Category: Keep Going

Not gonna lie. There is a constant stream of chatter in my head, seriously, ALL the time.  It ranges from deep thinking to random things…do I need the Jo Malone perfume…yes I do it’s a limited edition…well maybe not…but what about those jeans…maybe I’ll write a book…should I go to the movies today…ugh I need to clean the house… You get the picture and that was just in the last 5 minutes.  I wake up in the  middle of the night and have to tell myself not to start thinking or I’ll really wake up instead of just awake to go to the bathroom – which – ladies can I get a shout out  – that’s an aspect of getting older I could do without.

But I’m also very introspective so I think a lot about my life.  I think about my choices, again and again and again. I tend to question myself, to think through decisions from a million different angles.  To decide and then to rethink it again. I’m hard on myself.  Harder I think than anyone else would ever be.  Partially, I don’t know that that’s a bad thing.  I push myself to levels of excellence.  I push myself to do my best at whatever I set my mind to.  I strategize my choices and decisions. I’m a planner too, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, if it’s used for good rather than beating myself up.  Here’s how it played out today.  I wanted to get up at 5:30 a.m. to go for an 8 mile walk – I’m training for a half marathon.  Alarm goes off and I laid in bed for a minute – so cozy.  Next thing I know, it’s after 6 a.m.  Ok, so in reality, so what?  It’s 6 a.m. on a Sunday morning, I have nothing really to do today, but it wasn’t my plan.  The ensuing conversation I have with myself is actually talking myself off the cliff.  Ok Lisa, doesn’t really matter.  It’s ok if you’re day starts a little later.  Don’t let yourself be time driven, it’s not that big of a deal, let it go.  I did and it was, of course, fine.  But these are the things I think through, that I beat myself up about.  And I guarantee you that I’m in recovery and have actually gotten better – believe it or not.

When I make a mistake though or when I fall short of my own expectations – brutal.  Again, I’m trying to be in recovery about it, but it’s incredibly hard.  Can anyone relate to me on that?  The negative self-talk is crazy.  Truth is, I’m not perfect.  I make mistakes, and I’m learning that beating myself up about it doesn’t do me any good.  The over analyzing doesn’t do me any good.  It’s that idea of let your yes be yes and your no be no.  I need to do that even in my own mind about my own stuff (and I’ve got plenty).  I don’t think I’m alone in this.  I think a lot of people would maybe not raise their hand but silently giving me an “Amen Sister” to the idea that they tend to beat themselves up, just like I do.  Comes back to that self-forgiveness idea that I talked about  a while ago.  It’s ok to see a mistake, but have to accept, make amends with yourself or others, and then move forward.

This idea really smacked me across the head recently when a friend shared a bit of wisdom from a book she read.  “In your whole life nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself.  And the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit you will tolerate from someone else.” The Four Agreements – Don Miguel Ruiz. (Side note here – the basic principles in this book made a lot of sense to me – the spiritual aspects were not something I aligned with as a Christian – but the principles were great) So this was one of those things said to me at just the right time.  I think you can hear things from people at times and they might just bounce off.  But if they hit you at just the right time, you might be open to hearing and applying.  That’s how this hit me.  It really made me think about relationships I’ve had and the constant feeling of not being enough or not meeting that person’s expectations.

It really hit me from the standpoint of the tipping point.  The tipping point where I felt like my eyes opened to what was happening and that was not ok anymore.  The whole thing really made me think about the way I talk to myself too.  If I’m setting the standard for what’s ok, I need to change that standard.  I already know this but it helped drive home how important it is that I treat myself well, with kindness.  I need to give myself a break, remember that I’m not perfect, remember that making a mistake or bad decision does not make me a bad person.  IF I can shift the way I think about the way I treat myself then what expect from others will shift.  That may come with some tough decisions, decisions about whether a relationship is healthy or toxic and stopping if it’s the later.  BUT, if I can do that, if I can treat myself kindly and expect the same – I’ll be healthier, happier and more able to live out the life God designed me for…using all my gifts and abilities well, being a good steward what He’s given me.  That’s the end game, this is just one step along the way.

Do you ever think about your life? I mean really just sit and think about how blessed you are? Cut through all the noise and the nonsense that clutters your brain, your thoughts, your perspectives and just think about how blessed you are have the life that God has given you? Yeah, me neither.  But today, this week, I have.  I was reminded in the most difficult of ways how unfair life can be.  How, in an instant, what you know as reality can change and what appeared to be the next step really isn’t that at all.

