Category: Stuff in my head

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Get out of my way!

I know what I want

Yeah, I said it, get out of my way.  But the person who needs to get out of my way is ME.  I get in my own way all the time when it comes to doing things for myself – things that bring me joy and make me happy.  I procrastinate…my closet is never more organized than when I have something “frivolous” for myself to do. I blame my “responsibilities.”  Soooo much to do, floors, kitchens, bathrooms to clean, laundry, bills to pay, food to buy.  Especially when what I want to do is actually fun – I have a hard time putting it over my responsibilities.  I expect the worst…so I spend a bunch of time in risk avoidance mode, contingency planning, second guessing myself – trying to prevent being disappointed, or hurt.  So how’s that working for me?  Gotta tell you…not so great. I feel boring and serious way to often!

I’m good and setting crazy goals and hitting the mark, especially in my sports.  Why is it so hard for me to set plans for myself?  I get in my way, that’s why.  I end up feeling like it’s silly to go away for the weekend, to take myself out, to get a massage…stuff that is all good for me, that would really make me happy and bring me joy.  Now, I’m not 100% dull, I do get out, I do have friends, but man ‘o man, I’m a chicken when it comes to doing things to take care of me, to be loving to myself.

So I need to get out of my way.  The same way that I set goals for my sports – and I have big ones this year, I need to set goals to take care of me.  To spoil me ‘cause no one else is doing it!  What should be at the top of my list?  A massage after my next half marathon next month? A weekend away to refresh myself after a particularly challenging day I have coming up? A drive to the coast for the day – swim in the Bay? All I think, and more.  I want to dream bigger – indulge myself in other things besides shoes (though I bought a super cute pair of sandals just a little bit ago! I do love shoes).  So move over Lisa, there’s fun ahead.

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You haven’t walked in my shoes

be kind

So I’ve had a bunch of thoughts rolling around in my head that I want to write about. Get ready.  It started yesterday when I was in Starbucks (which I love, honestly, I only drink coffee but it relaxes me to be there). I was minding my own business, reading, journal-ing, enjoying my coffee.  Three ladies sat behind me after their morning run.  Right on – I’m all for that they were out running.  But I heard them proceed to talk about a mutual friend of theirs who apparently had been married four times. Now, I am a proponent of marriage, and staying married, but I’m in the midst of a divorce and the pain is raw.  I tried not to listen, but heard them making many, many comments about their friend.  From her judgement on the man to her choice to wear a white dress the fourth time.  What screamed in my head, so loud that eventually I couldn’t stay anymore and I packed up my stuff and left, was that they had no idea what she’d lived through.  Neither do I, but I know that it’s more than meets the eye.  It always is.

Today, back at Starbucks, I saw a woman who was homeless.  I was getting ready to buy her something to eat and then listened to her talk to another woman who checked on her.  It was clear she was schizophrenic.  I paused a minute, wondering if I really wanted to open myself up to whatever discussion would ensue.  But I did, avoiding would have been pretty chicken.  Julie was sweet and my heart ached for her.  I was sad that she was in that situation and no one was there to help her, care for her on Easter morning.

These situations and others I’m going through have had me thinking. We can look at other people, and think we know what they’re going through.  Maybe we think that because we’ve been in a similar situation, or maybe the same situation, and we ‘know’ what they’re feeling and thinking. But that’s not the truth.  Everyone has a different truth, a different story that got them to today.  And the book we read on the outside doesn’t even begin to scrape the surface of the journey that got them there.  I know that’s true for me.  Even sometimes when we’re one of the people in a situation, our truth about it can be different than the other person’s.  That can hurt, a lot.  But it goes back to the same idea that we really don’t know what they’ve gone through.  We can think we do, but we really don’t.  We didn’t live their life, their joy, their pain.

I think the only thing we can do is have grace. Grace towards other people, grace to ourselves.  Grace like God gives to each of us.  And it can be hard, I know, it is for me at least. But we have to try because, at least for me, I know I’d want that, I’d pray for it. So the next time I’m tempted to comment on or chime in to someone else’s life, I’ll stop.  Stop and know that they need grace and understanding as much as I do.

