some magical fairy dust where people fall in line behind you. A leader is infinitely more than that.

I’m fairly certain that those who study birth order characteristics find leadership qualities in firstborns. Often, they naturally rise and take charge of situations within the sibling ranks. They create the rules, the systems, the natural order of life among their family and peers. Once in school, they might rise and do the same, taking on leadership roles within the student ranks. Once we leave the cocoon of our nuclear families and school, it’s a whole other ballgame.

While firstborns might naturally be drawn to leader roles, they don’t hold the exclusive rights to it. Traditionally, as anyone grows in their career they grow in terms of power which likely translates to having direct reports. You can watch any old TV show and see examples of a “boss.” I think of Lou on the Mary Tyler Moore show, Captain Steubing on the Love Boat, or how about recent example, Miranda Bailey, the Chief on Grey’s Anatomy. All were in a position of authority and operated as a “boss” to one degree or another.

What the traditional or television versions of a “boss” don’t convey is what it truly takes to lead people.  A “boss” likely has more the mindset of managing rather than leading. I’m a student of Brené Brown and tirelessly read her books, diving deep into the personal reflection that surrounds her work. Leadership isn’t having people do what you tell them to do. It’s not espousing your system of belief and expecting a team to fall in line without question, like lemmings into the sea. It doesn’t happen automatically. That’s being a dictator. Leadership is full of nuance.

Leadership requires vulnerability. The willingness to be open and honest about how what you’re experiencing, even when it sucks. It requires transparency. Having personal values that guide the way you go about your life, at work or at home. Leadership requires courage, which, Brené says in her work, you can’t get to without vulnerability.

Anyone can be a leader, whether you’re leading yourself or leading others. People are seen as leaders out of respect for the way they go about their lives, whether in or outside of work. Leaders are willing to wrestle with the hard decisions, to face their fears and do it anyways. They create boundaries about what’s ok and not ok.  They demonstrate integrity, having the hard conversations, bringing other people with you instead of expecting compliance. If you require compliance, you’re most likely going to see resentment instead.

This notion that you’re not letting someone lead? Or another person demanding that you let them be the leader? That’s not on you, that’s on them. In and of itself that sentiment falls flat. Nobody has to give you permission to lead. By the characteristics you demonstrate in the way you go about your life and treat others you show that you’re a leader. In the same vein, you can lead yourself every day of your life. You don’t need followers in order to be a leader. That’s true whether you’re at work or at home.

The notion that the leader at home or work has to be a man? Well, maybe it is a man. But just as easily, it could be a woman. Or it could be both partners. Being a leader is the way you carry yourself, not based on sex or position. We’re getting better about that, but there amongst more conservative /traditional workplaces and homes, the notion of the male leader is still espoused. It’s something that needs to change. Leadership, done well, can be a bit of a dance, where two people complement each other, both owning their part.

Which is all any of us can truly do in life, own our part. Bring our best game every day. Show up, do the work, be willing to be vulnerable. Lead ourselves first and if given the opportunity, lead others with integrity and courage. And keep showing up and doing the same. It’s our journey, and I’m on it with you.

 

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Embracing our changing purpose

Graceful AgingWhen I decided to move to the area where I live, I spent several weekends travelling to the area to look at homes. One weekend, I’d nearly given up and was taking a drive through one last neighborhood. Tired, a little defeated, frustrated the “right” house hadn’t jumped out yet. Driving through that area, I noticed a semi-truck with a livestock trailer. Suddenly, out from the trailer came sheep after sheep, I think nearly 200! Honestly, it was so delightful I simply sat at watched them, curious about their presence.

What I’ve since learned, now that I live in that same neighborhood, is that my town uses sheep to clear weeds from the open green belt spaces.  Each year, the sheep are brought in and within a day or two, the grass and weeds are gone. I take time to watch them and when they were recently in our area, I was thinking about the herd. These are not the young, sexy sheep. Quite the opposite. They’re older, their coats are in various states of falling off, some are white, but others black, brown or spotted. Most definitely, they are past the prime of their life, but have found a second calling. They serve a purpose.

Each year I watch the sheep, I think about the purpose they’re serving. At the same time, I ponder the purpose each of us serves as we grow older. I read a quote that we start living at 40 and up to that point we’re still doing research. I can attest to that, and would stretch it closer to 50, now that I’m there and can see the lessons continuing to unfold.