Someone I’ve known my whole life, not someone I’d say I was close to, but still, a familiar person, someone I’d say hi to if I randomly ran into them, who I’d spend a few minutes catching up with, who had a full, happy life, had life taken from them unexpectedly. It makes me sad for their family, who I also have known most of my life, for their friends, their community.  But it also reminds me how life can change in a blink, in an instant.

This is nothing new, conceptually, we all know it.  But what do we do about it, or is there anything to do about it?  Well, I know that, other than physically taking care of myself, there’s not a lot I can do.  I don’t know how long God plans for me to be here, I hope a long time, but there’s no predicting it.  What I CAN do is more with what I have, those gifts, the talents that I have but that I may not fully be using. It makes me think about why I don’t use them.  Laziness? likely not. Busy-ness? More likely. Fear? Oh yeah, now we’re on to something.

Fear of what? Failing, feeling like I’m being indulgent in my own desires (ok wait, that’s not a bad thing), what else? Fear of what people might think if what I do is not “by the book.”  All likely culprits.  More and more so though I think about the fact that I’m just wasting time.  I rush to go here and there, to finish my “jobs,” my responsibilities, but don’t always enjoy that time, miss the experiences, miss the happy.

And so, I challenge myself, challenge anyone, to be intentional about my life.  Going through the motions is just that, motions, not emotions – and I want more of that.  More emotion, more happy, more joy.  Using the gifts and talents I naturally have.  Living my life, not just functioning.  Taking risks, blowing off fear, doing more and doing what it takes to make that happen.  It goes back to “just start” and stop waiting for who knows what.  Just like anyone else, my time is finite, and I want to get to the end knowing I’ve experienced, I’ve lived, I’ve given my best.   The truth is, I am blessed.  My life is good, my family is good, I have first world issues, sure, but overall, I am blessed.  So right now, I’m starting…I think I’ll go take a walk!

So I’ve had a bunch of thoughts rolling around in my head that I want to write about. Get ready.  It started yesterday when I was in Starbucks (which I love, honestly, I only drink coffee but it relaxes me to be there). I was minding my own business, reading, journal-ing, enjoying my coffee.  Three ladies sat behind me after their morning run.  Right on – I’m all for that they were out running.  But I heard them proceed to talk about a mutual friend of theirs who apparently had been married four times. Now, I am a proponent of marriage, and staying married, but I’m in the midst of a divorce and the pain is raw.  I tried not to listen, but heard them making many, many comments about their friend.  From her judgement on the man to her choice to wear a white dress the fourth time.  What screamed in my head, so loud that eventually I couldn’t stay anymore and I packed up my stuff and left, was that they had no idea what she’d lived through.  Neither do I, but I know that it’s more than meets the eye.  It always is.

Today, back at Starbucks, I saw a woman who was homeless.  I was getting ready to buy her something to eat and then listened to her talk to another woman who checked on her.  It was clear she was schizophrenic.  I paused a minute, wondering if I really wanted to open myself up to whatever discussion would ensue.  But I did, avoiding would have been pretty chicken.  Julie was sweet and my heart ached for her.  I was sad that she was in that situation and no one was there to help her, care for her on Easter morning.

These situations and others I’m going through have had me thinking. We can look at other people, and think we know what they’re going through.  Maybe we think that because we’ve been in a similar situation, or maybe the same situation, and we ‘know’ what they’re feeling and thinking. But that’s not the truth.  Everyone has a different truth, a different story that got them to today.  And the book we read on the outside doesn’t even begin to scrape the surface of the journey that got them there.  I know that’s true for me.  Even sometimes when we’re one of the people in a situation, our truth about it can be different than the other person’s.  That can hurt, a lot.  But it goes back to the same idea that we really don’t know what they’ve gone through.  We can think we do, but we really don’t.  We didn’t live their life, their joy, their pain.

I think the only thing we can do is have grace. Grace towards other people, grace to ourselves.  Grace like God gives to each of us.  And it can be hard, I know, it is for me at least. But we have to try because, at least for me, I know I’d want that, I’d pray for it. So the next time I’m tempted to comment on or chime in to someone else’s life, I’ll stop.  Stop and know that they need grace and understanding as much as I do.