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Oh the things we say

What if you really said all the things that were really in your head?  I had a conversation with a friend about this today.  Sometimes, I play out entire conversations in my head.  I’m witty, funny, brave, strong, forceful, all things I wish I would really be in conversations.  Other days though, I’m maybe a little catty, snarky, mean, but these are things I would never say in a conversation.  Why? Well a) I HATE conflict – I’m sorry is there not a stronger way to say that? Hate, hate, hate… turns my stomach…avoid it in my personal life a LOT; b) Reeeealy want to be seen as a nice person; c) it’s not kind or nice; and maybe more importantly, d)no good would come from it and I’d feel bad about it later. Ok, but these things I shouldn’t say are funny sometimes, but if there at someone else’s expense, I probably shouldn’t even be thinking it, much less saying out loud.

Do you ever have those days when you say something and have to follow up with “was that in my out loud voice?” for something that belonged in your head?  Yeah, that happens.  And sometimes because I process a lot out loud, I lose track and then the stream of consciousness continues when I didn’t mean it to, oh geezzzzz.

I know some people who think you should always say what’s on your mind, at the exact time you’re thinking or feeling it.  Even if it rains on your happy parade.  Even if it makes you cry.  Even when it’s rude, or bad timing, or just plain mean.  I don’t get that.  That’s either no filter, young and full of it, a lot of things.

I also think some of the things that pop up in our heads about ourselves we shouldn’t say out loud.  No, I’m not actually an idiot for forgetting to turn off my iron, or losing my keys, or the glasses on my face. No, I’m not lazy because I chose a 5k today not a half marathon. I’m not a failure because I didn’t clean my house this week.  It’s hard to feel good if I’m always mean to myself.  Yep, same that is true for others is true for how we are to ourselves.

Alright, gotta get to my so what.  Think about those thoughts that run through your head.  About others, about you.  Hold yourself in check.  Speak truth, speak up, but speak kindly, lovingly, particularly to yourself.  Be your greatest fan because you are the voice in your head – choose to listen to the good one!

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Sometimes soldiers get broken

So I like to think that I do a pretty good job at soldiering on – that art of being a trooper and moving forward despite the fact my life might be falling apart.  Trouble?  Keep moving forward, it’s only a blip, this too will pass. I subscribe to this theory all the time.  And it’s ok, sort of, sometimes, but not really.  The challenge to soldiering on is that it causes me to roll past experiences in my life that hurt, a lot, and I don’t really deal it.

When you’ve been at this game for as long as I have, you’ve rolled past a lot of stuff and you think it’s gone, but it’s really not.  No, it’s actually lurking in the background, it’s like a cloud hanging over your head.  And then it starts to leak out, well, really is leaking out.  You don’t want to acknowledge what’s happening, so you don’t.  But other people start to notice, and you start to notice.  Things seem off, or you’re irritable for no reason, and then you’re crying again.  Crap.

So here I am, feeling like I’m in a washing machine, tumbled around, beat up and dripping out parts of me that no one needs to see. Not sure where I’m headed, but knowing that I can’t stay here.  I know God’s got a lot more in store for me.  I have the whole second half to live and I want joy, I want happy, I want fun! I’m reminded of what a friend once told me, “You’re not a good soldier when you’re injured.”  I think it’s time to get healed.

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Where am I going with this?