There’s a tipping point that I’ve noticed happens somewhere around the late 40’s early 50’s where you take stock. It’s the realization that the “building” that we focus on when we’re younger…build the career, home, family…is maybe not done, but no longer requires the attention we previously gave it. And many of us ask, what now? What’s next? My big question is “how do I want to ride out my life?”

I now understand the reinvention that happens in middle age. It’s more of a redefinition, one which is still in the works for me, but has involved reading and reading and reading some more to figure out how I got here. It’s not a searching, it’s an examination, looking at what works and what doesn’t to decide what to carry forward.

That examination has also shifted to looking at what I bring to the party, what do I know. It’s a question each of us can ask. After a lot of living and experience, we have homed in on our talents. We know what we like and don’t and can drop the parts that don’t work for us. There’s a quiet confidence that emerges in middle age. Not blustery or ego driven. A confidence that allows us to ask harder questions about the systems and beliefs that were handed to us. We might find that some of what we’d been taught doesn’t make sense anymore or requires additional thought. The careers we pursued because they made sense, but do they anymore? Maybe. Or maybe with some tweaks.

Each of us continues to have a purpose, but the values which drive it may have changed. And that’s ok. If we don’t continue to grow, we’re dying. I was accused of changing a few months ago, to which I simply replied, yes, I have. It’s part of life.

What about you? Is the focus and purpose you established earlier in life still on point? If you’re following the same one because you feel you must, you don’t. Especially if it’s the path someone else laid out for you. It’s our journey, friends. One that leads us to unexpected places, discovering ourselves as we go, and living out our best lives. We have the wisdom, are brave and courageous and are moving down a new path together.

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Owning YOUR Story

Owning your storyEvery 4 ½ minutes, a baby is born with a birth defect in the United States. That’s nearly 120,000 babies born with birth defects each year. In my estimation, the prevalence of birth defects in the late 1960’s when I was born was perhaps more, because maternal care was not as sophisticated as today. Though I don’t have the stats on it, the advancement of medical care through the years has also likely resulted in a decrease in the long-term effects of some birth defects.

When I was born, the doctors knew I had a birth defect in my foot that would likely result in amputation. Too much blood in my foot, that’s how I always described it. By the time I was 4 ½ I was in the hospital undergoing the predicted amputation. After 3 months at Shriner in San Francisco, I returned home to Yosemite to adjust and carry on with the business of being a little girl.

Around the time I was 8, my folks divorced and I moved with my mother a few hours away to start the 3rd grade. We moved a year later and life at home was somewhat chaotic the next six years. In high school, I returned to Yosemite to live with my Dad until college.

Purposefully I tell that portion of my story at a high level. The early years, the time I was in the hospital was extremely impactful, it created my lifelong love of medicine and the comfort I experience when I visit the doctor, have medical procedures, spend time in the hospital. I look back on that time with warm fuzzies.

What I’ve noticed about the middle part is that I have little to say about it and at the same time, volumes. But telling your story to another person is an act of vulnerability. It’s opening up, exposing yourself. Your version might be whimsical, magical, mundane, average, or it might be raw.

Here’s the thing, your story is no one else’s. But what happens sometimes is that people will layer their own judgement, or experience over yours and try to mirror back what they presume you must have felt, when in fact, it’s not accurate.

And when you’re first exploring your feelings around childhood or significant life events, you might listen. You could be tempted to add a layer of experience that wasn’t there. “It must have been so hard for you. You must have missed… You must have felt…” If you’re sharing your story, in that raw space of vulnerability, still figuring it out, you might question your recollection.

I could easily look back on being in the hospital and think about the lack, my parents weren’t there the majority of the time. There was no Ronald McDonald house, it was the norm for parents to visit only on the weekend. But that would overshadow the overwhelmingly positive impact that experience had on my life. My messy middle? I could call that the crazy, and there may be days where I do. But I’ve gone back and explored my feelings about that time, and still, I would describe it as generally fine.

Your story is yours alone. Other people’s insertions, interpretations, the overwhelming inclination of some people to analyze your “family of origin,” has its place. But it’s a small space. Continuing to rehash over and over? Exhausting. I’ve learned that when you’re first exploring your story you might be like a sponge and listen to what others insert. But as you rumble with your story, you will determine what it truly is for you. Other’s opinions can fall by the wayside, they can, frankly, back off.

Brené Brown writes that owning your story is the bravest thing you’ll ever do. I wholeheartedly agree. Whatever it is for you, let it be your own. No one can take that away from you. You are brave, strong and worthy of your own experience. Be authentically you. I’m on the journey with you.

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How to say Yes to the right things

Can't do it allCalifornia recently emerged from a drought that lasted 376 weeks. From December 2011 to March 2017, the state endured one of the most intense droughts in California history. The cause was attributed to a ridge of high pressure in the Pacific Ocean, named the “Ridiculously Resilient Ridge” which often barred winter storms from reaching the state. Researchers can see evidence of past droughts by analyzing tree rings, smaller during periods of drought.

For those of you living in the state, you will recall the winter storm blasts beginning in 2017. Snow for days. The cumulative effect resulted in the state being declared drought free by mid-March 2019. I live not far from Truckee, California – near Lake Tahoe – and the stories of the snow piling up around the town were intense. There was literally nowhere to put the snow it fell in such abundant quantities.

At the same time the California drought was in a period of recovery, my creative life was in a season of drought. The internal stirring to create was strong, but nothing was happening. Creativity for me is more than creative arts, yes, it’s that, painting, writing, but it’s also putting together groups, pouring into others. That area? Nothing, nada. And I felt it rolling around inside me in the form of frustration. I kept dreaming and the “I want to,” phrase was one I told myself frequently as I worked through ideas, but they never came to fruition.

Until they did.

Within the last month, it’s as though the floodgates have opened. The drought ended, and rain began pouring from the sky. When that happens after a period of environmental drought? There’s a risk of a flash flood. The ground can only absorb the moisture so fast and the additional water must go somewhere, anywhere.

What was one, two opportunities became five and six and as I reflected on the abundance, on how I would juggle, a mixture of excitement and overwhelmed was cooking inside me. Overwhelmed won, for a moment.

But I realized that I had a choice. I could do anything I wanted, but I couldn’t do it all. Tough to come to grips with for someone who prides herself just that. Who doesn’t want to let anyone down by saying no. At this phase in life though, wisdom prevailed. We might think we have to do it all, but we don’t. What we need to do is realize where our strengths and talents lie and lean in. The other stuff, the stuff that’s fun and we have interest in?  That’s all well and good, but if it spreads us too thin, if it pulls away from our area of strength, should we pursue it? For me, the answer was no.

Because, although the period of drought is fresh in my mind, thinking that there will never be other opportunities like this is a scarcity mindset. There will be more. For any of us, if we choose an abundance mindset, there will be more. When we have the abundance mindset, it’s easier to stay within our boundaries. Saying yes to the right things and being comfortable saying no to the not quite right things.

What are you saying yes to right now that you should be saying no? The choice is yours but if you’re saying a soft yes, a wavering yes, an “I guess so,” yes…the answer is probably no. You can say no. There will be more. And when you can say a strong yes? You’ll know it’s right and as you lean in to your areas of strength, you’ll find abundance will continue to flow into all the right places in your life.

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Create your own adventure

Big AdventureAdventurous. Isn’t that an adjective we hope people use when describing us? Up for anything. Ready for any anything. Traveler, experience seeker…all of it. I’d like to call myself an adventurer. I love exploring places I’ve never been, love finding somewhere new. Love the idea of travel. Picking up at a moment’s notice and taking off, no plans…open to whatever comes my way.

But what do I look like in real life? Dreaming of those adventures but spending Saturday night watch the latest Netflix original movie, Otherhood. Would I recommend it? No. A tale of moms of late 20-something boys who find themselves on the outside of their son’s lives. Can I relate? I’m going to say no and leave it at that. I love my mama’s boys…but I digress…

I found myself ruminating about the dichotomy of what my dreams are and what I actually do. As always, there’s more than one factor at play. It’s likely that way with any area of disconnect in our lives. The causes are not black and white. There are shades of grey, or, ombre if I’m being hip and cool #lifegoals.

What started my rambling thoughts was an idea that popped into my head as I was waking up the other day. I love Santa Cruz and I started dreaming about how fun it would be to drive over for an adventurous weekend. Not more than a minute later the naysayer voice started. It’s a long way…it’s only you…what will you do…are you worth spending the money to get a hotel… Flooding into my mind, as though the thoughts were waiting to pounce, waiting to squash the dream.