That’s a good question.  Anyone reading this might wonder about my random thoughts. Honestly I wonder about them too.  Sometimes, I’m going to write about them.  Other days, most days, I might write about my journey as a 40-something, often faking it but having fun, athlete.  No science to what I have to say, unless I claim otherwise, but I’ve been fortunate to learn a lot over the years and have a lot of random thoughts (yes…more of them) about it.  Mainly, I think that anyone can do it.  No, really, that simple.  The deal is, you just have to set your mind to it.  It’s not that hard.  You might think it is, but it’s not.  You just don’t start doing marathons day one, half’s maybe, but not full – kidding – or not – if you’re me.  I figure I only have one life and I’ve spent an awful lot of it doing what everyone else wants me to.  I love my sports, swimming, biking, walking (I want to say running but that’s not what I do).  They make me joyful, even when they hurt.  And I let someone slow me down from them for a while, and I got depression, seriously! Meds and all.  I’m done with that.  I want a balance between doing them as much as I want but not being a slave to training – that’s just a drag.  I would love for others to join me in this crazy journey, to tell me what they’re up to, there’s definitely more fun in numbers!

So I’m probably going to write about my adventures, and past adventures, and a lot of other stuff too, so thanks for your patience!

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Mom Land

So I’m a mom.  Have been for 23 years and counting, done it a couple of times.  My kids (though they don’t like me to call them that anymore because they’re in their 20’s) are awesome!  Each of them has qualities that if you combined them would make them a mini-me.  But those qualities they’ve adopted are not always the good ones.  My son called last night asking what an anxiety attack was like. I tried to describe it but did a much better job this morning when I was holding an attack of my own at bay.  I can see traits of perfectionism in each of them.  You might be thinking that would be great, and it is, on a good day.  On a bad day, it’s over thinking, worrying, second guessing, self depreciating…or maybe that’s just me.  That’s the thing, now that I’m in my 40’s, I’ve learned enough about myself to see the ups and downs of my traits.  I’d like to say that I always choose the ups, but the truth is I fight those downs too.  I think that’s the best we can do.  My kids might think I’m crazy but I try to bestow them with this knowledge, so it’s ok if they think I’m crazy.  Maybe it’ll save them a little therapy one of these days.

I also look backwards for myself and try to understand how the way I was raised affects how I show up.  What I CANNOT STAND is hearing people constantly blaming or citing their childhood as the reason why they act a certain way.  In therapy sometimes they call it family of origin issues.  Truth is, I got so tired of hearing about family of origin issues and other people trying to blame mine for how I was wired that I checked it.  Game over, check mate, see ya later.  I think a rebelled a little bit.  Yep, I was a child.  Yep, my childhood wasn’t like the Waltons.  But my childhood was great, in it’s own way.  It made me a little quirky and who I am.  If I can see the stuff that I need to be aware of, that stuff that triggers me, all the better.  But I am not going to sit around in a group and hypothesize about what went wrong, when nothing did. Phew, so that’s how I really feel about that, not that anyone asked.  Being a mom makes you think about stuff like that, I mean, understanding yourself so you can try and help your kids apply their skills for good…not evil.  Make them mini-me’s 2.0, better versions.

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Just start

That’s what I keep hearing in my head.  But I haven’t.  So much to plan, to figure out, to understand, all resulting in a bit fat nothing actually happening.  I’m sick of it.  Tired of being the uber responsible one who thinks through and plans for every possible pitfall, has a contingency for every possible risk, and who lets dreams go easily.  I’ve watched so many fall by the wayside because being responsible was so much more important than doing something I actually want to do.  Something that will actually make me happy (even though having a clean house makes me very happy, cleaning does not make me happy).  So I’m serious all the time.  I’ve heard it for years.  I look upset, unapproachable, just plain serious.  Honestly, it’s a huge drag.  But if I do what I like, what makes me happy, what will people think?

Well, it’s a new day.  I can’t control what other people think and really, that usually has more to do with them than me.  Other people’s expectations can be awesome, have driven me to many accomplishments, to be a better person, to success in some ways.  But I can’t live my life worrying about them all the time.  There’s still that place inside me that knows there is so much more I have to do, that God wants me to do.  So many more ways that I can live out my purpose. I can be an every better version of me.  I’m ready!  Now.  No more when….(fill in the blank) happens. I have so much in my head I want to say, to share, to do. So this is it.  This is the start.  Stay tuned Lisa.