Except this time, I caught them.

Startled into full alertness, I realized the path I went down. Killing my own dreams because I didn’t feel “worth it.” What…the…hell??? A trip to Santa Cruz? Come on now. It’s not that complicated. Hotel, cheap eats, some Starbucks…easy-peasy. But I’d stopped it. I could tell the thought process was going down the path of, stay safe and content in your own house…minimize risks…save your money. Valid, but not overriding reasons to skip an adventure.

Scouring my memories, I recalled that I have had numerous adventures over the years. How did those happen if I barely wanted to leave my cozy chair today? Friends, that’s how. I had Rockstar adventurous girlfriends who led me down the path to bike trips. To places in California I’d never seen before, beautiful, stunning even, stretches of the coast that everyone should see. From the seat of my bike, I explored California with gusto, because I had buddies. A trip to Ireland years ago happened because a friend wanted to go and I tagged along for the ride. Guinness does taste better in Dublin.

Maybe the answer to adventure is two-fold, it could be for any of us. Believing you are worth it, because you are, and having the motivation. In the past my friends motivated me, and maybe that’ll be the case again, but travelling for the pure joy of it is motivation enough for me. Honestly, solo travel has appeal.

An adventurous life may not be the dream you sidestep. It may be going back to school, or learning piano, guitar, another language, or maybe starting a new business, or insert your dream here. Whatever it is, tell yourself deep down that you are worth it. Period. End of story. Every single one of us could come up with endless reasons not to pursue a dream, instead, say yes. Don’t wait another minute. And to make sure it happens? Accountability. Friends to do it with you, or who will ask you about it. People who you trust and who will follow up for your better good, not to hassle you. Your tribe are your allies, engage them to push you towards your dreams.

It’s a journey for every one of us, let’s keep taking it together. Be brave, Be authentic, Be bold my friends.

 

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Standing in the Wilderness

Stand in the WildernessBold. The word I chose for 2019 which I’m trying to live out. But… in a lot of instances I feel pretty squishy. I am open to a wide variety of perspectives, options. I steer clear of most issues many in the general population get fired up about. Rant about on their social media. It’s just not who I am.

For one, it rubs up against my peacemaking nature. My default is go along to get along. Granted, as I get older I have more opinions about a broader range of topics but given a choice I’ll keep it to myself. Squishy. I can see things both ways.

But…there are a few things. Chocolate, yes. Candy that sticks in your teeth, no. Tacos, yes. Liver, hell no! Ok, that’s easy stuff, but lest I offend you, I’ll hold my tongue on others (in and ode to my true Enneagram 9 self).

The other day I was thinking about the nature behind taking a stand and what has caused me to do so on a few key issues. Key in my life at least. I surprisingly discovered when I’m challenged on my view, I become stronger in my own conviction. I don’t waffle, I don’t change my mind. I get stronger.

The revelation surprised me, and I realized it only in hindsight. Through a recent difficult stretch in life, I was definitely challenged. Or maybe less challenged, more judged, for my perspectives. Which only caused me to feel stronger about my beliefs.

Why does that happen? We can go one of two ways when challenged. Either crumble, acquiesce, or we can take a stand. Stand for what we believe for that belief that it at the essence of who we are. What I experienced in real life was what Brené Brown describes in her book Braving the Wilderness. She writes about what people are most worried about, and in her research found:

“the idea of belonging that was most important, with many yearning to “be part of something–to experience real connection with others–but not at the cost of their authenticity, freedom or power.”

We all desire to belong and human nature often twists that into that tendency to get along for the sake of it. Which only leads to our own dissatisfaction. Brené goes on to say:

“Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”

For one of the first times, and perhaps the most important time, I’ve taken a stand. More than that, I’ve shifted how I show up in life, and what is ok for me and what’s not.

And I found myself in the wilderness.

In the relationship where I was bravely authentic, where I took a stand, the wilderness became my solace. There’s peace in the wilderness when you know that you have stood up for what you believe. Have quietly, but firmly, remained authentic in the face of opposition. Only in that place can you truly understand what it requires to have belonging that comes from your own self-acceptance. Belonging not dependent upon other’s approval.

Taking a stand for what you believe honors your authentic self. It’s tangible evidence to yourself that your opinion, your belief matters. Hold on to that. Risk braving the wilderness. You’re worth it.